MICHELLE DOCKERY vs. DIANNA AGRON
MICHELLE: Good morning, Dianna! Before we get into all the necessary bitchery, can we stop to appreciate the fact that we both know the value of a flawless plaid coat?
DIANNA: Oh, absolutely, Michelle. I think the enviable plaid coat collection is probably the best out of all our fantastic job perks, isn’t it?
MICHELLE: It’s certainly in my top three. But above all else, I value the ability to stand on grass in heels without sinking into the ground.
DIANNA: Ah, yes. That’s a superpower that is granted to every celebrity upon the premiere of their first major television show.
MICHELLE: But at the end of the day, I think the one celebrity perk I could no longer bear to live without is the wide array of Louboutins we’re now privy to.
DIANNA: LOUBS FOR DAYS, GIRL. Amen.
MICHELLE: Now that we’ve exhausted the niceties, can we get back to the bitchery? Because I can’t even handle how boring your little black dress is. Do you actually think you can defeat me with a look as dull as that one?
DIANNA: Oh, I can, and I will.
MICHELLE: Yeah, yeah. Keep dreaming, little girl. I’ll be over here, patiently awaiting the arrival of my March Fabness 2014 trophy.
DIANNA: Psh. You wish.
MILEY CYRUS vs. CAREY MULLIGAN
MILEY: *in a posh English accent* Carey, darling, it’s ever so lovely to see you here today. Your tuxedo is simply delightful, I must say.
CAREY: Um… Miley? Is that you?
MILEY: Well of course, love, who else would I be?
CAREY: I just… I don’t… SINCE WHEN ARE YOU BRITISH?
MILEY: Bloody hell, Carey. You don’t actually believe that that over-the-top redneck accent and the incessant tongue-lolling are REAL, do you?
CAREY: Well, YEAH. That’s quite an elaborate act to be so committed to, Miley. Why the hell are you doing all this?
MILEY: Get your head out of your arse, Carey. Do you really think I’d be as rich and famous as I am if I didn’t remind Middle America of their goofy stoner older sisters? Do you really think Americans will buy albums from classy English ladies?
CAREY: Um, yeah. How about Adele?
MILEY: Well, that’s not a fair comparison. Adele can actually SING.
CAREY: Ah, of course. How silly of me. Carry on, then.
JESSICA CHASTAIN vs. HELEN MIRREN
JESSICA: I’m fully incapable of hiding my undying love for you, Ms. Mirren, so pardon me while I SQUEEEEE my fucking face off over this truly fabulous match-up.
HELEN: Yes, that’s very nice, darling.
JESSICA: Seriously, Ms. Mirren, I think you are just so classy and elegant and –
HELEN: Very good, dear. Now will you hush up for just a moment?
JESSICA: Oh – I – well, of course, ma’am. May I ask why?
HELEN: I just can’t bear to hear your voice for another moment.
JESSICA: How dare you! I never –
HELEN: Quick, hide me! I think Jared Leto just spotted me, and I never called him back after that one-night stand…
JESSICA: YOU SLEPT WITH JARED LETO?
HELEN: Oh, of course. It was lovely, I must say, though a little awkward when he had to ask me to stop crying out “Jordan Catalano” during the act.
KIERNAN SHIPKA vs. JULIANNE MOORE
KIERNAN: Hi there, Julianne!
JULIANNE: Well, aren’t you just the cutest thing on two legs?
KIERNAN: Haha, yeah, I get that a lot. So, can I borrow those shoes?
JULIANNE: Ordinarily I’d say no, but since we share a penchant for shoes with many ankle straps, I suppose I can arrange that, you adorable little thing.
KIERNAN: Okay, the “adorable” shit is getting kind of old. I’m FOURTEEN, dammit. I’m not a child.
JULIANNE: Hahahaha, yes, darling, of course. Keep telling yourself that.
KIERNAN: Listen, you condescending old hag. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t trade your whole miserable wardrobe for my youth and style, okay?
JULIANNE: Well – I – what – how dare you!
KIERNAN: *bats eyes* What? It was just a joke.
JULIANNE: I will CUT YOU, little girl. You better watch it.