March Fabness 2014, Round 1: Prada Bracket


Take a moment to procrastinate your work and start your Friday off right, dear readers. 

MICHELLE DOCKERY vs. DIANNA AGRON
Michelle's coat by Erdem, dress by Carven, purse by Mulberry, shoes by Rupert Sanderson; Dianna's coat by Louis Vuitton

Michelle’s coat by Erdem, dress by Carven, purse by Mulberry, shoes by Rupert Sanderson; Dianna’s coat by Louis Vuitton

MICHELLE: Good morning, Dianna! Before we get into all the necessary bitchery, can we stop to appreciate the fact that we both know the value of a flawless plaid coat?

DIANNA: Oh, absolutely, Michelle. I think the enviable plaid coat collection is probably the best out of all our fantastic job perks, isn’t it?

Michelle's dress by Barbara  Casasola, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti; Dianna's top and skirt by Osman, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Michelle’s dress by Barbara Casasola, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti; Dianna’s top and skirt by Osman, shoes by Christian Louboutin

MICHELLE: It’s certainly in my top three. But above all else, I value the ability to stand on grass in heels without sinking into the ground.

DIANNA: Ah, yes. That’s a superpower that is granted to every celebrity upon the premiere of their first major television show.

Michelle's dress by Christian Dior, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Michelle’s dress by Christian Dior, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Dianna’s skirt by Oscar de la Renta, purse by Louis Vuitton, shoes by Christian Louboutin

MICHELLE: But at the end of the day, I think the one celebrity perk I could no longer bear to live without is the wide array of Louboutins we’re now privy to.

DIANNA: LOUBS FOR DAYS, GIRL. Amen.

Michelle's gown, purse, and shoes by Prada

Michelle’s gown, purse, and shoes by Prada; Dianna’s dress and purse by Dolce & Gabbana

MICHELLE: Now that we’ve exhausted the niceties, can we get back to the bitchery? Because I can’t even handle how boring your little black dress is. Do you actually think you can defeat me with a look as dull as that one?

DIANNA: Oh, I can, and I will.

Michelle's gown by Oscar de la Renta, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Dianna's gown by Carolina Herrera, purse by Jimmy Choo

Michelle’s gown by Oscar de la Renta, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Dianna’s gown by Carolina Herrera, purse by Jimmy Choo

MICHELLE: Yeah, yeah. Keep dreaming, little girl. I’ll be over here, patiently awaiting the arrival of my March Fabness 2014 trophy.

DIANNA: Psh. You wish.

MILEY CYRUS vs. CAREY MULLIGAN
Miley's top and skirt by Emilio Pucci, shoes by C line; Carey's tuxedo by Lanvin, shoes by Brian Atwood

Miley’s top and skirt by Emilio Pucci, shoes by Céline; Carey’s tuxedo by Lanvin, shoes by Brian Atwood

MILEY: *in a posh English accent* Carey, darling, it’s ever so lovely to see you here today. Your tuxedo is simply delightful, I must say.

CAREY: Um… Miley? Is that you?

Miley's dress by Proenza Schouler, purse by Chanel, shoes by Saint Laurent; Carey's dress by Alexander McQueen

Miley’s dress by Proenza Schouler, purse by Chanel, shoes by Saint Laurent; Carey’s dress by Alexander McQueen

MILEY: Well of course, love, who else would I be?

CAREY: I just… I don’t… SINCE WHEN ARE YOU BRITISH?

Miley's suit by Versus Versace, shoes by Saint Laurent; Carey's jacket, top, and pants by Lanvin, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Miley’s suit by Versus Versace, shoes by Saint Laurent; Carey’s jacket, top, and pants by Lanvin, shoes by Christian Louboutin

MILEY: Bloody hell, Carey. You don’t actually believe that that over-the-top redneck accent and the incessant tongue-lolling are REAL, do you?

CAREY: Well, YEAH. That’s quite an elaborate act to be so committed to, Miley. Why the hell are you doing all this?

Miley's gown by Marc Jacobs; Carey's gown by Vionnet, shoes by Brian Atwood

Miley’s gown by Marc Jacobs; Carey’s gown by Vionnet, shoes by Brian Atwood

MILEY: Get your head out of your arse, Carey. Do you really think I’d be as rich and famous as I am if I didn’t remind Middle America of their goofy stoner older sisters? Do you really think Americans will buy albums from classy English ladies?

CAREY: Um, yeah. How about Adele?

Miley's gown by Jean Paul Gaultier; Carey's dress by Balenciaga

Miley’s gown by Jean Paul Gaultier; Carey’s dress by Balenciaga

MILEY: Well, that’s not a fair comparison. Adele can actually SING.

CAREY: Ah, of course. How silly of me. Carry on, then.

JESSICA CHASTAIN vs. HELEN MIRREN
Jessica's dress and shoes by Givenchy; Helen's gown and purse by Elie Saab

Jessica’s dress and shoes by Givenchy; Helen’s gown and purse by Elie Saab

JESSICA: I’m fully incapable of hiding my undying love for you, Ms. Mirren, so pardon me while I SQUEEEEE my fucking face off over this truly fabulous match-up.

HELEN: Yes, that’s very nice, darling.

Jessica's dress by Gucci, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Helen's gown by Escada

Jessica’s dress by Gucci, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Helen’s gown by Escada

JESSICA: Seriously, Ms. Mirren, I think you are just so classy and elegant and –

HELEN: Very good, dear. Now will you hush up for just a moment?

Jessica's gown by Saint Laurent; Helen's gown by Jenny Packham, purse by Rauwolf

Jessica’s gown by Saint Laurent; Helen’s gown by Jenny Packham, purse by Rauwolf

JESSICA: Oh – I – well, of course, ma’am. May I ask why?

HELEN: I just can’t bear to hear your voice for another moment.

Jessica's gown by Givenchy; Helen's gown by Elie Saab, purse by Swarovski

Jessica’s gown by Givenchy; Helen’s gown by Elie Saab, purse by Swarovski

JESSICA: How dare you! I never –

HELEN: Quick, hide me! I think Jared Leto just spotted me, and I never called him back after that one-night stand…

Jessica's gown by Versace; Helen's gown by Jacques Azagury

Jessica’s gown by Versace; Helen’s gown by Jacques Azagury

JESSICA: YOU SLEPT WITH JARED LETO?

HELEN: Oh, of course. It was lovely, I must say, though a little awkward when he had to ask me to stop crying out “Jordan Catalano” during the act.

KIERNAN SHIPKA vs. JULIANNE MOORE
Kiernan's dress by Valentino, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Julianne's dress by Balenciaga

Kiernan’s dress by Valentino, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Julianne’s dress by Balenciaga

KIERNAN: Hi there, Julianne!

JULIANNE: Well, aren’t you just the cutest thing on two legs?

Kiernan's top and skirt by Honor, shoes by Chlo ; Julianne's dress by Prabal Gurung

Kiernan’s top and skirt by Honor, shoes by Chloé; Julianne’s dress by Prabal Gurung

KIERNAN: Haha, yeah, I get that a lot. So, can I borrow those shoes?

JULIANNE: Ordinarily I’d say no, but since we share a penchant for shoes with many ankle straps, I suppose I can arrange that, you adorable little thing.

Kiernan's dress by Delpozo; Julianne's dress by Tom Ford

Kiernan’s dress by Delpozo; Julianne’s dress by Tom Ford

KIERNAN: Okay, the “adorable” shit is getting kind of old. I’m FOURTEEN, dammit. I’m not a child.

JULIANNE: Hahahaha, yes, darling, of course. Keep telling yourself that.

Kiernan's dress by Delpozo, shoes by Jimmy Choo; Julianne's gown and purse by Givenchy

Kiernan’s dress by Delpozo, shoes by Jimmy Choo; Julianne’s gown and purse by Givenchy

KIERNAN: Listen, you condescending old hag. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t trade your whole miserable wardrobe for my youth and style, okay?

JULIANNE: Well – I – what – how dare you!

Kiernan's dress by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Julianne's gown by Jason Wu

Kiernan’s dress by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Julianne’s gown by Jason Wu

KIERNAN: *bats eyes* What? It was just a joke.

JULIANNE: I will CUT YOU, little girl. You better watch it.


© Democracy Diva, 2014.
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