Let’s finish up this Sweet Sixteen round once and for all.
MICHELLE DOCKERY vs. KIERNAN SHIPKA
MICHELLE: Lovely morning for a fashion battle, don’t you think?
KIERNAN: It’s Saturday. It’s before 10 AM. It’s too early for anything to be lovely.
MICHELLE: You are possibly the cutest sullen teenager in the world, do you know that?
KIERNAN: Yeah, I get that all the time.
MICHELLE: I mean, I know I’m fabulous and everything, but this took years of work, and practice, and developing my style. I could never have looked as good as you when I was your age.
KIERNAN: Work, practice, and developing your style? You mean, finally having enough money to hire a decent stylist?
MICHELLE: Yes, isn’t that what I just said?
KIERNAN: *yawns* I guess. Can we pause this battle for a coffee break? I don’t think I can get through this without some caffeine.
MICHELLE: Are you really able to drink coffee in a white dress without spilling? That’s a talent I’ve never quite mastered.
KIERNAN: January Jones taught me how. She’s great at stuff like that, you know, because she’s part robot.
MICHELLE: Oh, is she? I know I probably should be surprised, but that actually explains a LOT.
KIERNAN: I know, right?!
MICHELLE: Well, if you can teach me your little no-spill tricks, I wouldn’t say no to a cup of coffee the size of my face.
KIERNAN: It’s a date.
ASHLEY MADEKWE vs. OLIVIA PALERMO
ASHLEY: What’s with the luggage, Olivia? Are you faux-slumming, or do you really not have people to carry your suitcases for you?
OLIVIA: I actually think the metallic in the suitcase brings out my fabulous necklace. OF COURSE I have people to do this kind of thing for me, but when the luggage matches my outfit, I like to keep it close.
ASHLEY: Really? You don’t seem like the kind of girl who gives a shit whether things match or not. You’re more like one of those socialites who will wear literally anything as long as it features, like, ten too many details.
OLIVIA: I refuse to accept criticism from someone as woefully under-accessorized as you.
ASHLEY: Listen, my monochromatic cut-out dresses are the shit. Unlike you, I don’t need six different prints to feel like I’m dressed to the nines.
OLIVIA: Monochromatic? I don’t think I’ve ever worn a dress in all one color in my life, unless I accessorized it with two necklaces, studded shoes, and a fringed purse.
ASHLEY: You know that those sunglasses that I’m sure cost as much as a used car just make you look like you have two giant holes in your face, right?
OLIVIA: Um, duh. That’s the whole point – for people to be terrified to stare into the eternal depths of my face.
ASHLEY: Well, congratulations. You’re certainly terrifying. Especially in that “sassy kindergarten teacher on Halloween” outfit.
OLIVIA: Really? How many kindergarten teachers do you know who wear head-to-toe Dior?
ASHLEY: My point is, your wardrobe is weirdly stuffy, and mine has that youthful charm that every fashionista dreams of.
OLIVIA: Says the girl in tartan pants.
ASHLEY: Watch it. You might get lost in my optical illusion of a gown. While you’re at it, you might want to lose the purse too.
OLIVIA: You can pry my fringed purse from my cold, dead hands, bitch.
© Democracy Diva, 2014.
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