Too much fabulous this week, dear readers, so we need a mid-week red carpet recap to keep up.
EMMA WATSON // dress by McQ, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Well, this is all kinds of delicious. I was sad when the Potter premieres ended, not just because of the loss of my youth and my red-headed husband Ron Weasley, but because it meant Emma was going to be off the red carpet for awhile. And not only is the bitch back, but she’s back in McQ (an Alexander McQueen diffusion line) – and plaid, at that! The studded Loubs are perfect, the leather jacket was an awesome touch, and she just looks like the epitome of fabulous London fashion. My only complaint is that she could have gone with a touch more makeup, or perhaps some earrings, because her face is a little bare in comparison to her rocker-chic ensemble.
MADONNA // gown by Gucci, sunglasses by Miu Miu
Madonna is so dependable. Always dramatic, even when she’s demure; always accessorizing with something loud and delicious; always covering up her very-obvious plastic surgery with oversized sunglasses. Seriously, if you haven’t seen her face yet this week, google that shit, ’cause she’s basically got a whole new set of eyes. I mean, she looks fantastic, but the change is a little off-putting.
ABBIE CORNISH // gown by Gucci, purse and shoes by Roger Vivier
Gucci threw a big old party this week, so everyone showed up in their favorite gowns by the label. I don’t actually know who Abbie Cornish is, but she’s in the new Madonna movie W.E., so, deal with her being around. As for her look: it’s not the most flattering gown on earth, but she’s workin’ it, in spite of it being way too long on her and making her look like she has a uniboob. But darling, if you want to share the red carpet with Madonna, you need to employ a professional hairstylist instead of slicking your hair back into a ponytail. MADGE WILL NOT STAND FOR SUCH LAZINESS!
SALMA HAYEK // gown and clutch by Gucci
I want to hate this, because it’s so frou-frou-y and it has a train and more little folded-napkin ruffles than God ever intended for there to be, and because every seam in the bust is puckering, and because the top half resembles an ice dancer’s outfit, and because she needs a necklace or bracelet, and… well, I guess I do hate it after all.
EVAN RACHEL WOOD
Snooze. It’s so boring I don’t even want to make fun of it; I just want to go to sleep.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // dress by Gucci
Ms. Chastain is a beautiful and occasionally stylish woman who needs to understand that her features are very severe. Slicked hair and bold eyeliner do absolutely nothing for her, and tend to make her look a bit ice-queeny. The dress is a little too shapeless, but the flower on her shoulder is nice, I suppose.
It ain’t easy for a redhead to wear red, so kudos to Jessica for pulling this one off. The cut of the dress is a little immature for her, and she put no effort whatsoever into the styling, but the color is gorgeous on her skin, and the bangs really soften up her beautiful features.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // gown by Elie Saab
Unless you want to look naked save for a ruffly train, I would shy away from wearing a dress that precisely matches your skin tone. It’s a shame, because in any other color, she’s probaby be working the shit out of this dress (though the belt in the middle is super-unflattering), but in this naked color, it’s just uncomfortable.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY // gown by Valentino
Um, DELICIOUS. She should have found something to do with her hair, but this gown really does all the talking, so everything else is basically inconsequential. It’s sheer-ish, gilded, long-sleeved Valentino: that’s all a girl ever needs.
KATE BOSWORTH // dress by Valentino
I saw bloggers calling this an LBD, but I see it as chocolate brown, not black. And I love chocolate brown, and it’s a sadly under-used color on the red carpet. It’s a simple look, clean and chic, and the shoes are really interesting. The bow at her waist is adorable, the sheer sleeves look nice, and the length and flare of that skirt is uber-flattering.
KATE BOSWORTH // dress by Chanel, shoes by Christian Louboutin
A dress this simple cries out for some yummy accessorizing, so I’m disappointed that Kate looks basically bare. No discernible earrings, necklace, or bracelet; the shoes are beautiful, but understated; and the hair has few, if any, redeeming qualities. I’m sure putting on any garment with a Chanel label in it makes you feel like you’re dressed to the nines, but darling, you’re never fully dressed without some bling. (That’s how the song goes, right?)
EMMA STONE // dress by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Brian Atwood
She’s done better. The just-out-of-the-shower hair is not an appropriate look when you’re as public a figure as the ubiquitous Emma Stone. The hair color has never been better, but her lipstick seems to clash with it more and more every day. The dress itself is just kind of meh – a little too gauzy and shapeless, the print adds absolutely nothing, and that untied black bow around her neck doesn’t work on any level. But those shoes are, to borrow a phrase from Rachel Zoe, MAJUH.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER // shoes by Charlotte Olympia
For someone as rich as she is, and someone who made it cool for women to love shoes way, way too much, she wears the same two pairs of shoes over and over again. These Charlotte Olympia shoes are on her feet every other day; and when you get photographed every day, that gets a little exhausting for those who elect to write about you and judge everything on your body.
I don’t want to say it’s not hard to dress well, because that’s not true. But it’s not hard to dress better than Vanessa Hudgens. Seriously, these blue shapeless maxi-dresses positively drenched in fugly jewelry are not doing it for her. Nor would they do much for anyone, since they’re awful. And Vanessa, dear? Nobody believes that’s your real hair.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON // dress by Marc Jacobs
I’ve been lusting after this Marc Jacobs polka-dot-heavy collection for awhile, but it’s clearly better in theory than in practice. This dress is just terribly unflattering for Scarlett: it makes her hips and tummy look wider than they are, and the lace underlay is just too much when it’s buttoned to the top. She looks like she can’t breathe in there.
CHARLIZE THERON // top and pants by Roland Mouret, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Oh, good! I’m SO happy we’re going to start wearing pants large enough for a sumo wrestler on stilts. That really sounds like an awesome trend, starlets! Please, continue to brainwash impressionable celeb-lovers into buying the world’s ugliest pants just for your own amusement. We so appreciate it, Charlize.
GWYNETH PALTROW // gown and clutch by Prada
It’s like everything I hate in one picture. Gwyneth; wrinkled drop-waists; dresses the color of dirty water; skirts that just hang there stiffly; satin purses with satin dresses in slightly different colors; whatever the hell is happening on her neck. For the record, there are few things I hate more than that wrinkled drop-waist stiff skirt, but Gwyneth Paltrow is one of those few things.
Put them away, Kim. No one gives a shit anymore. And the amount of plastic and silicon your body is now composed of makes you look uglier than you did before all the plastic surgery.