COBIE SMULDERS at the London premiere of The Avengers // gown by Alexandra Vidal
My apologies for the exams-and-life-induced hiatus, but it’s only partially my fault. Blame the stars who have been in hibernation since awards season ended – it’s been slim pickings for stuff to blog about, good or bad. An endless array of ugly Stella McCartney dresses that we’ve all seen before does not a fashion blog make, dear readers.
But I digress. Let’s pay some attention to my beloved Cobie, of How I Met Your Mother fame, who after six years has finally given us some fabulous fashion to discuss. This gown (by Alexandra Vidal, a contestant on Project Runway’s first season that I totally do not remember) has a lot going for it – the color and fit are excellent, and gives that overall “BOW TO MY FABULOUSNESS” effect that every starlet dreams of achieving. But, let’s not pretend it’s perfect – it’s a tad on the mermaidy side, and it’s not like we don’t see this gown every year at the Oscars in six or seven different incarnations. A gorgeous effort, but a little more surprise would be welcome.
COBIE SMULDERS at the Los Angeles premiere of The Avengers // gown by Donna Karan
Another gorgeous effort – the hair and makeup are much better, and the print is interesting and beautiful, but the fit here isn’t working. The bustline is wonky and the length doesn’t quite work. But I love the accessories she paired with the dress and I love someone who’s at least showing us something unique on the red carpet.
ELIZABETH OLSEN in New York City // gown by Valentino, purse by The Row
Listen, Elizabeth. If my sister designed hideous, incomprehensible expensive purses too, you can bet I’d rock them proudly to support my sis. But there’s a time and place, and this red ruffly Valentino gown is SO not the time/place for her midget briefcase. And it’s a shame, because this gown is amazing. The sleeves are too poofy on her, but the ruffled skirt is lovely and the bodice is particularly fantastic. Too bad she killed it by forgetting how to accessorize.
EMILY BLUNT at the London premiere of Salmon Fishing in the Yemen // dress by Carolina Herrera, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Things I love: Emily Blunt, and this dress. She’s been my obsession since The Devil Wears Prada, and she and John Krasinski are all kinds of delicious together. And I think this dress is just divine, with the overlapping stripes and the gorgeous blues and great textures. But Emily, darling. That hair is only a week of not showering away from Alexa Chung territory, and those shoes are just disappointing.
EMILY BLUNT at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of Your Sister’s Sister // dress by Michael Kors
I’d never have chosen those camel-tan accessories for a red dress, and I’m still not sold on them (though the belt is fine). But the dress fits like a dream and is unusually romantic and lovely for a Michael Kors design. I think the length of the dress shortens her body, though – two inches shorter and her legs wouldn’t appear so stumpy.
EMILY BLUNT at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of The Five Year Engagement // dress by Jason Wu, purse by Valentino, shoes by Alice + Olivia
Leave this to the little girls from The Hunger Games, Emily. You are no longer in the part of life that allows you to match a dress with green leaves on it to green earrings and green pumps.
DAKOTA FANNING in New York City // dress, purse, and shoes by Lanvin
The unavoidable question: WHAT IS ON YOUR HEAD, Dakota? And more importantly, why? You’re doing such a disservice to this adorable fuchsia Lanvin dress (my Pre-Fall 2012 red carpet prediction for Selena Gomez). And though I don’t always enjoy the tan accessories that Lanvin likes to pair with virtually everything, I could totally get behind the purse and shoes if it weren’t for that godforsaken headband.
ELIZABETH BANKS at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of The Five Year Engagement // top and skirt by Peter Pilotto, shoes by Casadei
The hair is a little too Southern-belle-in-the-sixties, but the dress is crazy adorable in that fun-but-hallucinogenic kind of way. Not 100% sold on the shoes, but so happy to see someone rocking blue pumps in general, and particularly with this dress, where so many far more boring stars would have gone with a nude shoe.
GWEN STEFANI in Los Angeles // jumpsuit by Stella McCartney, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Considering the fact that I think Gwen Stefani and Stella McCartney are two of the biggest frauds in the fashion industry, I kind of love this. I’ve seen the McCartney “skinny dress” everywhere, but I hadn’t seen this peplum top and pants combo, and I think it’s kind of excellent on her. The shoes are excellent, and do a lot of the heavy lifting in this ensemble, but it’s conceptually cool and works well on Gwen.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON at the London premiere of The Avengers // dress by Prada, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Amateurish. Peplums are officially running the universe, but this is one wimpy peplum skirt and looks like it was added as an unnecessary afterthought. The matchy-matchy shoes are like poison to my eyes, and the dress itself is only alright.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON at the Moscow premiere of The Avengers // dress by Nina Ricci, shoes by Casadei
Straight blonde hair with a center part? Is it 2001 again already? I mean, there’s just something so dated and out-of-touch with modern fashion about this look. The dress is nothing special and it makes her breasts look ridiculous. The ruffles and all that other garbage on the bodice don’t do much to help, and she’s shamefully under-accessorized.
KRYSTEN RITTER in Los Angeles // dress by Alice + Olivia
Did you guys catch the premiere of Krysten’s Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23 show? Yes, the title is stupid and too long, but Krysten’s pretty fucking great in it. And if you, like the Democracy Diva, grew up in the age ofDawson’s Creek, then you need to watch this just for James Van der Beek playing a douchey version of himself.
Oh, right – the clothes. This is adorable, but it’s kind of juvenile and it doesn’t look particularly expensive. But girl can rock those polka-dots, the skinny belt is terrific, and she knows how to pair girly items with some edgier styling so she doesn’t end up looking eleven years old (like Zooey Deschanel).
OLIVIA WILDE at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of The Five Year Engagement // gown by Yigal Azrouël, purse by Jimmy Choo
That might be the worst hair color in the history of mankind. And though the shape of this dress is great, this print is so far beyond hideous, I believe it has permanently imprinted itself on the backs of my eyelids and I will have to look at it every time I close my eyes, forever. Leopard print’s been over for awhile, and a head-to-toe gown in a leopard-cheetah-tiger print in a mustard yellow that’s the same shade as your peroxided hair? That was never in to begin with, darling.
PENELOPE CRUZ at the Italian premiere of To Rome with Love // gown by Dolce & Gabbana, purse by Roger Vivier
Topknots are better on the mega-young, and this gown has no place outside a bridal party. It’s too long, it’s too old-fashioned, and the color washes her out terribly.
MADONNA in New York City // dress by Dolce & Gabbana
Women of all ages should be and feel free to look as sexy as they want. However, an over-fifty pop star with her panties exposed is still pretty sad, no matter how you cut it.
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY at the New York premiere of Safe // dress by Andrew Gn, purse by Diane von Furstenberg, shoes by Brian Atwood
Well, there just isn’t anything at all here that I find visually appealing, least of all those grandma shoes. Oh, and Rosie? Next time you hit up the tanning booth, remind them to do your arms too. You see, arms and legs usually match each other in color, as if they actually came from one human being, so it’s helpful to remember that, lest you look like you’re wearing someone else’s legs.
EMMA STONE in Cancun // top and skirt by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Brian Atwood
Who? Who is the man or woman responsible for this clown makeup, and for letting Emma Stone leave the house looking like this? As if her wrinkled white-on-white ensemble wasn’t bad enough, someone added a metric ton of face paint to the mix.
KRISTEN STEWART in Los Angeles // jacket, skirt, and shoes by Stella McCartney, blouse by H&M
Kristen, do you see that expression on your face? The one that says “I’m so disgusted by what’s in front of me, I can’t even feign the fakest of smiles?” That’s how I feel when I look at those loafers.
KATY PERRY in Hollywood // gown by Temperley London
Wear a bra, Katy. Just… for the love of God, just wear a bra. Unless you’re breastfeeding, no one needs such easy access to your nipples. You’re aware that you have giant tits – I mean, you squirt whipped cream out of them in half your videos, don’t you? – so please start dressing with them in mind.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL in Los Angeles // dress by Stella McCartney
Oh, look! It’s virtually everything I hate about Zooey Deschanel (except her “singing” voice, which should more accurately be referred to as her “breathing heavily” voice) in one picture! Let’s break this one down from top to bottom.
1. The half-up waves/round bangs combo. It’s juvenile, it’s unsophisticated, and apparently nothing will ever stop Zooey from wearing her hair like that anyway.
2. The clown makeup, which virtually always consists of black eyeliner, red cheeks, and red lips and makes her look sort of like a hipster snowman.
3. A dress that wouldn’t be out of place in a toddler’s closet, that doesn’t come even remotely close to fitting Zooey.
4. Unseasonable black stockings with black shoes. ALWAYS. I can’t fucking take it anymore.