THE MOTHERFUCKING SPICE GIRLS in London, promoting their new Viva Forever musical // MELANIE BROWN‘s dress by Lanvin, shoes by Christian Louboutin; MELANIE CHISHOLM‘s gown by Acne, shoes by Jimmy Choo; GERI HALLIWELL‘s dress by Geri Halliwell; EMMA BUNTON‘s shoes by Brian Atwood; VICTORIA BECKHAM‘s dress by Victoria Beckham, boots by Tom Ford
Dear readers, I was a ten-year-old girl in 1998, the heyday of The Motherfucking Spice Girls. It therefore goes without saying that they are an integral part of the fiber of my soul, that strange wave of feminism dedicated to girl power and twelve-inch Union Jack platform shoes. Here they stand, my heroes, in front of the steps where the filmed the iconic Wannabe video, and I am weeping tears of joy.
Okay, enough of all that: let’s break this down quick, left to right. Scary’s Lanvin dress is chic, if a little too tight, and her Loubs are awesome. Sporty looks fan-fucking-tastic – not my particular style of dress, but she’s working the shit out of it. Ginger’s dress is embarrassingly girly, like she came in a Baby Spice Halloween costume. Actual Baby Spice is rocking some super-fun shoes that don’t remotely go with her boring but pretty dress. And Posh, of course, refuses to smile and is in the Tom Ford boots she won’t stop wearing and yet another dress of her own design. Her uniform has become exhausting, and it’s fucking hilarious how genuinely happy everyone except Posh looks.
ELIZABETH BANKS in New York City // dress by Elie Saab, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Pierre Hardy
Elizabeth Banks, you light my soul on fire. As a fashion blogger, I thank the heavens for starlets like Elizabeth Banks, who are hilarious and amazing on-screen and off, and who have a stylish knack for wearing memorable, interesting pieces. Or combining lots of classic but extravagant pieces together and making it look modern and chic, like Ms. Banks did here. A million ladies have worn gold sparkly dresses, but there’s something particularly great about this one, with the exquisite ombre beading and the fantastic halter neckline. But she manages to wear matchy-matchy accessories that look chic and fabulous instead of trend-whorish – her boxy gold clutch and those stunning nude and gold sandals are just perfect.
ELIZABETH BANKS in New York City // dress by House of Holland, shoes by Brian Atwood
Again, matchy-matchy to the point of absurdity, but Elizabeth Banks is having so much fucking FUN with her wardrobe that I absolutely adore it. Love the dress – mega-flattering, super-fun, and the colors are all fantastic on her. She wisely went for very clean, fresh-faced hair and makeup and almost no jewelry. Those shoes are beyond ridiculous, but I won’t pretend I wouldn’t volunteer as tribute in the Hunger Games if those Brian Atwood tri-colored platforms were in the Cornucopia.
EMMA STONE in Madrid // dress by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I know this dress is your grandmother’s favorite tablecloth, but I don’t care. I absolutely love it. As usual, I can’t stop thinking about how much more I’d love it if she had red hair and literally any other shoe on planet earth.
EMMA STONE in Rome // gown by Bottega Veneta, shoes by Christian Louboutin
That’s a WHOLE lot of dress, but I think it could actually work on her, with the pointy, refreshingly platform-free pumps. But the terrifying hair and makeup are in danger of ruining the crazy-cool dress.
EMMA STONE in Madrid // dress by Roksanda Ilincic, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Love the shoes, but I’m not sold on the dress. I like the idea of it, but there’s something lumpy and misshapen about that skirt that I just can’t get over. The top of the dress fits better, but it’s ordinary, and the only interesting part of the dress doesn’t work. The shoes are fantastic, but they’ve got nothing to do with this dress whatsoever.
ZOE SALDANA // top and shorts by Prabal Gurung, shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood
This would look stupid as fuck on literally anyone else on the planet; therefore, of course, I love it on Zoe Saldana. I can’t explain it with logic or reasoning, but somehow, it works.
SALMA HAYEK in Los Angeles // gown by Gucci Premiére
Girlfriend can still knock it the fuck out of the park. She could have let it out just a bit – there’s no reason to suffocate – but it’s a glamorous, divalicious gown and she’s positively glowing in it.
MICHELLE WILLIAMS in New York City // dress by Jason Wu, sunglasses by Ray-Ban, shoes by Tabitha Simmons for Honor
Everything north of the ankles is absolute heaven. The colors on that dress are magnificent on her, that strawberry-blonde pixie cut looks better than ever, and I’m a sucker for a pair of Ray-Bans with just about anything. I’m not quite sold on the shoes – I think I could love them in another context, but not in New York City in June with an otherwise summer-licious look.
MICHELLE WILLIAMS in New York City // dress by Altuzarra, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Givenchy
This is such a Monet – I thought she looked terrific from far away, but up close, the details just destroy it for me. First of all, the corset-top. I love a good corset, but it ties with TASSELS, as in booby tassels, and that’s just too stupid for works. And this is such a smal detail, but I hate the way her sandals are super pointy on the bottoms, making it look like she’s standing on top of a pair of pointy pumps. Also, I’m not sure I like an LBD with a black clutch and white sandals, in theory or in execution. But I do dig her lipstick.
KATY PERRY on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno // dress by Roland Mouret, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Adorable, but the skirt should be about two inches shorter. When Katy restrains herself (and yes, red tulips all over her skintight dress with matching red satin platforms is restraint for Katy), she can really knock it out of the park.
VICTORIA BECKHAM in Los Angeles // dress by Junya Watanabe for Comme des Garçons, sunglasses by Victoria Beckham, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
I’m so fucking over black velvet ankle booties with dresses (or cape-trench-dress hybrids, in this case), especially in California in June. But whatever the hell her trench coat is, I am more than a little bit in love with it. The cut of the dress is so fucking flattering, and even though I’m so not a fan of capes, this one is too interesting and downright cool to pass up.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY in New York City // dress by Mulberry, shoes by Chanel
Oh, to travel in a fabulous and comfy-looking hippie Mulberry dress and perfect Chanel flats and awesome sunglasses. The life of a celebrity.
DAKOTA FANNING in Hollywood // top and skirt by Topshop, purse by Louis Vuitton
Dakota Fanning is one of those rare girls who can so work the crop-top and cut-out trend, and I’m obsessed with her purse. She can even make John Lennon glasses work! But those shoes need to drop into the bowels of hell as soon as possible.
MILA KUNIS in Los Angeles // dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I could care about this more if she hadn’t worn almost the exact same dress three weeks ago. Seriously, Mila, did you think I wouldn’t notice? Never underestimate the Democracy Diva. In exchange, I will require your shoes, because they are too awesome for your boring wardrobe of little black dresses with misshapen bustles.
DIANE KRUGER in Las Vegas // dress by Alessandra Rich, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Diane, I am beyond disappointed in you. You are one of the most stylish women on the planet (proof: the 2012 Cannes Film Festival), and so things that are normal for mere mortal celebrities are unacceptable for you. Like this sheer lace skirt over a micro-miniskirt. You are TOO GOOD for this trend, Diane! And with your basic black satin clutch and those ridiculously ordinary thick-strapped platform sandals – you look like any other bitch on the red carpet, and you are NOT ANY OTHER BITCH! You are Diane Kruger! YOU SLEEP WITH PACEY!!!
PENELOPE CRUZ in New York City // dress by Emilio Pucci, purse by VBH, shoes by Jimmy Choo
This purple-meets-chocolate brown is a really terrible color on her, and the lace sleeves are downright ugly. With her matching bridesmaids shoes, it’s clear she’s not even trying to look like she cares.
RASHIDA JONES at the Los Angeles Film Festival // dress by Altuzarra
Rashida, how many dresses like this do you have to wear before you fucking hire a stylist? The shoes are great, and you gravitate towards interesting prints, which is good, but the fits and silhouettes are always terrible and the hair needs a whole lot of work.
BLAKE LIVELY in Los Angeles // gown by Zuhair Murad
This was at the top of every best dressed list I saw this week. I’m sorry, but I flat-out refuse to swoon over yet another mermaid gown with a pathetic, dingy train, styled with the ever-so-original bottle-blonde hair (complete with pitch-black roots), red lips, and red nails. Give me a fucking break, or better yet, give me a red carpet trend that hadn’t been done a thousand times (and a thousand times better than this) by the 1950s.
SOLANGE KNOWLES in New York City // blazer by Roberto Cavalli, shoes by Pierre Hardy
She is wearing clear plastic jelly sandals. Her blazer is an acid trip, her purse belongs to a giant Barbie doll, and I don’t think there are words to describe her hair.