Oscars bitching hour ain’t over yet, dear readers.

Best Dressed: CHARLIZE THERON
gown by Christian Dior, jewelry by Harry Winston, shoes by Roger Vivier

Living proof that less is more, Charlize Theron hit the red carpet looking absolutely stunning with her closely-cropped hair and perfect Dior gown. During her red carpet interview, she went on about how empowering her short hair feels and how we all should shave our heads. (I replied out loud to my television, “We all WOULD, if we all had tiny little non-‘ethnic’ noses like yours, you lucky bitch!”) Girlfriend’s got the face for short hair and the body for a minimalist gown – you gotta love a lady who relies on nothing but her own fabness and a killer diamond cuff to look 100% perfect.

Runner-Up: JENNIFER LAWRENCE
gown by Christian Dior, jewelry by Chopard, purse by Roger Vivier, shoes by Brian Atwood

Is there a more loveable person in Hollywood right now than Jennifer Lawrence? Her sincere “holy shit, is this really happening?” attitude is so refreshing. (Particularly when compared to fellow winner Anne Hathaway’s pre-rehearsed, faux-modest, baby-voiced “It came true!” acceptance speech. Blech.) And like Charlize, J.Law blew my mind in a stunning Dior gown that was white without being bridal and still fabulously divalicious. I’m actually glad she fell down while taking the stage for her Oscar, not just because it made her even more endearingly human, but because it allowed for photos like this one:

I mean, how else can we get this stunning of a shot of the exquisite back of her gown, glowing from the lights of the stage steps? More importantly, WHO ELSE COULD LOOK THIS AMAZING FALLING DOWN?

Honorable Mention: STACY KEIBLER
gown by Naeem Khan, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

Gorgeous neckline, super-flattering waistband, and the print is positively incredible. I can’t pretend I like the hair, but I respect Clooney’s lady for committing fully to this perfect look without acting like the Oscars are all about her. That’s a fine line to walk, and she seems to walk it consistently well for the Oscars, as she looked incredible at last year’s ceremony too.

SALLY FIELD
gown by Valentino

This was my Fall 2012 couture red carpet prediction for Charlize Theron, but I gasped with joy when I saw Sally Field rocking this glamorous red gown. The draping is beautiful, the ruffles are stunning, the purse is to die for, and she looks approximately half her age. What more could you ask for?

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS
tuxedo by Domenico Vacca

While the young men cowered in fear at the idea of wearing color to the Oscars and actually pulling it off, the impeccably stylish Daniel Day-Lewis braved the biggest event of the year in a stunning navy tuxedo that I’m basically obsessed with. On camera or on the red carpet, the man can officially do no wrong.

MICHELLE OBAMA
gown by Naeem Khan

Remember right after the point in the broadcast when we all started falling asleep, when the fabulous FLOTUS randomly showed up? Looking FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC in Naeem Khan? Thanks, Mrs. O, for giving us the final push we needed to get through that tortuously long and poorly organized show. We couldn’t have done it without you and your love of metallics!

AARON TVEIT

Aaron Tveit should have performed every character’s part in “One Day More” by himself. Actually, I’d have loved to see him do “All That Jazz” and “And I Am Telling You,” for that matter. AND the hair and makeup team from Les Mis won an Oscar, which I took to be a personal Oscar for Aaron Tveit’s Enjorlas wig, so as far as I’m concerned, this broadcast could have been vastly improved if it were just the Aaron Tveit show.

OLIVIA MUNN
gown by Marchesa

It’s slightly tacky and a little bit dated, but I think it’s still kind of surprising and packs a little bit of a punch, so I can’t really dislike it. I think the matching lipstick and earrings are actually helping things for a change.

MERYL STREEP
gown by Lanvin, earrings by Fred Leighton, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo

The black chunky accessories are a little distracting, but ugh, do I love this gown on Queen Meryl.

ADELE
gown by Jenny Packham, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz

Standard Adele fare, but she still looks fucking phenomenal in it, so I can’t get too picky. At least the sparkly texture is interesting and beautiful and her hair, makeup, and nails are flawless.

QUVENZHANÉ WALLIS
dress by Giorgio Armani

THIS GIRL IS EVERYTHING. Her signature puppy purse is wearing a tiara for the big event, and if that doesn’t warm your heart, you’re even more of a soulless bitch than I am! I think she could have gone without the wrap, but the color is lovely, the dress is adorable, and the sparkly ballet flats are just perfect.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

This tiny little wizard sure cleans up nice. Also, if Tina Fey and Amy Poehler can’t host every awards show, can we have Dan Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt do the rest? They’re adorable, they sing and dance, they’ll skew the audience younger, and they don’t take themselves seriously. Someone start this campaign now, please.

QUEEN LATIFAH
gown by Badgley Mischka

You can tell Queen Latifah hasn’t hit the red carpet in years, because she’s FLASHING A PEACE SIGN, which even Miley Cyrus doesn’t think is cool anymore. I’m not a fan of the hair or makeup, but the dress is lovely and the purse and jewelry are divine.

KRISTIN CHENOWETH
gown by Tony Ward, jewelry by Simon G

Appropriately frou-frouy for Kristin, but not obnoxiously cupcakey. A good balance of frills and style, I think, but overall, not a particularly memorable look.

AMANDA SEYFRIED
gown by Alexander McQueen, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz, shoes by Roger Vivier

Boring and washed out, and the hair and makeup are terrible. A huge disappointment.

KELLY ROWLAND
gown by Donna Karan

The slit is way too high, the skirt looks like it was run over by someone’s limo in the parking lot, and whatever is causing her right tit to grow towards the sun is really starting to worry me.

SANDRA BULLOCK
gown by Elie Saab, jewelry by Harry Winston, purse by Swarovski

The gown is beautiful but about as expected as can be, and there’s really no reason she couldn’t have tucked that chain into her purse for the red carpet.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER
dress by Vivienne Westwood

Nope. Even for Madame Thenardier, this looks awful.

REESE WITHERSPOON
gown by Louis Vuitton

The proportions are a mess, the fabric looks cheap, the construction is awful, and it looks impossible to walk in.

JENNIFER ANISTON
gown by Valentino, jewelry by Fred Leighton, purse and shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo

News flash: Jennifer Aniston looks just as boring and dated in red as she does in neutrals and metallics, the only colors we usually see her in. I think this silhouette is horrible on her, and she and Halle Berry seriously need to find new hairstylists, since neither has changed her look at all in over a decade.

RENEE ZELLWEGER
gown by Carolina Herrera, jewelry by Van Cleef & Arpels

The dress is incredibly ordinary and way too tight; the jewelry is awful; the hair is atrocious. And sadly, Renee has also lost the ability to move her face.

Worst Dressed: HELEN HUNT
gown by H&M, jewelry by Martin Katz

Hilarious. Now go put on an actual gown.

Need more Oscar fabness? Catch up on Part 1 of the 2013 Academy Awards red carpet!

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© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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