Welcome back, dear readers, to your highly judgmental red carpet recap.

RACHEL WEISZ in Hollywood
gown by Victoria Beckham, purse by Lanvin

I have a big gay Jewish crush on Rachel Weisz in this dress, dear readers, and I LOVE IT. The cut is phenomenally flattering on her – her tits looks UNSTOPPABLE and her waist is itsy-bisty – and the color is to die for.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS in Hollywood
gown and shoes by Prada, purse by Kate Young for Target

It’s been awhile since Michelle’s brought her hipster-twee style to the red carpet, and I’ve found myself actually missing her! She can be counted on to pull off these girly, antique-looking florals like no one else, by pairing it with stunning smoky eyes, ridiculously fierce hair, and black-and-sparkly accessories. The length of the gown combined with the strappy sandals leaves a little something to be desired, but other than that, I think it’s fresh and fabulous.

ROONEY MARA at the Berlin Film Festival
dress by Valentino, shoes by Christian Louboutin

The dress is fucking flawless, and the hair and makeup are positively perfect for it. It’s only those very plain, very shiny pointy flats that disappoint me – she could have worn literally ANY shoe with this otherwise understated look, and she chose that pair?

BEYONCE in New York City
gown by Elie Saab

I’d love it a thousand times more in a color, but this dress is all kinds of sexy on Bey’s fabulous body. And the beading is positively exquisite.

NAOMI WATTS in Hollywood
dress by Roland Mouret

Nix the black pumps for a shoe in a bright color, and I’d wear this outfit basically every day of my life.

MIRANDA KERR in Sydney
skirt by Christian Dior, sunglasses by Miu Miu, purse by Prada, shoes by Alexander Wang

It’s not a real week in celebrity fashion until Miranda Kerr shows off some impeccable street style, is it? Her signature Miu Miu shades are in firmly place, and she’s got a perfect little white-and-floral Dior skirt to match one of her infinite number of gorgeous Prada totes.

MIRANDA KERR in Sydney
dress by Peter Pilotto, shoes by Gucci

The purple and red version of this dress was my Resort 2013 red carpet prediction for Lily Collins. I think shorter sleeves would have been better on Miranda, but the dress is adorable and the shoes are all kinds of ferocious.

NICOLE KIDMAN in London
dress and shoes by L’Wren Scott

Did the shoes have to match the neckline precisely? I know I’m a broken record at this point, but this would have been so much better with a different pair of shoes.

AMY ADAMS in London
dress by Elie Saab

Leave it to Amy to ruin a perfectly stunning Elie Saab dress. That color is literally perfect on her, but the dress is at least a size too big, and IS SHE REALLY STILL WEARING NUDE POINTY PUMPS WITH EVERY DRESS SHE OWNS?! I just can’t take it any more, dear readers.

MILA KUNIS in Hollywood
dress by Dolce & Gabbana, earrings by Sutra, shoes by Christian Louboutin

The dress would have been okay in a color, but all of this just washes her out terribly, and it feels like a combination of a bunch of trends that stopped being trendy two years ago.

LENA DUNHAM at the Writers’ Guild Awards
dress and shoes by Reed Krakoff

I actually think this dress is awesome on her, but this look desperately calls out for some jewelry, don’t you think?

CATHERINE, DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE in London
dress by MaxMara, shoes by Episode Angel

Apparently, that’s a baby bump? Who knew. Cute dress, though!

KATE MARA in Los Angeles
blazer by Juicy Couture, top and skirt by Peter Som, purse by Miu Miu, shoes by Christian Dior

The blazer and the dress are both great, but they belong to two entirely different outfits. And the accessories should be burned in a fire.

EMMY ROSSUM in Mexico City
dress by Zuhair Murad, jewelry by Katerina Maxine, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Honey, you might be in Mexico City, but this isn’t your quincañera, so what the hell are you wearing?

EMMA STONE at the Berlin Film Festival
dress by Stella McCartney, earrings by Jaime Wolf, shoes by Christian Louboutin

In the words of Tim Gunn, I’m underwhelmed.

EMMA STONE at the Berlin Film Festival
dress by Gucci

Let’s hope she spreads her wings and flies far, far away from the red carpet, returning only when she has fired her stylist and everyone else involved in making her look like this.

JAIME KING in Los Angeles
dress, belt, and shoes by Alexander McQueen

Just because it’s McQueen doesn’t mean it’s always a winner. Ignore labels and realize that this is a tacky nightmare, Jaime.

JESSICA CHASTAIN at the Writers’ Guild Awards
dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Jimmy Choo

I hate virtually everything about this.

JESSICA ALBA in Los Angeles
top and pants by Tommy Hilfiger, purse by Jimmy Choo

BUT WHAT IF YOU SPILL SOMETHING?!

JENNIFER LOPEZ in Los Angeles
dress by Preen, shoes by Brian Atwood

Robot Jennifer Lopez has returned from the uber-tacky future to destroy us all! In the name of all that is fashionable, RUN AWAY, dear readers!

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© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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