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KERRY WASHINGTON vs. EMMA WATSON
Kerry’s dress and headband by Louis Vuitton, purse by Vince Camuto, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Emma’s pants by J Brand, shoes by Tom Ford
Kerry: Now, Emma. I want you to know that I’m not intimidated by many people. But I’m aware that you’ve now been crowned March Fabness Champion two years in a row.
Emma: It’s true, Kerry. With all the Harry Potter finale press tours, I had plenty of wonderful excuses to look ridiculously amazing, so it was natural that it led to my being crowned Champion.
Kerry’s gown by Rochas; Emma’s dress by Brood, shoes by Tabitha Simmons
Kerry: If I may say so, I think I could have what it takes to unseat you. Like you, I love a good print in an interesting silhouette.
Emma: Is there anything better than a good print?
Kerry’s gown and Emma’s dress by J. Mendel; Kerry’s purse by Jill Milan
Kerry: And we both have looked fabulous in J. Mendel’s orange and pink florals.
Emma: Too true, Kerry. Mighty fabulous indeed.
Kerry’s gown by Oscar de la Renta, purse by Kotur, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Emma’s dress by Erdem
Kerry: And I can dress like a baby watermelon and still look amazing!
Emma: If you say so!
Kerry’s gown by Giles, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Emma’s gown by Giorgio Armani
Kerry: Win or lose, I’ve given it my all, Emma. Now don’t pull any Hermione witchcraft on me, okay?
Emma: Oh, I don’t need magic to win this battle, Kerry. I’ll kick your ass, Muggle-style.
NICOLE KIDMAN vs. MICHELLE DOCKERY
Nicole’s dress and shoes by L’Wren Scott; Michelle’s dress by Stella McCartney, purse by Be&d, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Nicole: Well, if it isn’t Lady Mary Crawley! I have to say, most of the Downton cast is hardly recognizable outside their 1920s period costumes, and yet that’s not true for you. Why is that?
Michelle: Oh, it’s the eyebrows, of course. They’re so uniquely beautiful, they’re patented and insured.
Nicole’s dress by Elie Saab, shoes by Bottega Veneta; Michelle’s dress by Erdem
Nicole: Who would patent eyebrows? Aren’t they just those stiff, unmoving little bars in between my frozen forehead and my freshly-lifted eyes?
Michelle: Um . . . I suppose that’s one way of putting it? And anyway, darling, if your eyebrows were nearly as expressively wonderful as mine, you’d understand. But alas.
Nicole’s gown by Alexander McQueen; Michelle’s dress by Erdem
Nicole: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with my eyebrows!
Michelle: Oh, really? Try moving one.
Nicole and Michelle’s gowns by Ralph Lauren
Nicole: If you’re going to get this sassy, I’m going to have to challenge you to a battle of black and gold Ralph Lauren eveningwear.
Michelle: I’ve got formal gloves on, bitch. This isn’t even a competition anymore.
Nicole’s gown by Lanvin, shoes by Casadei; Michelle’s gown by Alexandre Vauthier
Nicole: My virtually endless legs beg to differ, honey.
Michelle: Fine. Let the people have their say!
CAMILLA BELLE vs. CHRISTINA HENDRICKS
Camilla’s dress by Preen, shoes by Jimmy Choo; Christina’s dress by Tadashi Shoji, purse by Jimmy Choo
Camilla: Oh my God, Christina Hendricks! Can I just say, I am, like, so excited for Mad Men to come back next month.
Christina: Oh my God, Camilla Belle! I have virtually no idea who you are.
Camilla’s dress by Monique Lhuillier, purse by Edie Parker; Christina’s dress by L’Wren Scott, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Camilla: Oh, it’s like, totally not important. As long as you can give me some clues about what’s going on with Don Draper and what fabulous outfits you’ll be wearing next season!
Christina: Bitch, please. You think I’m telling you anything? I owe Matthew Weiner five million dollars and my right tit if I leak a spoiler.
Camilla’s dress by Prada, purse by Christian Louboutin, shoes by Rupert Sanderson; Christina’s gown by Jenny Packham
Camilla: Well, that explains a lot. Or maybe nothing at all – I’m not really sure.
Christina: Best to just sit tight and wait like the rest of us, dear.
Camilla’s gown by Carolina Herrera, purse by Jimmy Choo; Christina’s gown by Ports 1961, purse by Jimmy Choo
Camilla: Fine. But in the meantime, would it be weird if I just stared at your hair for awhile? I mean, sorry to be awkward, but that color is actually the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Christina: It’s not that weird. People actually ask me that all the time.
Camilla’s gown by Ralph Lauren; Christina’s gown by Christian Siriano, purse by Judith Leiber
Camilla: So, who’s a bigger diva on-set – Betty Draper or Megan Draper?
Christina: Actually, Roger Sterling out-divas them all.
EDDIE REDMAYNE vs. KIRSTEN DUNST
Eddie’s suit by Topman; Kirsten’s dress by Lanvin
Eddie: I must confess, Kirsten, I’m rather new to this March Fabness business. Do you think you could show me the ropes?
Kirsten: Marius, honey, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
Eddie’s suit by Alexander McQueen; Kirsten’s dress and shoes by Christian Dior
Eddie: Stop it, love, or you’ll make me blush. I have to focus on my – what did that drag queen who hosts that modeling show call it? – oh, yes – my smize.
Kirsten: Oh, don’t be so modest, like that sexy and ever-so-slightly dumb gaze doesn’t come naturally to you. I don’t buy it for a second.
Eddie’s suit by Burberry Prorsum; Kirsten’s dress by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Charlotte Olympia
Eddie: Oh, who am I kidding? You’re right. I mean, a gentleman can’t exactly pull off a velvet suit if he’s not already fashionable, right?
Kirsten: Absolutely. And you, sir, are working the shit out of that velvet.
Eddie’s suit by Hugo Boss; Kirsten’s gown by Christian Dior
Eddie: Yes, I know. You know, you’re fairly stylish yourself, Kirsten. You would’ve had a shot at making it to Round 2 – if you weren’t paired up against me, that is.
Kirsten: I’m sorry, what about being up against you?
Eddie’s tuxedo by Alexander McQueen; Kirsten’s gown and purse by Louis Vuitton
Eddie: Keep it in your checkerboard dress, lady. I’ve got a McQueen tux to pose in.
Kirsten: Whatever, dude. You look like an overgrown child anyway.
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The Democracy Diva 
Christina Hendricks is fabulously gorgeous but she’s got an amazingly difficult body to dress. She should never have had her boobs done. Now that they’re done, she needs to have a reduction. She must live with terrible neck and shoulder pain. I do understand she’s filling the bombshell niche in Hollywood, she’s a terribly talented actress, and she’s undoubtedly a very nice person. But it’s really hard for her to look stylish because the support she needs with her boobs requires heavy-duty structure. The Jenny Packham dress is an example. She looks smothered.
As far as I’m concerned, the blame for the problem of dressing women with breasts goes to the stylists and designers, not the women in question. I have no knowledge of whether Christina has had breast implants – though I highly doubt it – and I agree that the Jenny Packham gown smothers her. But the solution is that designers should create, and stylists should choose, clothes that work on a non-model’s body – not that women should change their bodies to suit clothing that wasn’t made with their bodies in mind in the first place. (Not to say I disagree with plastic surgery, it’s just that the onus should not be on the woman to fulfill the unreasonable body image expectations of fashion designers.) Thanks for commenting as always!
Nice throw in of Eddie Redmayne. Those are some fantastic suits.
He was the best thing about the Les Mis press tour. Anne Hathaway and Amanda Seyfried were sometimes good, sometimes bad, but he looks consistently amazing literally every time he hits the red carpet. It’s insane.