FAN BINGBING vs. HAILEE STEINFELD
Fan: There’s only sixteen of us left, Hailee. I’m afraid if we don’t band together, neither one of us will make it through to the Elite 8.
Hailee: Um, that’s not actually how this works, though. One of us will make it, and one of us won’t. That’s like, how match-ups function.
Fan: So that’s a no? You don’t want to be on my team?
Hailee: No, that’s me saying there aren’t teams, because that’s not a thing in March Fabness! Jeez, Fan, it’s a good thing you’re pretty.
Fan: Oh, and what is THAT supposed to mean?
Hailee: It means I think you’re dumb because you don’t know how match-ups work.
Fan: Well, I think this goes without saying, but I am officially rescinding my offer for you to join my March Fabness team.
Hailee: THERE AREN’T TEAMS HERE, FAN!
Fan: Fine. Then I guess I’ll just kick your sorry ass all by myself.
Hailee: I’d love to see you try.
EMMA STONE vs. HELEN MIRREN
Emma: Oh, hi, Dame Helen – er, Mrs. Mirren – er, what exactly should I call you?
Helen: Well, I’ve won an Oscar, four BAFTAs, three Golden Globes, four Emmys, and two Best Actress awards at the Cannes Film Festival. AND I’m a Dame. So you can call me whatever the fuck you like, kid – this scene is way beneath my level.
Emma: Well here I am, trying to be respectful towards my elders, and you get all sassy on me! What is that shit about?
Helen: Do you know how many twenty-somethings I’ve crushed with the power of my fabulousness since March Fabness began? You should be thankful I’m still awake at this point.
Emma: Don’t think you can just phone it in, Helen. I don’t care who you’ve beaten in the past – I came in second place in last year’s March Fabness, and that’s only because people have this unflappable love for Hermione Granger that can’t be defeated.
Helen: It’s not because of Hermione – it’s because she’s British, dear. We are, by our very nature, simply better than you Americans.
Emma: You know, when Americans say shit like that, we get taunted for being the most unreasonable and egotistical country on earth. But when Brits say it, it sounds charming. How do you manage that?
Helen: Years of experience in the Royal Shakespeare Company in the 1960s help, that’s for sure.
Emma: Well, I don’t have that, but I have my Gucci gown, and I’m pretty sure that’s all I need to defeat you.
Helen: Think again, little girl.
MICHELLE WILLIAMS vs. CATE BLANCHETT
Michelle: Now, Cate, I know we have a lot in common. Our blonde, cropped locks and our love of mixing prints might bond us together, but let’s not forget that we came here to battle.
Cate: You’re right. I was going to ask if I could borrow your shoes, so thanks for the reminder that we’re here for serious business and not frivolity.
Michelle: Don’t get me wrong, Cate, I envy your ability to go out in public in prints like that, but does anything come close to matching the power of a simple Dior coat-dress and matching Loubs?
Cate: Please. Have you seen the sleeves on this thing? I’m a fucking living work of art in this.
Michelle: Talk about living works of art – I’m halfway between a human and a peacock and I’ve never looked more fabulous.
Cate: Why don’t you flap your little feathered wings and fly away, darling? Then my path to the Elite 8 will be cleared once and for all.
Michelle: I don’t think so, Cate. As long as you’re here in something white and futuristic, I’ll be here giving you a run for your money.
Cate: That’s fine, as long as that run leads me far away from you.
Michelle: As if you could even run in that red Armani gown. It looks like you can barely breathe in it.
Cate: That’s a sacrifice I am more than willing to make when I look this good.
EMMA WATSON vs. EDDIE REDMAYNE
Emma: Oh, Eddie, it’s just marvelous to see you again. We had such fun together making fun of Michelle Williams on the set of My Week with Marilyn, didn’t we?
Eddie: Absolutely, Emma. It’s funny looking back at those quaint days, before I was the suavely dressed superstar I am today.
Emma: Superstar? You’ve gotten quite high and mighty since the last time we talked, Eddie. You sure Anne Hathaway’s attitude hasn’t been rubbing off on you?
Eddie: Of course not! I just mean, you know, I’m MARIUS now. That’s a life-changing career move.
Emma: Yeah, except you were vastly overshadowed by Enjorlas, even though you had a bigger part than him. Because no one can compete with Aaron Tveit.
Eddie: SHUT UP! You – you’re overshadowed by – you’re – I HATE YOU!
Emma: Wow. Guess I hit a sensitive spot, hmm?
Eddie: I just – you’d think I wasn’t even IN the movie, let alone the romantic lead! Aaron Tveit this and Aaron Tveit that – sorry they didn’t let me wear a ridiculous wig in the movie like he got to, because no one can shut the fuck up about it!
Emma: Eddie, darling, I’m just fucking with you. There’s no reason to go completely bonkers.
Eddie: Oh, well – that’s, um – I’m terribly sorry for my outburst, Emma. But you just can’t joke about Enjolras around me.