Welcome back to your regularly scheduled red carpet bitch-fest, dear readers! 

GWYNETH PALTROW in Paris
top and pants by Erdem, shoes by Jimmy Choo

I’ll admit it, I never anticipated the day that Gwyneth Paltrow would snag the coveted top spot of my weekly fashion recaps, but here she is, in all her floral glory. Though I’m more than exhausted with her decade-old center-parted stick-straight hairdo, I have no complains about this fabulous Erdem look. The accentuated shoulders, the length of the sleeve, and the fit are all perfect. And the simple navy pumps were a stroke of genius.

GWYNETH PALTROW in Paris
dress by Bibhu Mohapatra, shoes by Jimmy Choo

A perfect colorblocked dress that belongs in all of our closets. It’s just adorable.

GWYNETH PALTROW in London
dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Manolo Blahnik

Well, three great looks from Gwyn would have been a lot to ask in a year, let alone a week, so we can’t be surprised that this is a bit of a disappointment. It’s not terrible, it’s just sort of awkward and vaguely matronly. But the shoes are adorable.

DITA VON TEESE in New York City
dress by John Galliano, sunglasses by Moschino, gloves by Fratelli Orsini, shoes by Christian Louboutin

She could have had a little more fun with her shoe choice, but otherwise, this is absolutely divine. The Dita is back.

SELENA GOMEZ in Los Angeles
top by Peter Pilotto, pants by Plein Sud, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

I loved this Peter Pilotto top on Cate Blanchett last year, and I love it on Selena now. This look shows basically no skin and is still totally sexy (leather pants tend to help), but I would have loved to see a shoe with a little more personality than those plain black pumps.

SELENA GOMEZ at The Ellen DeGeneres Show
dress by Etro, shoes by Casadei

What’s worse – this patchwork Project Runway reject of a dress or that truly awful smeared-on makeup? Oh, and a general note: if you wear white pumps that are too big on you, there is virtually no way to avoid looking like you’re playing dress-up in your grandmother’s closet.

KATY PERRY at Coachella
top and skirt by Dolce & Gabbana, purse by Lulu Guinness

Hate the shoes, but I can’t help but love everything else. It’s Katy at Coachella – if she weren’t wearing something like this, wouldn’t we all be kind of disappointed?

KATY PERRY in Santa Monica, California
dress by Thakoon, purse by Coach, shoes by Monika Chiang

The purse is too big and the belt doesn’t work at all with the side cut-outs, but it’s an enjoyable, less acid-trippy side of Katy’s style.

EMMY ROSSUM in New York City
dress, purse, and shoes by Christian Dior

Your skirt is silly, and your earrings make it look as if your head is exploding.

SIENNA MILLER at the Tribeca Film Festival
dress by Topshop, purse by Delvaux

Fine dress; strangely frumpy shoes; terrible hair.

MARION COTILLARD in Paris
jacket by Chloé, top and pants by Christian Dior

Are your pants – dare I say it – TUCKED INTO YOUR PEEP-TOE BOOTIES? Because that might be the worst thing to happen to fashion since the birth of the Kardashians.

FREIDA PINTO in Los Angeles
dress by Rachel Roy, purse by Thalé Blanc, shoes by Charlotte Olympia

I like the dress itself, but I don’t think the proportions of it work well on her at all, and the shoes are about as expected as can be.

JANUARY JONES in Santa Monica, California
coat by Givenchy, dress by Sam & Lavi, purse and shoes by Coach

That coat is a thousand sizes too big on her, and the cross-body bag is one too many matchy-matchy items, but I do like all the separate pieces of this look. I just don’t love them all together.

RASHIDA JONES in Las Vegas
dress by Temperley London, shoes by Rupert Sanderson

Rashida, you are CRAZY BEAUTIFUL. Can you fucking stop it with the ombre hair and terrible lipstick already? Also, the length of that dress is totally awkward.

KATE MARA in New York City
dress by Kate Young for Target, shoes by Brian Atwood

Slicked-back hair is not your friend, Kate Mara. And the dress is okay, but why are you wearing a bracelet on top of your sleeve? Also, your nails look like fungus and your shoes just don’t go with this outfit at all.

AMANDA SEYFRIED in Los Angeles
top and pants by Roland Mouret, purse by Givenchy

Did all the stylists with an eye for proportions take the week off? What is going on with these starlets lately? I can’t imagine a more unflattering pair of pants than this one, and that makeup seems designed to make Amanda look as unattractive as possible. And, you know, that’s kind of the opposite of what makeup is supposed to do.

HAILEE STEINFELD in Santa Monica, California
top by Topshop, skirt by BCBG, purse and shoes by Coach

I don’t actually like any of these pieces, and once again, we’ve got a proportion nightmare happening.

JENNIFER ANISTON in Hollywood
top and shorts by Christian Dior, purse by Tom Ford, shoes by Jimmy Choo

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I mean, someone told her there would be cameras at this event, right?

ELIZABETH OLSEN in New York City
top and skirt by Chloé

So aggressively hideous, I don’t even know how she’s able to keep even that fake grimace of a smile on her face.

OLIVIA PALERMO in New York City
dress by Katie Ermilio, belt by Zara, purse and shoes by Jimmy Choo

Congratulations, Olivia – I am 100% sure that I have never seen, and will never again see, an uglier pair of shoes in my entire life. Those are not only an affront to fashion – they are an assault on the eyeballs so severe, it should be criminalized.

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© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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