Procrastinate your work and put on your bitching caps, dear readers. 

NATALIE PORTMAN in New York City
dress and shoes by Christian Dior, jewelry by Harry Winston

Look at that sly smile. It says, “I know I’ve worn an infinite number of Dior outfits lately, but you can’t even pretend you’re sick of them yet. JUST LOOK AT ME. BASK IN HOW GOOD I LOOK.” And bask we will, Miss Thing. This is some Aubrey Hepburn-level shit right here. And those earrings are out of this world.

NATALIE PORTMAN in New York City
top, pants, and shoes by Christian Dior, purse by Charlotte Olympia

Love the ladypants and the purse, though I’m not sold on the slightly bulbous shape of that pixellated print top.

NATALIE PORTMAN in New York City
dress, jewelry, purse, and shoes by Christian Dior

It pales in comparison to her other looks this week, but with a good steaming, this would actually be an exceptionally fabulous dress.

LUPITA NYONG’O in Los Angeles
gown by Lanvin

Just the right amount of slouch, stunningly draped, and the belt is killer. I seriously cannot tire of this fabulous woman.

KIERNAN SHIPKA in Los Angeles
dress by Preen

Every single detail of this is perfect. There is absolutely no stopping the red carpet power of Kiernan Shipka.

NAOMIE HARRIS in Los Angeles
dress by Oscar de la Renta

Those ARMS. My God. They’re just phenomenal. I’m usually no fan of the minidress-under-sheer-dress thing, but the texture of this overlay dress is absolutely stunning.

NAOMIE HARRIS in London
dress and shoes by Gucci, purse by Edie Parker

It takes some real posing poewr to make this dress work, but Naomie makes it looks so fucking easy. And I so rarely say this, but I even like the ridiculously strappy black booties!

NAOMIE HARRIS in Los Angeles
dress by Vivienne Westwood, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Points for being daring with the shoes, but I think they might be just a touch too random. Regardless, the dress fits her like a glove, and the print looks perfect on her.

RACHEL BILSON in Los Angeles
top and skirt by Milly, shoes by Givenchy

Supremely adorable. I love the colorblocking at the top and bottom of the skirt, the floral print, the silhouette – it’s all working.

TAYLOR SWIFT at the CMA Awards
gown by Elie Saab, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz

Absolutely breathtaking, but she also looks like she’s attending the world’s fanciest Christmas party.

OLIVIA PALERMO in New York City
dress by Willow, purse by Rafe, shoes by Aquazurra

Come on, Olivia. You’re always so close to something fabulous, but you insist on overdosing on accessories no matter what the occasion. Seriously, who the fuck would wear any necklace, let alone that giant necklace, underneath the fringed dress? This is madness, dear readers.

JESSICA BIEL in New York City
dress by Christian Dior

I predicted that Emma Watson would wear this Spring 2013 couture dress, but unfortunately, Jessica Biel got to it first, and brought her signature boringness with her. There’s nothing wrong with this look, per se, but it’s about as predictably Jessica as can be.

LILY COLLINS in Los Angeles
dress by Givenchy, shoes by Jimmy Choo

I’m usually buying what Lily Collins is selling, but I can’t say I’m impressed by her nightie and mental patient hair. Her eyebrows and lips remain fantastic, but everything else is a little too half-assed for me.

JAIME KING in Los Angeles
dress by Jason Wu

The gown version of this look was my Spring 2014 red carpet prediction for Charlize Theron, and I wish the fashion gods had saved it for her. Because Jaime King paired it with those black-and-white, almost plastic-looking sandals, and thus destroyed any chance this dress had of looking as glamorous as it should.

ALICIA KEYS in New York City
gown by Cushnie et Ochs

It’s a few inches too long – actually, all the proportions are a little bit off, I think. Those cut-outs look like they should sit slightly lower on her torso, and this gown really only fits Alicia in the hips and the straps. Still, girlfriend is born to wear red.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER in New York City
jacket by Saint Laurent, dress by Giles, necklace by Fred Leighton, purse by Freedom of Animals, shoes by Manolo Blahnik

Who does she think she is, one of the Fanning sisters? What grown woman even attempts to pull off two different kinds of polka dots with a pink dress? (And not in a 1940s pinup throwback sort of way. In a nonironic, nonpunk, decidedly crotchety sort of way.)

ELLE FANNING in Los Angeles
dress by Carven, shoes by Céline

Oh, sweetie. You are going to look back at these days and laugh, but secretly be glad that you at least attempted to pull off those shoes even though they scream “1930s big band maestro.”

SELENA GOMEZ in Los Angeles
dress by Cushnie et Ochs, shoes by Jimmy Choo

Honey. That neckline. That cut-out. Unless you were mauled by a bear en route to this event, I cannot think of a reasonable explanation for your dress to be in this condition.

JESSICA ALBA in Los Angeles
gown by Reem Acra

If Barbie would look at your dress and say, “Whoa, bitch, that is a METRIC SHIT-TON OF PINK,” you may have gone too far.

MILEY CYRUS at the MTV EMAs
dress by NY Vintage, boots by Tom Ford

Ohmagah, y’all, cultural appropriation is like, so totally cool, and like, even though I was like four years old when these guys died, it’s like totally interesting and stuff for me to have my assistant stitch together their faces to create something that like barely resembles clothing! Oh, and in case that wasn’t enough for you:

“Please stop.” That’s what I’d love to tell Miley, but something tells me she can’t stop. And she won’t stop.

—
© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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