Mornings are hard. Let’s all agree to inject coffee directly into our bloodstreams and start judging.

DIANE KRUGER in Berlin
gown by Valentino

The best thing about this jaw-droppingly gorgeous gown isn’t even how beautiful it is. It’s that it’s mid-December, and celebrities have every right to have given up on 2013 and started their tropical private island vacations (or whatever it is rich people do for the holidays). This time of year, it would be perfectly acceptable for all of Hollywood to close its doors and for all the starlets to switch to resort street style as they strut down the St. Barts’ beaches. But, red carpet badass that she is, Diane Kruger was all, “I’m NOT ending 2013 without showing the world at least one more spectacularly gorgeous couture gown on my spectacularly gorgeous body.” And so we get to spend our morning sipping (read: chugging) our coffees and basking in the glow of her unstoppable beauty. (And I get to edit my 2013 Best Dressed post to include this gown. Because how could I not?)

NAOMIE HARRIS in London
gown by Alexander McQueen

You’ll definitely see Mandela star Naomie Harris make an appearance on my Best Dressed of 2013 post. (If you’re feeling nostalgic, relive the best of 2012 here.) This relative newcomer to the red carpet has been an absolute joy to watch on this press tour – she’s all grace and elegance and total fabulosity. She’s also got arms that would put even Michelle Obama’s flawless biceps to shame. Plus, she’s wearing a bedazzled peplum, AND PULLING IT OFF. That’s absolutely unheard of.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE in New York City
top and pants by Marc Jacobs

Were you sad that the Catching Fire press tour was over? Luckily, Jennifer Lawrence apparently does not require sleep, because she’s back on the red carpet circuit promoting American Hustle. (I absolutely cannot wait to see that movie, if only for the 1970s outfits. Navel-grazing plunging necklines on Amy Adams, big hair and cigarettes for Jennifer Lawrence, and Bradley Cooper in hair curlers? Fashion-wise, this movie is going to be FLAWLESS.) As usual, J.Law makes her crop top and lady-pants look effortlessly fierce and ridiculously chic. And her shoes? I want to weep, they’re so fucking fabulous.

AMY ADAMS, CHRISTIAN BALE, JENNIFER LAWRENCE, BRADLEY COOPER, and JEREMY RENNER in New York City
Amy’s dress by Antonio Berardi, Jennifer’s dress by Alexander McQueen, Bradley’s shirt by Todd Snyder, Jeremy’s jeans by J Brand

Let’s do this quick and dirty. Amy: that dress fits you like a glove, and your tits look spectacular. Christian: you look like a lumberjack on date night. Jennifer: the dress is pretty enough, but if it weren’t for the bright color, you’d be totally outshined by Amy. Bradley: you have hit the point of diminishing returns on self-tanning. Jeremy: I dig your peacoat.

AMY ADAMS in New York City
gown by Elie Saab, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Gorgeous. I probably wouldn’t have advised wearing her hair down with a dress that has such a beautiful and interesting neckline. And the straight hair combined with the headband have a prep school cheerleader vibe that I don’t think works particularly well with this gown. But I’m being unreasonably picky – this gown is a work of art, and Amy looks spectacular in it.

AMY ADAMS in New York City
dress by Altuzarra, shoes by Casadei

The dress seems a shade too tight and too long, no? Also, a movie like American Hustle can handle some real absurd, over-the-top shit for the red carpet premieres, so let’s move beyond the black pumps and have some fun, okay?

BRADLEY COOPER in New York City
coat by Vivienne Westwood, pants by Todd Snyder, shoes by Red Wing

I WORSHIP this coat. I could write a sonnet about those asymmetrical pockets, but I’ll spare you that torture.

CATE BLANCHETT in Dubai
jumpsuit by Givenchy, purse by Roger Vivier

Cate Blanchett’s skin is SO BEAUTIFUL, you guys. Is she actually made of porcelain? I mean, I’m pale too, but my skin is more of the “speckled by beauty marks and freckles and blemishes and God knows what else” type, whereas Cate’s is more “glowing with an unearthly, magical beauty that mere mortals simply do not possess.” Also, she’s working the shit out of this jumpsuit. I think the purse is actually gold, and the red is just a reflection of the carpet, but even if it’s just a trick of the light, that pop of red looks fantastic, doesn’t it?

MARION COTILLARD at the Marrakech Film Festival
dress by Christian Dior

If it were just a hair tighter and maybe an inch shorter, this would probably be one of my favorite Marion looks EVER. But without a perfect fit, this is just a very fancy toga.

MARION COTILLARD at the Marrakech Film Festival
gown by Preen

Do you think part of Marion’s deal with Dior is that if she wears something not  by Dior, it has to look like a ridiculous tablecloth, thus making all her Dior outfits look better by comparison? That, at least, would explain this completely insane outfit.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH in Berlin
suit and tie by Dolce & Gabbana

Your velvet blazer is yummy, Benedict, but it’s a bit snug and short in the sleeves, making you look like an overgrown schoolboy.

ZOE SALDANA in Miami
jacket by Lanvin, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Do you even understand how quickly this outfit would be covered in coffee stains if I were to wear it? Even if I had a personal assistant to carry most of my shit and attack me with Tide-To-Go pens every half hour like clockwork, I still would never be able to wear this much white. Anyway, while Zoe looks fabulous here because she’s Zoe, I feel like she’s phoning it in. I’ve seen so many deliciously sharp monochromatic suits from her that this one just feels like an empty gesture.

REESE WITHERSPOON in Los Angeles
dress by Diane von Furstenberg, shoes by Manolo Blahnik

It’s kind of endearing how little edge Reese Witherspoon has, isn’t it? Even after having a diva meltdown when the cops pulled over her husband, she still comes off as sugary-sweet. If she were anyone else, I’d beseech her to inject some much-needed coolness into her wardrobe, but who am I kidding? It’s Reese Witherspoon. She doesn’t need to be cool. (And probably couldn’t pull it off if she tried.)

ANNA KENDRICK in Washington, D.C.
gown by Elie Saab, purse by Rauwolf

I don’t know why my invitation to the Kennedy Center Honors event keeps getting lost in the mail, but I can promise you, I would have showed up in a much more interesting gown than Anna Kendrick. Don’t get me wrong, this is a vast improvement over much of what she’s worn in the past, but this is about as expected as can be. It elongates her 5’2″ frame significantly, which is an achievement, but it feels kind of dated, and it doesn’t look nearly as expensive as I’m sure it is.

SANDRA BULLOCK in Tokyo
dress by Roland Mouret

Hard to see the details that actually make this a decent look, but if you look closely, you’ll see some absolutely killer seaming in that bodice. But Sandra needs to retire the basic little red dresses ASAP. They’re becoming a security blanket for her.

SANDRA BULLOCK in Tokyo
dress by Carolina Herrera, shoes by Charlotte Olympia

Pretty, and the floral embellishment coming out of the bottom is quite lovely, but this is still a little underwhelming for me.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS in Miami
gown by Louis Vuitton

There was a time, about a year and a half ago, when Michelle Williams was the queen of the red carpet. She was everywhere, all the time, looking hipster-fabulous in the most twee gowns you’ve ever seen. I don’t know if I got sick of all that precociousness, or if she’s changed stylists, but I haven’t seen her live up to that level of fabness in a very, very long time. This Louis Vuitton gown is depressing and strange. The tassels on the bottom? I mean, was Marc Jacobs joking when he sent this down the LV runway? He didn’t actually intend for people to wear tassels around their ankles on formal dresses, right? Please?

NOOMI RAPACE in Berlin
gown by Givenchy

For something as expensive and exquisite as Givenchy, this sure looks like random crap Noomi found at a thrift store, doesn’t it? (And not in a good way.)

KATY PERRY in London
gown by Versus Versace

Pink leopard print should not exist outside of Lisa Frank trapper-keepers from the 1990s. And now that it’s been more than six months since the punk-themed Met Gala, I think these decidedly non-punk starlets can quit it with the fucking safety pins already. We get it.

LADY GAGA in London
suit and necklace by Versace

I like to look for original sources of inspiration when I style my hair too, Gaga. But maybe “Albus Dumbledore on a Jamaican vacation” wasn’t really the best choice for you.

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© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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