Best Dressed: CATE BLANCHETT
gown by Armani Privé, jewelry by Chopard
No one else in an embellished beige/blush/otherwise-colorless gown even came close to Cate Blanchett – and there were a LOT of bitches trying to rock that trend on Sunday night. This lovely lady looked as exquisite as ever, in a dress just perfectly suited to her and flawless styling. The earrings alone are worthy of a sonnet, and brought a punch of glam to Cate’s signature ethereal beauty. As far as Cate and Lupita were concerned, the theme of the Oscars was clearly, “if you want to win, you better fucking dress like a winner.”
Runner-Up: KATE HUDSON
gown by Atelier Versace
Color me shocked, but I LOVED Kate Hudson’s look. Sophisticated and sexy; the plunging neckline brought a nice balance of youthfulness to those stunning shoulders, which could have ended up looking a bit matronly. Like basically everyone else on the red carpet, the hair was a bit of a bore, but Kate worked the hell out of this gown.
Honorable Mention: JARED LETO
tuxedo by Saint Laurent
I heard Jared Leto’s hair is insured for $10,000. And if it’s not, it should be, because that ‘do is DELISH. Mere mortals might look like a cater-waiter in this get-up, but Jared was effortlessly cool and chic in his white Saint Laurent jacket and red bow tie. The boy was positively glowing all night long, and it was about as endearing as can be.
gown by Giambattista Valli, jewelry by Chopard
I think the train of the skirt might also be the wrap on her arm, which is sort of confusing and silly, but isn’t she just breathtaking? The draping is perfect, and those earrings are to die for.
gown by Alexander McQueen, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
A tad underwhelming, but also maybe the best Sandra Bullock has ever looked. The gorgeous curls in her hair definitely helped – she’s been rocking the stick-straight blowout for too long, so this was a refreshing change. And the trendy ear cuff was a great choice, though the simple strapless cut of this dress is crying out for a necklace.
gown by Gabriela Cadena
Tough to photograph, but she looked positively angelic on television.
gown by Valentino, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
Olivia and her fetus absolutely rocked this Valentino gown. It seemed too simple from the front, and I don’t actually love the jewelry, but the view from the back is everything:
Blam. That little pop of white is just lovely, and the cut-out in back injects some youth and fun into the look.
tuxedo by Prada
Jason Sudeikis looked delicious as can be on Olivia’s arm, working a gorgeous blue suit and a beard I totally want to make out with.
gown by Lanvin
Effortless, chic, and not particularly attention-grabbing: it’s Meryl’s style at its absolute best.
gown by Roberto Cavalli
I don’t think it’s the best silhouette for such a tiny little lady, but I love that Cheno showed up looking like an Oscar herself.
gown by Christian Dior, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: J.Law needs to get the fuck out of that Dior contract. They’ve given her so many completely unremarkable gowns, and a few downright terrible looks. This is a completely forgettable look – the peplum has been done to death, and this isn’t even an interesting take on that played-out trend. The red reminded me of her first-ever Oscars gown, which I loved to death, but even though that gown was so simple, it felt much more new and interesting than this one. I get that Charlize Theron is the one in all those ridiculously obnoxious Dior commercials on TV, and so she needs a perfect gown for Oscar night as well. But maybe, just maybe, Dior could have saved something worthwhile for the goddamn Oscar nominee. JENNIFER, YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Also, this can’t be blamed on Dior, but that hair ages her about ten years. This might be the first time she’s actually looked the age she was supposed to be playing in American Hustle.
PORTIA DE ROSSI
gown by Naeem Khan
Hair that ages people at least a decade must have been another trend at the Oscars, because I didn’t even recognize Portia with this ‘do. Everything below the hairline is pretty fabulous, but the jewelry and purse were a bit distracting when paired with a dress that already had so much going on.
gown by Elie Saab
Yawn. I mean, at least it’s not black, and she looks heavenly in it, but YAWN.
gown by Reem Acra
Bette Midler’s 68-year-old cleavage is the wind beneath my wings. YOU GO AND GET IT, BETTE. YOU LOOK FABULOUS.
gown by Alberta Ferretti
It’s a nothing color, and I think that little swoop at the bottom of the bodice is kind of strange, but the slightly distressed effect of the skirt is working for me.
gown and purse by Oscar de la Renta
At least it’s a little more silvery than colorless, so this look ever-so-slightly distinguished itself from the rest of the pack. Love the fringe. Hate the platforms and the cut of the bodice.
gown by Saint Laurent
I didn’t even recognize Margot Robbie, who was a blonde the last time I saw her. This look is somehow incredibly severe and incredibly boring at the same time.
gown by Elie Saab, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo, jewelry by Piaget
I may throw up the next time I see a gown that looks like this. Don’t get me wrong – if there weren’t a dozen other stars in painfully similar gowns, I’d love this (except for the length – it needs to be shortened an inch or two). But I can maybe never look at a colorless embellished gown again without projectile vomiting all over my laptop.
Worst Dressed: EMMA WATSON
gown by Vera Wang, purse by Anya Hindmarch
Let me preface this by saying I basically worship Emma Watson, and even this outfit can’t make her look anything less than gorgeous. But FUCK THIS OUTFIT, you guys. It’s not remotely interesting or beautiful, the fit is absolutely awful, and even Emma’s stunning makeup and almost absurdly endearing personality cannot make up for whatever the fuck is happening on top of her head.
Need more Oscars? Catch up on Part 1, and check back soon for coverage of the fabulous Oscars after-parties.