Welcome back to your regularly scheduled bitchfest, dear readers!  

EMMA STONE in London
gown by Atelier Versace

Emma Stone must have heard about Emma Watson winning March Fabness again, because she brought some serious A-game to the red carpet this week. Since she’s off on another worldwide Spiderman press tour, we’re getting new Stone-cold fabulous looks every other day, and it’s basically the best. Love the hair color, the necklace, and her ability to be a white girl with red hair who can wear yellow. (It’s rare that pale gingers are successful in this color palette – it’s worked basically just this time, and that one Dior gown Julianne Moore wore.)

EMMA STONE in London
suit by Saint Laurent, shoes by Christian Louboutin

I’m always ready for a red-carpet-ready suit, and while I think these pants are basically perfect, I have some reservations about the jacket. It’s so painfully boxy, which can look terrific on a runway but rarely translates well to actual wardrobes. And no matter how much the fashion industry tries to shove it down my throat, I will never be okay with that buttoned-up-to-the-top button look. It makes me start tugging at my collar just thinking about it. And it always looks a bit Chloë-Sevigny-on-Big-Love to me.

DIANE KRUGER in New York City
jumpsuit by Zuhair Murad

Smoldering. Just look at those motherfucking bedroom eyes. Like, it’s not enough that everything else about Diane Kruger is beautiful and perfectly stylish and Germanically delicious? She also has to be able to destroy mere mortals with a single glance? It’s just not fair. Also, this laced-up bodysuit would look like a Halloween costume on most of us; on Diane, of course, it’s fashion.

KATE MARA in Los Angeles
dress by Christian Dior, purse by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Rupert Sanderson

Adorable dress. The pink-gold shoes are all kinds of perfect, and a fun and surprising color choice to pair with the red dress. A less awesome lady would have gone with boring black pumps, but Kate’s too cool for that shit.

LUPITA NYONG’O in Los Angeles
dress by Giambattista Valli, shoes by Christian Louboutin

I thought we’d see Emma Stone in this Fall 2013 couture dress, but that was before Lupita Nyong’o arrived on the scene to look better than anyone else, in everything, ever. Points deducted for the boring shoes, but Ms. Nyong’o is working the shit out of everything north of the ankles.

ELLE FANNING in Los Angeles
dress by Versace, purse by Brian Atwood, shoes by Christian Louboutin

The baby Fanning is growing up before our very eyes, dear readers, and I am loving it. She of the angelic white-blonde hair and alabaster skin was born to wear this cherry-red silk, and the bronze accessories were a stroke of styling genius. I’m a fan of her signature ethereal quirk, but this is the first time going grown-up has worked for her, instead of making her look like a little girl playing dress-up in her grandmother’s closet.

RASHIDA JONES in Los Angeles
dress by Erdem, shoes by Rupert Sanderson

Chic, trendy, and all-around fabulous. Maybe a red carpet best for the always-gorgeous but sometimes-fashionably-awkward Rashida Jones.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL in Cannes
gown by Valentino

I’m still on the fence on Maggie’s newly-blonde ‘do – I’m hoping it’s for a role, because I think it’s kind of weirdly aging. But her wardrobe is still serving up all the hipster-chicness you could possibly need. She was basically made for this Valentino print. This is the rare example where dresses that match the skintone really work, because there are beautiful pops of jewel tones in the dress to keep Maggie from looking naked or just plain weird.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL in Cannes
dress by Chloé

Not to worry, sniffling French people! If you’re in Cannes and you’ve got allergies, never fear – Maggie Gyllenhaal’s got a few thousand tissues to spare.

JESSICA BIEL in New York City
gown and purse by Oscar de la Renta

It’s a little boring and it doesn’t quite fit, but that’s kind of par for the course for Jessica Biel. It’s a relatively simple look that should work better on her than it actually does. The windswept hair just looks like she held her head out the window on the limo ride over to this event, that shade of lipstick isn’t right for her coloring, and the fabric pooling around her ankles just makes me sad.

HILARY RHODA in New York City
sweater and skirt by Jason Wu, shoes by Tabitha Simmons

Let’s start with the accessories. They’re just all wrong for this look – black and blue can work together sometimes, but not here. The shoes are too busy – the skirt and the sandals don’t both need to sparkle, and they look odd with the length of the skirt. Also, should I even be calling it a skirt? I mean, it’s a glorified sarong, considering her undergarments are on full display. And I don’t mind visible undies on the red carpet, but with a conservative sweater, it just doesn’t seem to make much sense.

JENNIFER GARNER in New York City
dress by Dolce & Gabbana

It says a lot about Jennifer Garner that this little black dress is probably the most interesting thing she’s ever worn.

JENNIFER GARNER in Los Angeles
jumpsuit by MaxMara, purse by Roger Vivier

Seriously, I will be thrilled when this Draft Day press tour is over and I can stop seeing this lady bore me to death on every red carpet AND every late-night show. I’m literally watching her be dull on my TV as I write this. I can’t take it anymore.

RACHEL WEISZ in New York City
dress and shoes by Narciso Rodriguez

A little on the boring side, but she serves up that “Jewish girl-next-door” thing like a pro.

KATY PERRY in Los Angeles
dress by Suno

I was fine with this until I realized that that horrible green shit surrounding her head is actually her hair. Katy, you look like you fell asleep with your ponytail dipped in a bottle of chlorine. Stop ruining your otherwise-decent looks with the universe’s worst styling choices.

KATE BOSWORTH in New York City
dress by Giambattista Valli, shoes by Casadei

I know the fashion universe thinks everything Kate Bosworth wears is worthy of the best-dressed list, but you’re fucking kidding yourselves if you think I’m going to avoid the bow-shaped elephant in the room. Kate, WHAT IS HAPPENING ON YOUR CHEST? Is this some sort of girly straightjacket? Did you try to hula-hoop with fifty yards of ribbon? What is your explanation for this?!

CATHERINE, DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE in Wellington, New Zealand
dress by Jenny Packham

It’s signature Kate, in that it’s boring and couldn’t possibly offend anyone. Because you know, not offending people is basically her job.

LENA DUNHAM in New York City
gown by Marc Jacobs

I once read that Lena Dunham was told that the most flattering way to pose on a red carpet was to sort of curve your body into an S-shape. Well, I don’t know who gave Lena this advice, but I want to punch them in their fucking mouth, because they are absolutely ruining her ability to be a fashion icon. This dress would look four hundred thousand times better if she weren’t trying to point her left hip towards the sky while keeping the rest of her body perfectly in place.

Posing aside, this isn’t really the direction she should be going with her wardrobe. “Glam fashion bitch” doesn’t feel real on her – just look at the uncomfortable expression on her face, which screams, “SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS SPARKLY SHIT, I CAN’T BREATHE!” Give me quirky, sassy Lena in something interesting over stiff, awkward Lena attempting glitz any day of the week.

LESLIE MANN in Munich
dress by The Row

Someone needs to get this lady some help. I used to think of Leslie Mann as one of those secretly fantastic dressers – she’s not constantly on the red carpet, and she doesn’t upstage the stars of her husband’s movies when she goes to events for his films, but she’s got a long history of some really beautiful shit. Unfortunately, now she’s just throwing on the nearest roll of satin she can find, smearing on some red lipstick, and falling out of a limo onto the red carpet. So, new stylist, maybe? Please?

ZOOEY DESCHANEL in Los Angeles
dress by Tommy Hilfiger

Hipster Sailor Barbie bullshit. I need about ten fucking Dramamine just looking at this dress – God knows what it would take to actually get me to try it on.

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© Democracy Diva, 2014.
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