Basic Bitches at the 2014 Met Gala

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Some Met Gala attendees will be honored as the Best Dressed; others will live in infamy as the Worst Dressed. As for the rest, well, let’s just sweep them into the “Basic Bitches” category and judge them all.

BRADLEY COOPER
tuxedo by Tom Ford

Photo: Evan Agostini/Invision/AP

Basic Bitch Bradley Cooper is newly beefed-up for a movie role, but how long ago was his last tuxedo fitting? Bradley, dear, methinks you should have warned your tailor that you were planning on gaining forty pounds. You look like a squat little penguin. Worse yet, you’re still so handsome that you’re kind of pulling the squat penguin vibe off.

ALLISON WILLIAMS
gown and purse by Oscar de la Renta

Photo: David Fisher/Rex

She looks like a Connecticut socialite. That could be an insult, but since she literally is from Connecticut and has famous parents, I guess it works. Great color, anyway.

SELENA GOMEZ
gown by Diane von Furstenberg

Photo: David Fisher/Rex

This is such a forgettable look, I would have sworn up and down that Selena Gomez was not actually at the Met Gala even after staring at this picture for an hour and a half. It might have won my praise at a movie premiere, but I need a little more originality than this when it comes to the biggest fashion event of the year.

ALEXA CHUNG
dress by Nina Ricci

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/FilmMagic

It’s a fine look, but she’s so basic, she’s getting up-staged by Rita Ora air-kissing Karen Elson in the background.

LEIGHTON MEESTER
gown by Emilio Pucci, purse by Smythson, shoes by Jimmy Choo

Photo: Kevin Mazur/WireImage

What was Leighton Meester’s worst styling decision – wearing those sandals, not opting for a pedicure before wearing open-toed shoes to a white-tie gala, or forgetting to bring along her greatest accessory, Adam Brody?

KATE MARA
gown by Valentino

Photo: Arroyo-OConnor/AFF

It borders on interesting, but mostly, it just makes her look like she has a skin disease.

IDINA MENZEL
gown by Donna Karan

Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty

Idina Menzel is a superhuman motherfucking goddess, but that frilly nonsense SCREAMS “basic bitch.”

LAKE BELL
gown by Tommy Hilfiger, purse by Reece Hudson

Photo: Evan Agostini/Invision/AP

Lake Bell is pooping fabric.

LENA DUNHAM
dress by Giambattista Valli

Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty

It’s one of her better looks, but it’s way too casual for the event.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY
dress by Balmain

Photo: David Fisher/Rex

She could wear this anywhere. And she usually does wear crazy little Balmain dresses, everywhere. So why the fuck couldn’t she have wandered into a ball gown or a tuxedo for the event? Why the sea of inappropriate cocktail dresses? Hell, show your nipples, I don’t care. But maybe cover your knees. It’s WHITE TIE.

OLIVIA MUNN
gown by Diane von Furstenberg

Photo: David Fisher/Rex

Tits out, knees covered. It’s a start. But bracelets worn over sleeves bother me. And for a dress that’s so low-cut, it’s weirdly Disney princessy to me.

RACHEL MCADAMS
gown by Ralph Lauren

Photo: Evan Agostini/Invision/AP

This is what comes up when you Google image search “basic bitch.” (I mean, it probably isn’t, but it should be.)

MICHELLE WILLIAMS
dress by Louis Vuitton, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Photo: Evan Agostini/Invision/AP

YOU WEAR THIS EVERY DAY WHY DO YOU NEVER STEP OUTSIDE THE TINY LITTLE HIPSTER-TWEE BOX YOU HAVE CREATED FOR YOURSELF ARRRGGGGGGGG BE MORE FORMAL FOR ONE DAMN NIGHT YOU STUBBORN LITTLE KNOB.

JESSICA ALBA
gown and purse by Diane von Furstenberg

Photo: instyle.com

Forgettable.

JESSICA PARÉ
gown by Michael Kors, purse by Roger Vivier

Photo: Evan Agostini/Invision/AP

Lumpy and awkward, but a great fabric. Also, Jessica Paré never leaves the house without that Roger Vivier purse and it’s really starting to wear on me.

HAYDEN PANETTIERE
gown by Dennis Basso

Photo: David Fisher/Rex

I have to keep squinting to figure out whether this gown is splatter-painted or I just sneezed on my computer screen again.

RASHIDA JONES
gown by Tory Burch, purse by Anya Hindmarch

Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty

Something about this dress makes me want to hold Rashida Jones, feed her some ice cream, and tell her everything is going to be okay.

KRISTEN STEWART
dress by Chanel, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Photo: Charles Sykes/Invision/AP

You look like a fancy emu.

FELICITY JONES
gown by Theory

Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty

Get the fuck out of here with that hair.

COBIE SMULDERS
gown by Reed Krakoff

Photo: Evan Agostini/Invision/AP

This actually would have been great, if it fit her, and didn’t so closely resemble a beach cover-up.

KYLIE MINOGUE
gown by Marchesa

Photo: David Fisher/Rex

Snooze.

ZOE KRAVITZ
gown by Topshop

Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty

The opposite of snooze, but not in a good way.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL
gown by Tommy Hilfiger

Photo: David Fisher/Rex

She looks like the drunkest, WASPiest girl at the prep school prom.


© Democracy Diva, 2014.
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10 responses to Basic Bitches at the 2014 Met Gala

  1. Holy boobs, Olivia Munn, there was a reason I liked you though I’m not sure about your dress on a whole.

  2. YES. This post is perfect. And you’ve now done your part to support the inclusion of these items in Google Image searches for “basic bitch”

  3. I have a new favourite game: “Let’s imagine how much better this would be in an actual colour”. For example, if Rachel McAdams’ dress had been, say, emerald green. Or if Kylie’s dress had been a dark wine colour and included more interesting hair. Or if Idina’s dress had been midnight blue and then poofed into a decent skirt. Or if Jessica Alba had been wearing anything else ever because I basically can’t tell where her dress ends and her face begins.

    • democracydiva – Author

      I LOVE THIS GAME. I actually play this in my head all the time. At the Oscars this year, eight billion ladies showed up in nude-blush-invisible color gowns with embellishments all over them. And I was like, can’t we just dip-dye these all different colors and then actually have something interesting to talk about?

      Also, I would have LOVED Rachel’s dress in emerald green.

  4. this post made my day lol I love Rosie’s dress but obviously not for the event; KAte Mara surprisingly pulls off her look and Kristen Stewart’s dress is kind of cool.
    That being said, I want to beg Lena Dunham to let me go on all her red carpet events, because even with my stingy clothes budget I’m pretty sure I could look better than her everytime. I’m sure she’s a lovely person and she’s obviously talented but she has absolutely zero red carpet presence which i CANNOT stand lol! -_-
    BTW congrats on passing the bar exam Democracy Diva!

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