Dear readers, it has been far too long. I thank you for your patience while this Diva was cramming for finals. But if you thought my absence meant that you’d miss out on all the fabulous in the world, fear not! I present to you a cornucopia of the last few weeks in celebrity fashion – in multiple parts, to prolong your delectable blogging experience. Take it away, fabulous!

Angelina: Mother of the Vampire Bride

A beautiful and sexy gown, but I do wish Ange would branch out a little more on the red carpet. She almost never wears colors of any kind, and it’s equally impossible to find her in prints, funky silhouettes, or basically anything unique. Ms. Jolie needs to step out of her comfort zone and wear something outside her usual aesthetic of slutty mother-of-the-bride at a vampire wedding.

Another perfect example of Angie’s fashion faux pas: this Elvira/Morticia Adams thing went out of style in the 90s. The sleeves that go straight into gloves are just absurd, and the trannylicious hair and makeup is almost hilariously bad.

An improvement, certainly, but it’s clear that she won’t leave her witch-goddess look behind. From the waist up, she’s every glitzy, unoriginal Hollywood starlet; from the waist down, she’s a lush velvet snuggie. Angie, darling, you are no longer the brother-kissing, blood-vial-wearing, Billy Bob Thorton-fucking creeperdoodle of your youth. Since those days, you’ve added half a dozen kids, the hottest baby-daddy in the world, and all kinds of philanthropic shenanigans to your life. It’s long past time for a new stylist.

Black Swan Starlets Get Fabulous

Simple and borderline boring, but exactly what you should wear to the premiere of your ballerina thriller. Loving the Lolita purse. The effect of the droopy sleeves is a little sad, and I wish she had more eye makeup on to counterbalance all that lipstick.

Smile, Natalie! Your hot and your movie is getting all kinds of delectable buzz. Plus, the dress is cute and this hair and makeup flatters

I’m fully obsessed with the new Lanvin collection for H&M. I stopped shopping at H&M a few years back when I realized everything I purchased there fell apart within a few wears (with the exception of the dress I bought for my sixteenth birthday, which I still own and plan on wearing when I lose the weight that law school made me gain). But one of the finest French designers in the world, making hot little $200 party dresses? Delectable. The bubbly shoulder is a little awkward on Ms. Portman – but for how cheap this dress was, how can I really complain? The hair and makeup are flawless, the purse is great, but Natalie, don’t think I didn’t notice that you’re wearing the same shoes you wore in the previous photo! Time for a new pair of Loubs, missy!

I was all set to say that starlets need to stop wearing the same Elie Saab gowns over and over again, because this is just a winter white version of Lea Michele’s SAG Awards dress from last January, but apparently that dress wasn’t even Elie Saab. It was Catherine Malandrino. So go figure.

Regardless, although Mila went for the standard “Look at me, bitches!” gown, she is looking mighty fierce. The black nail polish, the amazing shoes, the bangles, the earrings, and the impeccable makeup are all making this basic dress look mighty stylish.

But I much prefer the blazer, skinny pants, and fierce heels of this look. She may be in LA, but this is New York chic all the way. Love the hair.

We Get It, Michelle. You’re a Hipster.

You have to have a certain kind of face to pull off a platinum blonde pixie cut. I think Michelle Williams has that face, but I think the outfits she pairs with her haircut are just too hipster and not flattering enough. She’s surprisingly broad-shouldered for such a small woman, and this dress is emphasizing that rather than hiding it. The stupid bow and tiered skirt make this look more French maid than red carpet. It’s polished and put together nicely, but a pigeonhole is still a pigeonhole, even if you limit yourself to alterna-girl hipster-chic party dresses. Step outside the box, Michelle.

All I can hear is Cher Horowitz’s dad in Clueless saying, “What are you wearing? That looks like underwear” when she appears in her tiny little Calvin Klein minidress. This is like that, only it makes her look man-shouldered and awkward instead of young and beautiful.

The Rising Classiness of Katy Perry

I have always hated Katy Perry – does the world REALLY need another no-talent hack who sells records based solely on the fact that she’s a big-titted girl who sings about kissing other girls – but even this Diva must admit that her fashion sense has absolutely exploded lately. The girl who used to insist on bright blue Betty Page wigs and figure skating costumes on the red carpet has blossomed into a woman who realizes that she can be sexy even without whipped cream shooting out of her nipples. This dress isn’t my style at all, but at least it’s mature but still youthful, elegant, and sexy. But Katy, as long as you’re making such wonderful wardrobe changes, please heed my advice: Dress a size bigger and you’ll look a size smaller. A dress doesn’t need to squash your boobs and tummy into oblivion.

Like the dress before it, this is still flashy and sexy enough for a pop star, but not at all costumey. (But, I spot another repeat shoe offender! Katy, I know you love those leg-lengthening nude pumps, but not for two different red carpets in the same week, please!) Note the hair and makeup – classy, with a bit of 1960s fun to it. We’ve come a long way, kittens. And, though skintight, this dress might not have looked as good in a size bigger, so kudos!

Flawless. Borderline bridal, but I think it’s silvery-gray enough to be just a stunning couture gown. Great accessories, and Katy again proves that she absolutely glows when her hair is wavy and relaxed and her makeup is heavy on the eyeliner and light on everything else. She’s never looked so beautiful.

A step down from the last look, but not by too much. Sure, the dress is tacky, but she is still Katy Perry. You can’t expect her to give up her love of all things kitschy overnight. And let’s be honest – we know what Katy looks like when she goes truly tacky, and this ain’t it. The hair has too much product in it and the makeup is too heavy-handed, and the whole dress should be lifted up an inch or two, because those tatties aren’t going to hold themselves up. But it’s not terrible, all things considered.

Get A Haircut, Carey Mulligan

Literally perfect from the neck down, but that hair has become a disaster. The worst part of a short haircut is growing it out, and so we must suffer through Carey’s awkward phases while she attempts to rid herself of the Rosemary’s Baby look. But I love the dress and the purse beyond belief. So she gets a pass.

This, on the other hand, is a head-to-toe nightmare. Apparently part of the hair growth process involves a stop at a beauty pageant in 1980s Kentucky, because that ‘do is seriously cheesy. The print on that dress looks like psychedelic vomit, and what’s going on with the length? Completely unflattering. Oh, and SMILE, BITCH! Your hair may suck and your style isn’t always top notch, but you’re thin as a rail and rich as a king. Cheer the fuck up.

Jessica Alba Steals Dakota Fanning’s Shoes

I loathe every fiber of Jessica Alba’s being, but this dress is pretty fucking cute. The hair is stupid and the purse doesn’t match, but this little Miu Miu number is pretty cute, if a little cock-eyed around the bust.

Oh, good lord, I want to slap this girl in the fact, and not only for this boring dress and that stupid face. Jessica, I know you stole Dakota Fanning’s fierce Louboutins. Worse than that, you paired them with a white dress. Just stop existing now, please.

Blondes Have More Fun

I mean, it’s a country music awards ceremony. And not even a particularly popular one. Do you really expect something better than this? What a nightmare. Fire your stylist.

Better, but still a little tacky and unoriginal, but that’s country music for you. (Cheap shot, I know.) I’ve seen this dress a hundred times, but at least it’s not mortifying and her hair and makeup look nice.

Adorable.

Oof. I probably wouldn’t be so picky if it weren’t Reese Witherspoon, but I spot a lot of problems. Those giant-toed shoes look absurd. The design on that dress is immature and not very flattering. Her chin looks even larger than usual. Her makeup was clearly not done by a professional. And girl, touch up those roots! Are you really showing up at your own movie premiere with black roots and blonde highlights?

Gossip Girls

Awesome. Simple and flawless hair, makeup, and dress allow this look to be all about those KILLER shoes. And do I spot pockets in this dress? Even more epic.

I want to hate this, but I can’t. I think she looks totally cute, and with better hair and makeup, she would have been an absolute knockout. Menswear for women has absolutely rocked the last few seasons of fashion, so why can’t a woman wear a fierce suit and tie on the red carpet?

This reminds me a little too much of the Marc Jacobs dress she wore back in September, except with shoes that don;t match, an ugly bracelet, and way too much lipstick. It’s probably a cute dress, but the styling is too much of a mess.

Is it just me, or does Blake look totally wasted? I mean, if I were going to the fucking Footwear News Achievement Awards, I’d get pretty drunk myself, but there’s something about that shit-eating grin that just screams “There’s an empty bottle of tequila in my limo!” Love this dress from the waist down, hate it from the waist up. Those crinkled shoulders are not really a style that looks good on anybody, and those shoes are just distracting.

How many lace sheer-bottomed dresses can one woman wear? And isn’t this just Emma Watson’s dress from the Deathly Hallows world premiere, but upside-down? And why are her breasts glowing? I just have so many questions.

I sort of love this fringey flapper look. I think if Blake’s tits weren’t itching to escape from the dress, it might look better. She also should have worn it in a color that doesn’t wash her out so badly. Plus, those thick-strapped sandals, the chunky bracelets, and the black nail and toenail polish overpower this light, breezy gown.

The Fabulous Life of Anne Hathaway

Beautiful, if a little boring. But Annie’s got old Hollywood beauty and a timeless style, and that can never really go wrong.

Oh. I guess I spoke too soon. This skirt is absolutely ridiculous, the makeup is downright clownish, and the straps to those shoes look like bondage.

There’s the Princess Mia we know and love. Beyond being the most beautiful woman in Hollywood, Anne Hathaway truly has the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.

Not my favorite. Who chose silver shoes with a gold dress? I also think this dress looks way too cheap to be Oscar de la Renta. But how could anybody say no to that smile?

Same shoes she wore in the first picture, but that’s more forgivable, because I think these events were about a month apart. This is sort of junior prom-esque, but it’s fun and the sleeves are pretty and I bet it doesn’t look so weirdly sparkly in person.

Definitely one of my favorite Annie looks of all time. This is how a fucking movie star dresses. This is Anne Hathaway saying, “Damn right I’m co-hosting the Oscars! And you can expect six hundred costume changes, all of which will knock your fucking socks off!” Totally original but still a classic Hollywood look.

Drag Queen or Pop Diva? Christina Goes Burlesque

For several years now, at least since she had her baby, Christina Aguilera has only appeared in public looking like a drag queen imposter of herself. Certainly the Burlesque premiere is the appropriate time to tranny it up, but Christina is still young. There is absolutely no reason for her hair and makeup to look like that. What is it that her stylists are trying so hard to cover up? She’s still totally bangin’, you just can’t tell because of all the crap she’s always wearing. What a shame.

The dress is kind of great, like a modern version of something Cher would wear, which is pretty appropriate, given the event. But the hair! The makeup! Good lord, is that a pink braid wrapped around her head? And how much lipstick do you think she goes through in a week?

Repeat Offender: Eva Mendes

Another famous-for-being-hot no-talent that I love to hate, here’s Eva Mendes doing her best saloon whore impression. The slight differences in color between her skin, her shoes, her dress, and her purse are so distracting. But it’s not the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen her wear…

… because this is. Seriously? We’re seriously going to start wearing this color? A floor-length  satin banana yellow gown with white embellishments? Oh, and brush your fucking hair, Eva. You’re wearing Dior. Show some respect.

WTF Moment of the Month: Marion Cotillard

I actually screamed out loud when I realized the woman in this photo was Marion Cotillard, who I usually consider one of the more beautiful and stylish women in Hollywood. (I mean, she’s French! How could she not out-fabulous us all?) But apparently I was extraordinarily mistaken. There’s just so much wrong here. First, CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT PERM? I mean, I just cannot even fathom how someone thought this would be a good idea. This is such a clear example of celebrities who surround themselves with yes-men, who fawn over them and tell them how oh-so-fashion-forward they look when they really just look like hot tranny messes. At least, I hope that’s the explanation, otherwise someone ACTUALLY BELIEVED MARION LOOKED GOOD LIKE THIS.

And the makeup is almost as bad. Totally overdone. Though it’s practically demure compared to this gown, which is possibly the stupidest thing on earth. If someone described a feathered halter dress with a giant peekaboo cleavage hole and a giant blue leopard print all over it, you’d prescribe them an anti-psychotic medication immediately. But here Marion is, in the worst Dior creation I’ve ever seen, and looking mighty pregnant in it at that.

Oh, thank the lord. Someone threw a decent dress on her, scraped off that clown makeup, and straightened that godforsaken perm. It’s still kind of lumpy and misshapen, and I’m not convinced she’s not with child, but it’s a complete 180 from the dress before, so I can’t complain.

Gleeks Gone Glam

Recent Glee guest star (who, it is rumored, will be returning to the show) rocks a little bridal cocktail dress as her star on the Walk of Fame is unveiled. I think she looks about as boring as boring can get, which is unsurprising, considering it’s Gwyneth.

Wait. Is that – where exactly does that slit go?

Oh. Oh my word.

Oh, good LORD! What a way to tell the universe you don’t believe in panties, Gwynnie! This is actually downright vulgar. What a desperate cry for attention.

Ick. I usually love our Miss Pillsbury and her adorable outfits, but I’m not liking this. Too many colors and textures – the effect is unpleasant. The dress is unflattering – this woman is itsy bitsy, but you’d never know it from this photo. The styling is just completely off, and her mousy features can’t really handle that much lipstick.

This, on the other hand, is bright, chic, and beautiful. There’s still too many different colors going on with the accessories – we don’t need everything to match, but we don’t need everything to clash, either – but I think it was daring to choose those shoes, and I worship this iced periwinkle color on her.

It’s a little figure skater-esque, and this bitch needs to wear something other than black nail polish just once, but I still think she looks quite beautiful. I think the side bangs flatter her face much better than the straight-across bangs, and I think the curves of this dress are quite beautiful. Perfect makeup, too. But she could have styled it up more with better shoes or more jewelry.

Oy. This is a straight up disaster. She actually looks like she’s wrapped in a white towel, having just got out of the shower. Like I said, these big bangs don’t do much for her face. Us Jewish-looking ladies know that a side-part is much more flattering to our features. And us tiny girls know better than to wear stiff, almost-but-not-quite full-length gowns that make us look short and squat.
Check back later today for The Month in Celebrity Fashion: Part II!

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© Democracy Diva, 2010.