Boring was the theme of this particular red carpet event, but that won’t stop this Diva from giving you fascinatingly bitchy commentary! Without further ado, the 2011 Golden Globes.

Claire Danes in Calvin Klein

My favorite look of the night, even though it’s totally not my style. But it’s so hard to do effortless, minimalist chic without being boring, and Claire managed to err on the side of completely fucking fabulous. The color is a dream on her skin. The fabric flows like water – lord knows how she got there without it wrinkling! It’s super-flattering (though it seems our girl needs to eat a sandwich) and I’m loving that wrist cuff.

Anne Hathaway in Armani Prive

If you’re going to cover it all up in the front, you had better give us a show in back, and that’s exactly what Anne did. Great color, perfect fit, and those shoulders are totally fierce. And normally I don’t support a dress that practically shows butt cleavage, but she looks so damn sexy.

Catherine Zeta-Jones in Monique Lhuillier

After I saw this in the Pre-Fall 2011 collection, I actually predicted that Christina Hendricks would wear it, but it looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones beat her to it! This dress is an absolute force to be reckoned with. Catherine really brought the drama and the glamour. Loving those blingtastic earrings.

Amy Adams in Marchesa

A very beautiful dress, but a lighter color would have made it far more interesting. And this girl needs some diamonds, stat!

Megan Fox in custom Armani Prive

A stunning dress, but Megan isn’t actually doing much for it. That hair and makeup is just so over. A woman who is supposed to be as beautiful as everyone thinks Megan Fox is should be able to shine in a gown like this, but there’s something not right here. She’s so stiff and unnatural, while the dress is sweet, soft, and luxurious. When Armani custom-designs a gown for you, you better BRING IT. And she didn’t.

Tina Fey in L’Wren Scott

Again, great dress, but Tina needs to not be afraid of color. If we could actually see the plush velvet of this gown, in a lighter color, it’d be a home run.

Kyra Sedgwick in Emilio Pucci

Great color, but I’m getting a little sick of that mustard yellow as the go-to out-of-the-box color. Diane Kruger and Michelle Williams both wore this color and wore it better. Plus, that little bit of fabric shielding her cleavage from view looks like it was tacked on at the last second (because it probably was). Also, gold accessories were a huge mistake with this color dress.

Kelly Osbourne in Zac Posen

Totally fierce. If her hair were darker and her eyeshadow were lighter, this would have been fantastic. Though that dress seems to have a bit more skirt than she can handle.

Naya Rivera in Douglas Hannant

It’s kind of a nothing color. It’s also kind of a nothing dress. The only point of interest is how excited Naya’s breasts are to be at the Golden Globes.

Olivia Wilde in Marchesa

Olivia Wilde is thrilled to be prom queen, y’all!

Heather Morris in Lorena Sarbu

Heather has T-Swift syndrome: making a totally average dress look amazing because of how fiercely she poses. She could use less blush and a warmer color dress. But she certainly looks gorgeous, even if she went too safe with her choice of dress.

Jane Krakowski in Badgley Mischka

Preggo Grecian goddess. Great color, gorgeous draping, and that bit of lace is unbelievable. This is perfect red carpet maternity wear.

Lea Michele in Oscar de la Renta

Hasn’t she worn this dress like six times already? Except they were way better colors and not wrinkled to shit? Lea, you’ve disappointed me. It’s great that you’ve found a ridiculously divalicious gown that works for you, but you need to branch out of your ruffled-ball-gown phase immediately.

Scarlett Johansson in Elie Saab

I actually predicted that Anne Hathaway would wear this on the red carpet; looks like ScarJo stole it. But aren’t half the women on the runway wearing this color? Seriously, who told the Hollywood stylists that glittery nude shades are in? There’s just too many of them!

Heidi Klum in Marc Jacobs

I love that Heidi finally took a risk and didn’t wear something short, tiny, and shiny for basically the first time in the last decade. Unfortunately, the risk she took did not pay off, because this is kind of a hippie-dippie-disaster. The hair and dress are more beach than red carpet, and those bracelets are just too much. I also hate how matchy-matchy the shoes are to the bracelets. The shade of lipstick and nail polish is wrong, and the dress is just sloppy and not at all chic.

Helen Mirren in Badgley Mischka

Elderly sex on a stick. Love the shoulders.

Amber Riley in Oliver Tolentino

Totally working it. Great color, super-flattering fit (though I don’t think she needs to hide behind that belt), and it’s great to see a woman with curves going totally old-school Hollywood glamorous. Definitely the best she’s ever looked.

Christina Hendricks in Romona Keveza

Christina’s hair matches her dress in both color and shape. That is a problem.

Mila Kunis in Vera Wang

Mila wears way too much Vera Wang on the red carpet, such that everything she wears has a few of the same design elements (example: that poofy shoulder). The texture of this dress is unique but very unpleasant. The color is gorgeous, but she wasn’t the only one of the night to wear it. And it doesn’t do anything for her fabulous figure.

Jenna Ushkowitz in Rebecca Taylor

Another high school prom dress, but this is still the best Jenna has ever looked.

Dianna Agron in J. Mendel

Diana always looks beautiful but about as boring as possible. This is no exception. Wear a color! Wear a shape! Fashion is an art, kittens. Use it accordingly.

Mandy Moore in Monique Lhuillier

About as basic a red carpet dress as you can imagine, but the color is beautiful, and Mandy looks great in it.

Nicole Kidman in Prada

No matter what Nicole Kidman wears, it always seems to scream, “I’m the stuffiest, prissiest, iciest bitch on this red carpet.”

Angelina Jolie in Atelier Versace

Eh. It’s like the poor man’s version of Anne Hathaway’s dress, but in green, and not backless, and way uglier. The fit is a little bit of a nightmare and there’s really nothing interesting here besides the color, which isn’t even all that interesting.

Natalie Portman in Viktor & Rolf

A Valentine’s Day disaster. The red flower is bad enough (especially with the baby-pink dress), but matching the shoes and purse to the rose was a rookie mistake. Just because you’re beautiful and pregnant and glowing doesn’t mean you get a free pass to look like an idiot.

Elisabeth Moss in custom Donna Karan

Droopy and sad. And it needs a necklace.

Sofia Vergara in Vera Wang

Another snooze-fest. A woman this beautiful should be dressing way better than this. Too shiny, too plastic-looking, and it doesn’t look as expensive as I know it must be. The crinkled fabric over the bust and tummy is just so unflattering.

Michelle Williams in Valentino

Oh, good lord. I give up. Michelle, I don’t give a shit how much of a hipster you are. You don’t get to wear a dress made entirely of scrapbooking materials and side-ruffles. (Though the flower straps are nice.)

Halle Berry in Nina Ricci

Why wear a gown when you can just wear a corset and a sheer piece of fabric? For God’s sake, this is a red carpet. You should be at least partially clothed. And while one of those wrist-cuff things would have been awesome, two is just weird.

January Jones in Versace

Why wear a gown when you can wear a red string over each nipple? Seriously, January, put those away. And this looked even worse on TV, because it didn’t actually flatter her body at all. Versace made a bunch of different incarnations of this dress, all of which have that awkward, giant tassel in the front that looks like giant flapper pubes.

Jayma Mays in Alberta Ferretti

I understand that when you have to dress in cute little matchy-matchy cardigans and similarly twee outfits on set, the desire is to go dark and dramatic when you’re on the red carpet. But this is way too Elvira for a little mousy redhead to wear. Those hair extensions are nightmarish, and the different black textures against her white skin and red lips are just not working for me.

Gabourey Sidibe in Marc Bouwer

That is the ugliest print I’ve ever seen. I want to know who turned to Precious and said, “You know what would look AMAZING on you? Giant purple leopard print. With sparkles. And gold flowers. And other random shit falling off the arms.”

Leighton Meester in Burberry Prorsum

A Mormon wedding gown. Shoes are fierce, but that purse is ugly as hell.

Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad

When in doubt, just wear a sparkly poncho and hope nobody notices that you can’t move your face.

Christina Aguilera in Zuhair Murad

Mermaid gown. In an ugly, grandma’s-couch print. With a misplaced belt that breaks up her body in an unflattering, disproportionate way. Plus drag hair and makeup. It’s like all of my pet peeves combined into one trashy woman!

Sandra Bullock in Jenny Packham

This was so much worse on camera, because Sandra has clearly had some badly botched plastic surgery lately and she couldn’t move a single muscle in her face. I think that’s why she went with those awful bangs, which many bloggers said were probably clip-on – yes, CLIP-ON BANGS. ON THE RED CARPET. AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES. I might throw up.

Emma Stone in Calvin Klein

Okay, Emma Stone is actually a natural blonde. Fine. But the platinum hair and fake tan (again, it was way worse on TV) make her look like Lindsay Lohan. And the dress matches her skin so well, it’s actually quite off-putting. This is from the same collection as Claire Danes’s dress, and yet this is minimalism gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Helena Bonham Carter in Vivienne Westwood

You know what? If I were Bellatrix Lestrange, you can bet your ass I’d be wearing two different shoes on the red carpet. I actually would have appreciated that decision if they weren’t Christmas colors. And yes, she looks like a crackwhore, but that dress is kind of fierce.

 

Julianne Moore in Lanvin

Julianne Moore cannot stop wearing seriously ugly one-armed dresses. This is like a bad 80s movie exploded all over this poor woman. That puffy sleeve is ridiculous, the skirt is horribly wrinkled, the length is a complete disaster, and it’s all as unflattering as can be. Not to mention that pink, which I’d think would be illegal to wear since it’s so obviously trademarked by Prostitute Barbie.

And let’s not neglect the gentlemen…

Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Prada

I love a man in Prada. Especially when that man is as delicious as Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Justin Bieber in D&G

Say what you will about the Biebs, but if more teenage boys dressed like this, the world would be a better place. But is it just me, or just a growth spurt, or does Justin look frighteningly thin and exhausted? Take a vacation, Biebs. You deserve it.

Robert Pattinson in Gucci

Rob, call your stylist and tell him he’s getting a raise. This is the best you’ve looked since your Cedric Diggory days. Keep it up.

Darren Criss in Giorgio Armani

The quirky accessories were cute at first, but his shtick is getting tired. Darren, you’re a gorgeous, talented overnight sensation! Don’t hide behind a gimmick.

 

Chris Colfer in Simon Spurr

Perfection.

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© Democracy Diva, 2010.