Stars brought the glam, the boring, the slutty, and the downright crazy to the Oscars after-parties. Let’s judge.

Whoa there. The Tiz has pulled out ALL the stops. Way to attempt to get taken seriously, Sharpay! Where’s your gay twin? Anyway, she’s werqing this dress, which combines a lot of pretty basic trends, but the whole is so much greater than the sum of its parts. Great draping, LOVE the break at the waist, and the top has some interesting elements going on. It spices up what might be a boring color. I like the darker hair, but her eyebrows should be darker too.

KILLING IT. This is how you can wear no color at all and still look fabulous – but it helps to have that flaming hair.

Okay, Kelly. That dress is awesome. I now give you the right to sit front row at half a dozen New York Fashion Week runway shows and report on fashion live from the Oscars red carpet. (But can we stop with the Dolly Parton styling?)

Remember when she existed? At least she still knows how to dress. Simple but effective.

Mrs. Judd Apatow looks surprisingly chich! Love the color, the cut, the waist. Needs a necklace, though.

A refreshing change from her usual hippie-disco shit. She’s the only person tiny enough to wear that tummy cut-out. Great shoulder cut-outs, too.

She always looks amazing, but she might be the most boring woman on the planet.

Super cute. Love the straps.

This could be great in a different color, and if Jessica Biel didn’t look like someone shoved a pole up her ass.

Way to bring it, Robin! A little under-dressed, perhaps a bit too casual, but she really looks beautiful and I love the color of those shoes.

By far the best she’s ever looked, but why does she only wear dresses that are two sizes too small?

Hard to recognize her without her tits hanging out, isn’t it?

But I can’t help but melt at a picture of this duo together. Don’t love the dress, but at least it’s something different.

Hate the bracelet, hate the hair, but if this dress were a different length, I think it’d be pretty fabulous.

This was my prediction for Jessica Alba. It would’ve been boring on her, and it’s boring on Gwyneth.

Snooze. This is what everyone has worn everywhere. Try harder.

See: Taylor Swift.

See: Taylor Swift and Vanessa Hudgens, with ruffles.

Having Christina Aguilera circa now as your style icon is a mistake, Hayden. Bitch is DRUNK.

Speaking of drunk… I sure hope Cameron doesn’t stumble or we’ll be seeing her cooter tonight.

Oh, for crying out loud. We already know you’re the sluttiest flamenco dancer on ice the world has ever seen. You don’t need to prove it.

Yeah, because what the world needs is another dipshit fauxlebrity in a mermaid gown with lopsided boobs.

Oh, LORD. Why does this bitch always look so drab and sad on the red carpet? You’re young and thin and Vanity Fair invited you to their party. Get over your #whitegirlproblems and dress happier.

Because even a whore in a western saloon in the 1850s needs a prom dress, y’all.

It’s official. I give up on her as a human being. I don’t care if this is Chanel. I hate it all. Did you see that HAIR? I’m sorry, I didn’t know she was a California surfer girl in 1962. It’s so bad her skirt is trying to run away from it.

So we’ve regressed from evening gowns to skirts with bras and vests? Is that really what’s happening? Because if so, I quit.

I spoke too soon. We’re down to a bra and panties now. I don’t care if it’s an after-party, this is the OSCARS. This is VANITY FAIR. Show some fucking respect, and LOCK. IT. UP.

But wait! It’s time for Tux Watch!

GET IT, GIRL! Flawless. Love the hair.

Great tux, but he gets douchier-looking by the second.

YUM. Textbook definition of silver fox.

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© Democracy Diva, 2011