Oscars Post-Show Parties

Stars brought the glam, the boring, the slutty, and the downright crazy to the Oscars after-parties. Let’s judge.

Ashley Tisdale in Jenny Packham

Whoa there. The Tiz has pulled out ALL the stops. Way to attempt to get taken seriously, Sharpay! Where’s your gay twin? Anyway, she’s werqing this dress, which combines a lot of pretty basic trends, but the whole is so much greater than the sum of its parts. Great draping, LOVE the break at the waist, and the top has some interesting elements going on. It spices up what might be a boring color. I like the darker hair, but her eyebrows should be darker too.

Florence Welch in Valentino

KILLING IT. This is how you can wear no color at all and still look fabulous – but it helps to have that flaming hair.

Kelly Osbourne in Tony Ward

Okay, Kelly. That dress is awesome. I now give you the right to sit front row at half a dozen New York Fashion Week runway shows and report on fashion live from the Oscars red carpet. (But can we stop with the Dolly Parton styling?)

Charlize Theron in Atelier Versace

Remember when she existed? At least she still knows how to dress. Simple but effective.

Leslie Mann

Mrs. Judd Apatow looks surprisingly chich! Love the color, the cut, the waist. Needs a necklace, though.

Nicole Richie in Halston

A refreshing change from her usual hippie-disco shit. She’s the only person tiny enough to wear that tummy cut-out. Great shoulder cut-outs, too.

Kate Beckinsale

She always looks amazing, but she might be the most boring woman on the planet.

Selena Gomez in Dolce & Gabbana

Super cute. Love the straps.

Jessica Biel in Versace

This could be great in a different color, and if Jessica Biel didn’t look like someone shoved a pole up her ass.

Cobie Smulders

Way to bring it, Robin! A little under-dressed, perhaps a bit too casual, but she really looks beautiful and I love the color of those shoes.

Jenna Ushkowitz

By far the best she’s ever looked, but why does she only wear dresses that are two sizes too small?

Lea Michele in Roberto Cavalli

Hard to recognize her without her tits hanging out, isn’t it?

Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele

But I can’t help but melt at a picture of this duo together. Don’t love the dress, but at least it’s something different.

Marisa Tomei

Hate the bracelet, hate the hair, but if this dress were a different length, I think it’d be pretty fabulous.

Gwyneth Paltrow in Michael Kors

This was my prediction for Jessica Alba. It would’ve been boring on her, and it’s boring on Gwyneth.

Taylor Swift in Zuhair Murad

Snooze. This is what everyone has worn everywhere. Try harder.

Vanessa Hudgens in Marchesa

See: Taylor Swift.

Anna Kendrick in Notte by Marchesa

See: Taylor Swift and Vanessa Hudgens, with ruffles.

Hayden Panettiere in Luca Luca

Having Christina Aguilera circa now as your style icon is a mistake, Hayden. Bitch is DRUNK.

Cameron Diaz in Carolina Herrera

Speaking of drunk… I sure hope Cameron doesn’t stumble or we’ll be seeing her cooter tonight.

Heidi Klum in Julien Macdonald

Oh, for crying out loud. We already know you’re the sluttiest flamenco dancer on ice the world has ever seen. You don’t need to prove it.

Kim Kardashian in J. Mendel

Yeah, because what the world needs is another dipshit fauxlebrity in a mermaid gown with lopsided boobs.

Dianna Agron in Salvatore Ferragamo

Oh, LORD. Why does this bitch always look so drab and sad on the red carpet? You’re young and thin and Vanity Fair invited you to their party. Get over your #whitegirlproblems and dress happier.

Zoe Saldana in Prabal Gurung

Because even a whore in a western saloon in the 1850s needs a prom dress, y’all.

Emma Stone in Chanel

It’s official. I give up on her as a human being. I don’t care if this is Chanel. I hate it all. Did you see that HAIR? I’m sorry, I didn’t know she was a California surfer girl in 1962. It’s so bad her skirt is trying to run away from it.

Eva Mendes in Donna Karan

So we’ve regressed from evening gowns to skirts with bras and vests? Is that really what’s happening? Because if so, I quit.

Sofia Vergara in Zuhair Murad

I spoke too soon. We’re down to a bra and panties now. I don’t care if it’s an after-party, this is the OSCARS. This is VANITY FAIR. Show some fucking respect, and LOCK. IT. UP.

But wait! It’s time for Tux Watch!

Chris Colfer in Giorgio Armani

GET IT, GIRL! Flawless. Love the hair.

Matthew Morrison in Dolce & Gabbana

Great tux, but he gets douchier-looking by the second.

Anderson Cooper

YUM. Textbook definition of silver fox.

© Democracy Diva, 2011

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