Welcome back, darlings.
KATE MOSS in John Galliano
Feel free to disagree, but here’s how I feel about Kate Moss donning Galliano on her wedding day: I don’t support John Galliano, the person, because of his anti-Semitic and otherwise offensive drunk tirade, for which he is currently on trial. I also don’t support Kate Moss, the person, both for supporting John Galliano post-scandal and for always looking disturbingly coked-out, even for a supermodel (and even on her wedding day). But let’s not forget the Dior label rightfully fired Galliano almost immediately after his scandal, as did the John Galliano label – and you can imagine what a difficult decision it is to fire the namesake and founder of your label, even under these circumstances. It was the right decision, but not an easy one. And so although I am disgusted by Galliano, the person, that disgust does not translate to Galliano, the label. This is a long way of saying that I will continue to judge Dior and Galliano fashion the way I would any other label – with a healthy dose of bitching and a minimal consideration of politics.
So, all scandals aside, let’s talk about the dress, which is mostly exquisite. It’s a shade tight – do I need to see every bone in Kate’s body, and her nipples, through her wedding dress? – but otherwise, it has this ethereal, dramatic quality that works well for her. Long veils and trains are not my taste, but they make her look more flower-child and less royal princess, which I like. I think the sheerness of the top of the dress is perfect, and I like that she went for more of an ivory than a white. And the flower girl with the wreath in her hair is just the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.
KERRY WASHINGTON in a Michael Kors dress and Christian Louboutin shoes
I have a soft spot for Ms. Washington, since we share an alma mater and she’s the rare celebrity who enjoys taking risks with her wardrobe. I can’t get enough of this dress on her. I think the color is just incredible – sort of a lime, electric yellow-green – and the metal belt and neck piece keep this modern and fresh. I love the peek-a-boo keyhole, which shows some skin without feeling vulgar. The shoes, watch, and ring are all simple and beautiful accessories, and the black nails work well here. Brava, Kerry!
ANNA WINTOUR in Prada
Vogue‘s editor-in-chief makes a statement in her striped Prada dress, and that statement is “I AM BETTER THAN YOU. STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY.” I love the dramatic collar, the length of the sleeves, and the surprising mix of colors.
KATE MIDDLETON in Erdem
This certainly meets the princess’s usual standards of looking 100% perfect.
KATIE HOLMES in a Contrarian New York dress and Lanvin shoes
This is probably the best Katie Holmes has looked in years. She usually leans toward the drab and boring, but the cut of this dress is very chic and flattering. The cut-outs on the side take a cute but otherwise ordinary dress and gives it a sexy, modern flair. The shoes were an interesting choice – I love a good T-strap, especially in that camel-tan color, and I applaud Katie for stepping a bit outside the box.
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY in Antonio Berardi
This bitch is taking to the red carpet in Oscar-worthy gowns every other day, so we’re going to be tough on her, because she can take it. Although we’re over nude shoes, we tend to let them slide, as they’re super-trendy and hard for starlets to resist. But even the biggest trends don’t work with everything, and the satin nude pump with the shiny red gown was a clear mistake. Also, the general shininess of this dress comes off VERY cheap-looking (isn’t there something so disturbingly American Apparel about it?). The lines in the bodice are interesting, but not flattering, so the result is that she just looks like a red carpet wannabe, and not the real deal.
HILARY SWANK in Elie Saab
JULIE BOWEN in Naeem Khan
The Modern Family mama looks pretty chic, if a little on the dull side. The dress is simple and lovely – white is really her color, and I like the way it hangs on her – but she should have gone way more daring with the accessories, rather than donning nude shoes and an ivory-pink clutch. However, I do love the tousled hair, which keeps the overall look a little more youthful. And can we just talk about those guns? Who knew Claire Dunphy could give Michelle Obama a run for her money when it comes to America’s most enviable arms?
KATE MIDDLETON in a Riess dress and a Sylvia Fletcher hat
The hat we love. Close-up, you can see it’s got a maple leaf thing happening, because she wore it in Canada on Canada Day, which is actually very sweet. But to pair it with a white dress, a red purse, and red shoes is a bit much, even for a princess. I understand that women in certain positions – royalty, First Ladies, etc. – have to dress a little matchy-matchier than a lot of other famous women. But there’s looking appropriately and demurely put together, and there’s looking downright silly, and Kate is leaning towards the latter with this look.
DIANE KRUGER in Vionnet
Love the dress, love the shoes, love the purse, but hate all of them together. And although I support the fact that black pantyhose is making a comeback, I do not support it with these shoes. Black hose and strappy sandals? Sorry, Diane, even you are not beautiful enough to make that work.
EVA MENDES in Salvatore Ferragamo
Unlike Kate Middleton, Eva Mendes has no social requirements to dress in a matchy-matchy, occasionally stuffy-and-old-fashioned sort of way. So we’re going to be ruthless and tell her that she looks like a complete fucking idiot with her eight thousand shiny-nude-and-white accessories and her tacky shiny-nude-and-white dress. The nude of that dress is our least favorite kind – the kind that matches the woman’s skin tone exactly – and the contrast against the white comes off very resort, and not in a good way. I get that she’s attending a resort fashion show, but I don’t think that’s an excuse for wearing something that only looks appropriate on a boat off the Nantucket coast.
To make matters worse, she adds the nude shoes – a slightly lighter nude than the dress, which is kind of infuriating – and the nude purse, the same shade as the shoes, which makes her look like a Barbie. Add the gold bracelet (tacky), the white bracelet and ring (even tackier), and those giant white earrings, and she looks like a little girl who got a hold of her WASPy grandmother’s jewelry box.
ASHLEY GREENE in Salvatore Ferragamo
I like the purse, belt, and shoes, just because they’re all pretty interesting choices, but they don’t save the fact that this dress hangs on her like a paper bag. It makes her look twice her actual size, and those shoulder embellishments are just ugly.
EMMA ROBERTS in Salvatore Ferragamo
I think those shoes are beyond ugly – the different-color tips make her look like she’s wearing very saggy pantyhose with peep-toe pumps. And no matter what she wears, she somehow always manages to look like she’s wearing something that a Project Runway contestant created in a day and a half. That’s a really strange quality to bring to clothes – making them look a little cheaper and a little more poorly constructed than they actually are. And if this girl hired a FUCKING COLORIST FOR THOSE ROOTS, WHICH I’VE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT FOR MONTHS, and a makeup artist with even the faintest idea of how to make women look beautiful, she might actually be one of the hottest starlets on the red carpet. Alas, until then, we are stuck with Emma Roberts.
HEIDI KLUM in a Monique Lhuillier dress and Jimmy Choo shoes
I can’t quite put my finger on what I hate about this look. The dress is very ordinary – it looks like a more demure version of everything in Heidi’s closet. The sparkly bangles are really distracting, next to such a busy fabric, and the sparkly blue shoes were a laughable mistake. Unless you’re wearing them at a New Year’s party, sparkly navy-gray heels basically have no place in the life of any modern woman. The severity of her hair feels harsh and cold, like the rest of this overly glittery ensemble.
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY in custom Burberry
Definitely my least-favorite thing Rosie has worn since I learned of her existence approximately a month ago. And while that doesn’t sound like a lot of time, Transformers has seemingly had a premiere in every major city on planet earth, and Rosie has been on each red carpet in increasingly dramatic gowns. So I have no qualms in saying that this is a disgrace. This is the worst fit I’ve seen on the red carpet in ages – and it’s CUSTOM-MADE for her! How can a custom-made gown not fit you like a dream? The way the fabric sags and wrinkles beneath her breasts is horribly unflattering – the whole upper half resembles an ill-fitting swimsuit more than a red carpet gown. The bottom is just as bad, with that awful seam that seems to point straight at her cooter, and far too much puckering, wrinkling fabric thrown all over her legs. She looks like she has one arm and no feet, and the hair and makeup emphasize only her severity, and none of her softness.
PENELOPE CRUZ in Roksanda Ilincic
Try harder. You’re one of the most beautiful women in the world, but that does not mean you’re allowed to step onto a red carpet in an orange bath towel, with sex hair that hasn’t been washed in days and no makeup. Show some respect.
She does a really good job of hiding her penis in such a tight dress, doesn’t she?