Who’s ready to hit the red carpet?
BEYONCE // tunic and blazer by Roberto Cavalli
Oh, B. Consider pants. And I’m not saying this just because you’re pregnant – I believe that no starlet, with or without child, should hit red carpet events in a sparkly t-shirt and no pants. Even if the tuxedo jacket covering up that mess is sort of awesome, and would have looked killer with some black skinny jeans.
Perfect maternity style – she looks beautiful and comfortable. The color does all the work, so the dress’s simplicity is a a good thing, and the fabulous earrings and bracelets set it off nicely.
ZOE SALDANA // dress by Giambattista Valli, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Brian Atwood
The crookedness of that plunging V-neck is absolutely killing me, but otherwise, this is a cute dress. The print is a little wimpy, but the shoes help make it pop. The white purse keeps the look clean and modern.
LEA MICHELE // dress and shoes by Michael Kors
J’ador her in this dress. Lea darling, wear as much fuchsia as you damn well please, because it’s your color, girl. However, the silver shoes are kind of 90s, and the nude purse is just fug. I know you can accessorize better than this, honey! P.S. Hair and makeup are perfect. Keep it up.
JULIE BOWEN // dress by Michael Kors
Still buzzing off her Emmy win and this week’s Modern Family premiere, Mama Dunphy worked the shit out of this red Michael Kors dress. The color is perfect on her, as is the fit, and the all-gold accessories are incredibly sharp. We’re still in the year of the cuff, because everyone wants to feel like Wonder Woman on the red carpet, so I dig her choice of bracelet. Hair is a teensy bit lazy, but everything else is so meticulous that it probably doesn’t matter.
ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO // gown by Valentino
Beautiful woman in a beautiful dress. No complaints here!
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY // gown by Burberry, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Don’t do a low-hanging necklace with a plunging V-neck gown. It’s already very obvious what part of the body you’re highlighting from the V-neck; adding a low-hanging necklace is like adding a giant arrow that says, LOOK RIGHT UNDER AND IN BETWEEN MY BOOBS, PLEASE! The sleeves on this gown don’t look fantastic, and that shoe looks too dominatrix for a white gown. The hair and makeup would be fine for the Oscars, but she has a tendency to pull out a head-to-toe black-tie look for a normal industry event. Don’t overdress, Rosie – it makes you look desperate.
SIENNA MILLER // gown by Christian Dior
A fabulous gown, worthy of a less strung-out looking woman to wear it. Seriously, what’s with the makeup? I wasn’t aware it was 1994 again. Also, God knows this woman is better looking that I’d ever dream of being, but she does not really have the tits for this dress. They look a little sad.
ELLE FANNING // dress by Madewell
I HATE those flat platforms (“flatforms,” but I can’t use that word with a straight face/without ironic quotation marks). They’re becoming a thing, and I won’t stand for it, because they make women look like they’re wearing skis instead of shoes. Cute dress, though.
TAYLOR SWIFT // dress by Elie Saab
Pretty; boring. Taylor in a nutshell.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // dress by Vivienne Westwood, shoes by Jimmy Choo
This dress is just a little too over-designed for me: it’s printed, it’s metallic, it’s wrinkled, there’s a bow, one boob appears to have grown a horn – I can’t take in all the details. The shoes would be better if the dress wasn’t gold, and her hair is so beautiful she should rarely put it up. However, her tits look so amazing that I can’t really judge.
KRISTEN STEWART // dress and shoes by Mulberry
I actually hate every single thing about this, from her tacky thumb ring to the cheap-looking belt to her just-out-of-the-shower hair (how DARE you?) to her ankle booties (rarely, if ever, do they look good with a little spring or summer dress).
ROSE BYRNE // dress by Christine Alcay, shoes by Aldo
The hair and makeup are comical in a “I demand to be taken seriously!” sort of way. It’s funny, because she clearly put an incredible amount of effort into matching her lipstick to her dress and straightening every strand of her hair. But she managed to leave the house without realizing she had three different dresses on.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING THOSE PANTS? Who, who on God’s good earth actually thinks these are a good idea?
CAT DEELEY // gown by Roland Mouret
I don’t love the print on the dress, or the sad black sash, but that green color is interesting. Not a fan of the purse, or the shoes, or the bottom-lid eyeliner, or the hair. But the shape and color of the dress are working.
ALEXA CHUNG // dress, jacket and shoes by Madewell
Cute jacket; I’d wear it. The dress isn’t my style, but weird prints like that are making a huuuge comeback this season, so I get it. But those shoes? No. You look like Snooki.
LEIGHTON MEESTER // dress by Marios Schwab, shoes by Burberry Prorsum
I’ve never had to hate on so many different pairs of shoes in one post before! Seriously, starlets, take a look at your feet and make sure you didn’t steal a prop from Cher’s “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves” video.
CATE BLANCHETT // dress by Louis Vuitton
Cate – no. A woman your age can’t wear hot pink lipstick, matching blush, and that ungodly amount of eyeliner – with that terribly fake-looking peroxide blonde bob. Her white skin and yellow-white hair are so severe against the black dress, purse, and shoes. It’s just not working at all.
HAILEE STEINFELD // top and shorts by Carven, shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood
Love the shoes! And I feel like everyone from Cameron Diaz to Johnny Weir is rocking black sparkly shorts lately, so go for it, Hailee. They don’t quite go with the nun collar, but the juxtaposition of those styles keeps any aesthetic from becoming over-the-top. Love the mostly natural hair and makeup on a girl her age – it’s refreshing.
She looks like someone took a bedazzler to a black toilet brush.
BAD STARLET! We do NOT combine super-cleavage with upper-thigh-baring skirts! We do NOT combine wet, blood-red lips with skintight leopard print! We do NOT use Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman as a style icon! When will they learn, dear readers? When will they learn?