Embrace Monday with a healthy amount of judgment and your daily recommended intake of fabulous.
LADY GAGA in London // coat by Michael Kors, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Gaga is living proof that you can wear two of the trendiest, most popular red carpet designers (Michael Kors and Christian Louboutin) and still look subversive and anti-establishment, as long as you forgo pants. But seriously, that fur coat is delicious, and perfect with the fishnets and crazy-fab ankle-strap platforms. Love the earrings and the John Lennon glasses too.
I don’t know if my vocabulary even contains the right words to describe this outfit. It’s a prisoner-orange suit with a sleeveless crop top and super-wide-leg, extra-long pants, plus earrings so large they look like a collar, 21st century Willy Wonka sunglasses, and a parasol with a mermaid on it. How am I even supposed to react to that?
AMANDA SEYFRIED at a Madrid press event for In Time // dress by Michael Angel, shoes by Lanvin
Probably my favorite minimalist red carpet look in a very long time. You all know I hate the crime of under-accessorizing, and feel that most outfits are deserving of a lot of styling love. But Amanda is smart enough to know that if you wear an abstract print in beautiful, brilliant colors, it’s best to pare down the styling, lest it distract from your awesome dress. Well, brava, darling. The dress is stupendous on you, even with plain black pumps and minimal jewelry. The hair and natural-looking makeup are perfect too.
AMANDA SEYFRIED in Paris // dress by Marios Schwab
Cute, but here the bare styling doesn’t work at all. The dress is adorable, but a mostly-black dress in a simple silhouette cries out for more accessories.
NAOMI WATTS at a premiere of J. Edgar // gown by Stella McCartney
This loose-fitting, drop-waisted modern flapper gown would probably look atrocious on anyone else, but Naomi is killing it. I’ve never really considered her style worth noticing, but I like what she’s doing here (except for the shoes.)
AMBER HEARD at the London premiere of The Rum Diary // gown by Alessandra Rich, shoes by Christian Louboutin
No, Amber. Obey the following rules, or invoke the wrath of the Diva:
1. If I can see the individual bones in your shoulders, your dress is too tight.
2. Your dress should leave enough room so that your feet can actually, you know. Walk. Like feet do.
3. If you can’t move in your dress without wrinkling it to shit, don’t wear t.
4. Nude patent leather pumps, especially peep-toes, are so over, it’s almost hilarious. And even when they were trendy, they NEVER worked with ivory-nude shimmery gowns.
KERRY WASHINGTON at a charity gala in New York City // dress by Donna Karan, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I don’t love the hair, and the shoes are a bit dingy-looking, but I’ve loved this dress for a long time. I’m glad to see it on someone as fierce as Ms. Washington, who brings an elegance and sophistication to this dress that keeps it from looking bridal.
SELENA GOMEZ at the European Music Awards // dress by Marchesa, shoes by Casadei
Bear with me while I explain why I hate this as passionately as I do.
I’ve seen more starlets in Marchesa’s ice-dancer-costume dresses than I can even comprehend. Marchesa seems to have built an empire out of sheer netting and folded napkins and white tulle. Different incarnations of this same kind of dress have been worn to death: in October by Michelle Monaghan; in May by Rachel McAdams; in April by Blake Lively; last November by Rihanna; even at the 2009 Emmys by Olivia Wilde. So forgive me, but when I see that classically Marchesa netting, white tulle, and that ice dancer embroidery, I can’t help but throw up in my mouth. Things certainly aren’t helped by the hair – note to starlets, a formal side pony is NOT a thing – nor the accessories, which seem like they were chosen at random.
LEA MICHELE at a Christian Louboutin book launch // dress by Versus, purse by Kotur, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Little white dresses are all the rage, but this is one helluva boring one. With the universe of LWDs at your disposal, why would this be the one you choose? And those shoes look absolutely comical on Lea. They’re the size of her entire torso, her feet are pointed directly down like a Barbie doll’s feet, she looks like she might snap an ankle in half, and oh yeah, they’re ugly as hell.
MICHELLE WILLIAMS at a screening of My Week With Marilyn // dress by Oscar de la Renta, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Adorable, but needs a necklace.
JENNIFER HUDSON in Tokyo // gown by Michael Kors
Holy HELL, J.Hud. That body is out of control, and that dress is basically perfect for it. But a bigger bracelet wouldn’t kill you.
JENNIFER HUDSON in Tokyo // dress by Michael Kors
Too tacky for my taste. Aren’t we over animal print by now – at least in such large quantities?
MARY-KATE OLSEN at a Christian Louboutin party in New York City // purse and shoes by Christian Louboutin
First of all, unless it’s Halloween or you’re a pop star desperately seeking attention, don’t wear more than one animal print accessory. It’s one thing to have a pop of leopard print in your wardrobe as a little visual surprise – two leopard print accessories isn’t a pop or a surprise. You’re just carrying around half a dead animal at this point.
KIRSTEN DUNST on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon // dress by Miu Miu
YUM. Dorothy goes 21st century. I love.
KIRSTEN DUNST at Good Morning America // dress by Chloe, purse by Chanel
I’m sorry in advance, Kirsten, but I’m breaking into your house and stealing that coat.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER at a luncheon in Melbourne, Australia // dress by Chanel, hat by Philip Treacy, shoes by Manolo Blahnik
You don’t look British or high fashion or avant garde. You just look like an asshole in a huge fucking hat.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER in Melbourne, Australia // dress by Jonathan Saunders, coat by Antonio Berardi, shoes by Manolo Blahnik
The fascinator is smaller, but the hair is correspondingly bigger, and that’s a problem, since she looks like she’s got a few squirrels stapled to her head. The dress is too girly and childish, which I guess she attempted to offset with that silver coat, but it did more harm than good. It’s more like a lab coat than a fashionable coat, and in silver, she just looks like a futuristic scientist in a baby dress and white shoes after Labor Day.
KATIE HOLMES at the Los Angeles premiere of Jack and Jill // dress by Holmes & Yang, shoes by Lanvin
I’m not sure I’ve ever said this about anything designed by or worn by Katie Holmes, but this is kind of cute. Of course, those shoes should burn in a fire, and the shape and fit of those sleeves is kind of wonky and awkward. But she looks like she actually intended to be seen in public, which is more than I can say for most of her red carpet appearances.
KRISTEN STEWART on the Tonight Show // dress by Monique Lhuillier, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Wash, brush, and cut your hair. Learn that smoky eyeshadow is not the only form of makeup. And for God’s sake, accessorize!
KATY PERRY at the European Music Awards // dress and shoes by Jeremy Scott
Oh, Katy. I understand that you are a pop star, and that such a designation legally requires you to dress like an asshole (see also Nicki Minaj, Rihanna, Lady Gaga on her worse days). But for a year or so, you had really matured as a style icon, and stopped choosing outfits that looked the wildest in favor of outfits that looked the best on you. Sadly, you have regressed into some terrifying modern incarnation of one of the Pink Ladies from Grease. The hair and makeup are so disturbing that I can barely look at this picture without flinching. The dress is atrocious, the shoes are beyond stupid, the socks make me want to hit her really hard in the face, and the whole effect is just a fucking disaster. Katy, I know you’re of the “all press is good press” mentality, but please, for the love of my eyeballs, stop this madness immediately.