Behold: the fascinator, complete with white rose and black feathers and bows; the black fingerless gloves with her signature claws poking out; the custom Chanel gown, in all its glory; the shoes (they defy description); the purse, which is adorable and itsy-bitsy next to that GIANT dress. I love the dozens of necklaces and bracelets, especially the pearls. And, who’s that all the way on the left (Gaga’s right)? Methinks it’s Lord Ginger!
LADY GAGA in Manchester
I mean, I fucking love this. Everything about it.
LADY GAGA // dress by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Norikaka Tatehana
This whole diaper under a sheer dress thing has never been my aesthetic, and Gaga needs to learn when to deploy those massive shoes and when they’re just kind of busy and distracting. Also, I don’t love those gloves.
LADY GAGA in New York City // dress by Stephane Rolland
Careful, Gaga – I think I can see your disco stick.
DITA VON TEESE in London
The coat is magnificent and the sunglasses are adorable. I want.
MICHELLE WILLIAMS // dress by Valentino
Leather isn’t fantastic on her. Something about it just doesn’t work for me.
SIENNA MILLER in Paris // dress by Emilio Pucci, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Ugh, shut UP. I don’t even know why people still bother to photograph her. This is a fucking mess.
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY in Paris // dress by Marks & Spencer, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Sometimes I think she’s stunning, and sometimes I think she kind of looks like a caveman in a dress. I think this might be the latter.
TAYLOR SWIFT in New York City // sweater by Ralph Lauren, purse by Fendi
That waist is terribly unflattering on her, but the lipstick is worse. For a second I was proud to see a stamp from a bar on her hand, until I realized it’s probably a temporary tattoo of a virgin unicorn sitting on a rainbow, or whatever the fuck she sings about.
BLAKE LIVELY in New York City // suit by Elie Saab
Blake Lively would once again like to remind you that BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS. The color is slightly tacky and I don’t love the shoes, but if she actually wore a shirt, I wouldn’t hate it.
JESSICA ALBA in Beverly Hills // dress by Carolina Herrera, shoes by Barbara Bui
I’m no fan of Jessica, but this dress is fantastic. It’s a little girly and youthful and precious for her, but the accessories help keep it a little more mature and chic. The belt is adorable.
CHLOË MORETZ at the New York premiere of Hugo // dress by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Sergio Rossi
Aw, sweetie. That severe center part is not your friend, and neither is this dress. The color is identical to her skin, and that high waist makes her torso look disproportionately short and her hips deceivingly wide. The little bows on the bodice are ridiculous, and those shoes are just ugly.
ELLE FANNING in New York City
These tweens are killing me, but it’s sort of endearing to see them pick dresses that normal young girls would pick, even if they’re fugly. She looks adorable, but in like three weeks she’ll be too old for that dress.
ELLE FANNING in Beverly Hills // sweater and pants by Miu Miu
Love the sweater, love the natural hair and makeup. But is it just me, or are her feet enormous?
HAILEE STEINFELD in Los Angeles
Unless you’re playing Rapunzel, there’s really no reason to keep your hair that long, dear. Also: five different shades of navy/black? No.
SALMA HAYEK at the Sydney premiere of Puss in Boots // dress by Bottega Veneta, shoes by Yves Saint Laurent
I can’t imagine how much she’s getting paid to go to all eight thousand premieres for this ridiculous movie all over the globe, but she never seems to get the outfit quite right. She comes closest here – cute shoes, interesting dress, flattering (if weird) corset thing. But that pussy bow (I’m not being inappropriate, that’s actually what it’s called) is pathetic and her lackluster hair is worse.
SALMA HAYEK at the Berlin premiere of Puss in Boots // jacket and skirt by Azzedine Alaïa, shoes by Yves Saint Laurent
Dear Hollywood: If you wear black stockings with black shoes, you will look like you don’t have feet. Sincerely, Democracy Diva.
P.S. Cute skirt, but we need to have a conversation about the hair.
SALMA HAYEK at the Madrid premiere of Puss in Boots // dress by Bottega Veneta, shoes by Gucci
HAIR, HONEY. You make too much money for ponytails and buns. And those shoes are tacky.
SALMA HAYEK at the London premiere of Puss in Boots // suit by Yves Saint Laurent, purse by Alexander McQueen
Sometimes I think she is actively trying to piss me off. I will not let you win, Salma. But that hat. I want it to burn in a fire.
JUSTIN BIEBER in New York City // jacket by Junya Watanabe
It doesn’t matter if you combine it with a varsity jacket, Justin – a cardigan you stole from Mister Rogers’ Christmas wardrobe will not make you look like a man.