KATE WINSLET at the London premiere of Titanic 3D // gown by Jenny Packham
I received a text message from my best, gayest friend the other night, asking whether I thought Kate Winslet’s nipples would be 3-D in the new Titanic film. This has little to nothing to do with this gown, but I thought it was a good talking point. And let’s be honest – what else are we paying to see? Icebergs? Nuh-uh.
Anywho, the dress. Yes, she looks lovely, but I can’t be the only one who is exhausted with Kate’s devotion to the same gown over and over again. Darling, we all love Jenny Packham gowns with little embellishments, and those skinny Stella McCartney dresses, and anything minimalist and structured by Victoria Beckham, but you’ve got to branch out just a tad, darling.
LILY COLLINS in New York City // gown by Peter Som
Go and GET it, Snow White! You might remember Lea Michele wearing a mega-high-slitted version of this gown in blue, but I prefer the stripes, the colors, and most of all, the lack of upper thigh exposure on little Lily. Also, this bitch has eyebrows to rival Downton Abbey‘s Lady Mary. (And that’s saying something – Lady Mary’s eyebrows have their own twitter account!) Love the soft, wavy hair and the minimalist makeup. So fresh-faced and fabulous.
LILY COLLINS in New York City // dress by Collette Dinnigan, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Eh. A little immature. Lily can work the shit out of a look that a young 20-something would wear, but the more teenage she gets, the less impressed I am.
DAKOTA FANNING in New York City // dress by Halston, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo, shoes by Manolo Blahnik
I hate these washed-out colors, but the Fannings are practically married to ivory and nude, so what can I do? The dress itself is actually stunning – it’s vintage Halston, which means my disco-queen mom would LOVE it. The hair and makeup are terrific, and the purse is awesome, but the shoes don’t impress me.
JENNIFER LOPEZ in Brazil // dress by Michael Kors, shoes by Casadei
Someone’s had some terrifying work done recently. J.Lo, darling, I know you’ve been through a rough time this year, but there’s no need to resort to calling Latoya Jackson’s plastic surgeon. And the divalicious neon colors are great, but more than one at a time is a bit much to stomach. And sweetheart, there’s no shame in going up a dress size so that you’re actually able to breathe.
ROSE MCGOWAN in Los Angeles // dress by Valentino
I am all kinds of in love with this dress, though it’s not a terrific fit on Rose. This is one of those “I don’t like the dress on her, but I want to rip it off her back and throw it in my closet” kind of moments.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE in Madrid // dress by Victoria, Victoria Beckham, shoes by Brian Atwood
BAD KATNISS! Who was in charge of making your bangs resemble human hair instead of dog hair? What drag queen thought your face could handle that much eye makeup? And what intern is cowering, crying in the corner, because you fired her for letting you out of the house in this wrinkled mess of a dress?
RIHANNA in London // jacket by Stella McCartney, sunglasses by Chloë Sevigny for Opening Ceremony
I think this jacket is astoundingly beautiful. I also think it was meant to be worn with things that are foreign to Rihanna, like “pants” and “shirts” and “elegance.”
RIHANNA in London // dress by Alexander Wang, shoes by Christian Louboutin
It could be a cute dress if it didn’t point arrows directly at her uterus. It’s too weird, and I can’t get over how viciously disgusting her hair is. Oh, and Rihanna? Your breasts might be fake, but make no mistake about it: you still need to wear a bra.
RIHANNA in London // blouse and pants by Stella McCartney
This will not be the last time Rihanna leaves the house in pajamas this week. But I actually think these are kind of terrific, especially with the sunglasses and shoes.
BEYONCE in New York City // top by Michael Kors, skirt by Etro, purse by Alexander Wang
Beyonce: The hat. The sunglasses. The earrings. EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
OLIVIA WILDE in London // gown by Carolina Herrera, purse by Jimmy Choo
The dress is wearing her, and it’s not a particularly pretty dress at that. And the giant platform shoe is beyond ridiculous.
CHLOË MORETZ in New York City // gown and shoes by Yves Saint Laurent
A message to the world:
STOP. WEARING. CHOKERS.
JANUARY JONES in New York City // gown by Yves Saint Laurent
The dress is depressingly matronly, and the hair is way worse. I don’t understand how J.Jones and Christina Hendricks can be the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen on television, and never manage to impress me in real life.
EMMY ROSSUM in New York City // gown and purse by Yves Saint Laurent
WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT CHOKERS?
AMBER HEARD in New York City // gown by Yves Saint Laurent
Hideous. The cut and fit has no relation to her actual body whatsoever. It’s too long, it’s too loose in the tummy and too tight everywhere else, and the hair is appalling. And it only gets worse:
Go home. Stop subjecting us to your crimes against fashion.
EMMA ROBERTS in New York City // dress by Juicy Couture, purse by Edie Parker
Cute! But without the Julia Roberts smile, it’s hard to remember who she is. Actually, it’s kind of hard to remember who she is either way.
EMMA ROBERTS in New York City // jumpsuit, purse, and shoes by Yves Saint Laurent
Aren’t we done with jumpsuits yet? Hasn’t that train left the station like eight thousand times? And that Christmas bow on your tummy is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.
JAIME KING in Los Angeles // top and shorts by Prabal Gurung
Oh, fantastic. Katy Perry’s dye-your-hair-to-match-your-outfit trend is finally catching on. I’d rather gouge my eyes out than see these shenanigans continue. Oh, and Jaime? You are SO not stylish enough to pull this off. Leave it to Zoe Saldana.
CHLOË SEVIGNY in New York City // top and skirt by Proenza Schouler
I have sat here staring at this picture for five minutes without writing a word. I have thrown my hands up in exasperation several times, and rolled my eyes several more. There are no words to match this level of crazy, so I will let Ms. Sevigny’s hideousness speak for itself.
But I’d like to add that Alexa Chung called, and she wants her disgusting mental patient haircut back.