In case you live under a rock that doesn’t have wifi, the always-trashtastic MTV VMAs happened this weekend. And it was about as much of a hot disaster as you could possibly imagine.

MILEY CYRUS
top and pants by Dolce & Gabbana, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

Miley started off the night full of promise – vintage Dolce & Gabbana, a bejeweled garter belt, and an altogether surprising and sexy look. Yes, the Scary Spice-meets-1990s Gwen Stefani hair is ridiculous, but so are the VMAs. So I think the look totally worked. That is, until the audience was subjected to a nonsensical, under-choreographed, under-rehearsed shitshow where Miley used black women as props while surrounded by a truly disturbing number of teddy bears. And she did the impossible – she managed to make me hate Robin Thicke more than I already did. My friend/devoted reader Michelle captured my feelings on the subject when she wrote on my facebook wall: “MILEY. WHY? We were so supportive of you. Why did she do this? TO US?! When we DEFENDED her. I feel so betrayed.” We were on your team, Miley, but no longer.

COCO ROCHA
jacket by Fausto Puglisi

Love the jacket, the hair, and the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. More starlets should be opting for pants and supremely funky jackets at the VMAs – it would make this red carpet infinitely more bearable.

LADY GAGA
gown by Prabal Gurung

Lady Gaga managed to surprise me by not surprising me, if that makes any sense at all. This is downright conservative compared to her usual shtick, which made me love it even more. The custom Prabal Gurung gown really looks like it was made for her, and I love the sheer patterned train and the weird bow and the mix of black fabrics. I wish she’d switched up the shoes and sunglasses that she’s been wearing all week, but it was still a good look, at least compared to the rest of the attendees.

ERIN WASSON
dress by Alexandre Vauthier

Fuck it. She’s a model, and it’s the VMAs. Under what other circumstances could this dress ever be worn? And compared to what we saw on stage, this is a freaking nun’s outfit. I think it’s sexy and modern and perfectly styled. The rouching is insanely perfect, especially in the back:

Damn near killing it.

SELENA GOMEZ
gown and shoes by Atelier Versace

The gown itself is awesome. The crazy bodice and sexy slit make it look a little less formal – more VMAs and less Academy Awards. But the styling needs some work – I don’t love the color of her shoes, nails, lips, or earrings with this dress. And the stick-straight side-parted hair is getting a little bit tired.

MACKLEMORE and RYAN LEWIS
Macklemore’s suit by Logan Neitzel

Phenomenal suit, Macklemore. Ryan Lewis, your jacket is cute, but you could have tried a little harder.

JOAN SMALLS

dress by Viktor & Rolf, boots by Casadei

Those are some mother-fucking BOOTS. At least all the supermodels recognized that this is the event to pull out the shit they can’t get away with anywhere else, at least outside of runways and photo shoots. The dress is kind of awkward, but sort of in a cute way. I’m split on it.

DARREN CRISS
suit and pocket square by Versace, shoes by Christian Louboutin

A touch too formal for the event, but that is one breathtaking suit.

KATY PERRY
dress by Emanuel Ungaro, shoes by Céline

I might have liked this if I hadn’t already seen it on Coco Rocha at the Met Gala. Even in the dress version instead of the gown, Katy’s way too short for this. And the embellishments make her arms look weirdly bulbous in strange places.

JENNIFER HUDSON
top and skirt by Christian Dior

I like the Dior top and skirt, but they’re a little prim and proper for the VMAs. And even though the jewelry is the only thing making this look even remotely-event appropriate, there’s way, way too much of it.

SHAILENE WOODLEY
top and skirt by Emilio Pucci, shoes by Casadei

The skirt is flawless, and so goddamn perfect for the VMAs I almost can’t stand it. But Shailene needed a little more in the way of styling – crazy jewelry or more interesting shoes, maybe – to take her look to the next level.

ALLISON WILLIAMS
dress by Valentino, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Easily the best Allison Williams has ever looked on the red carpet, but I wish she were at a movie premiere instead of the VMAs, where this just feels unreasonably prim.

ELLIE GOULDING
gown by Amata Couture, shoes by Brian Atwood

The hair is too big, the dress is too much, and the shoes are too awful.

NAYA RIVERA
gown by Paco Rabanne

Way overdressed for the event.

HOLLAND RODEN
top, skirt, and pants by Naeem Khan, shoes by Rupert Sanderson

Listen, I respect a lady who takes a risk, but an exquisite 1920s-looking top with a pleated skirt AND pants underneath is a risk you take at the Met Gala, not the VMAs.

ARIANA GRANDE
dress by Kenley Collins

Ariana’s dress was designed by Kenley Collins from Project Runway (you know, the vintage-loving one with the annoying voice). She was rightfully called out for being a copycat designer when she was on the show, and she clearly hasn’t changed –  this was such a knock-off of Carolina Herrera’s pre-fall 2013 collection that some fashion bloggers couldn’t tell the difference. And anyway, why is everyone bringing the frills and flowers to the VMAs? Didn’t they hear MTV say approximately eleven millions times that it’s in Brooklyn now, and that’s supposed to mean something?

CIARA
gown by Givenchy

Maybe I’d be more impressed if we hadn’t already seen every incarnation of this gown on the red carpet, most memorably on Beyonce in black and purple. But you only wear a gown like this to get a reaction, and you can’t get that same reaction when the embellished illusion netting and feathers thing has been done to death.

SARAH HYLAND
dress and purse by Marchesa, shoes by Casadei

This dress makes no sense to me, and the accessories are even worse. This isn’t even fun, VMAs bad, this is just unpleasant to look at.

RITA ORA
gown by Alexandre Vauthier, shoes by Christian Louboutin

It’s way, WAY too much dress, for Rita Ora and for the VMAs. It didn’t remotely fit her, and even though half the starlets on this red carpet were practically nude, it was covered-up Rita who seemed the most desperate for attention. Rita, darling, we all wish we were Beyone, but you don’t see us hiring feather train handlers for the red carpet. Calm it down a bit, okay?

TAYLOR SWIFT
gown by Hervé Léger by Max Azria, shoes by Prada

Taylor thought this was the Oscars. Don’t get me wrong; if it were, I would fucking love this look, which manages to be beautiful and expensive-looking in spite of it having the signature Hervé Léger ace bandage effect that tends to make every dress look cheaper. But wearing something like this to the VMAs just makes you look like you’ve got a stick up your ass.

CRYSTAL REED
gown by Zac Posen, purse by Valentino, shoes by Oscar Tiye

Crystal also accidentally thought this was the Oscars, and she didn’t even dress well for that. Red, strapless, peplum, slight mermaid shape – this is as standard red carpet as you can get, except it has weird wrinkles on the boobs and too many ruffles happening. And the purse is so unreasonably large, she might actually have one or two scrawny members of One Direction stuffed in there.

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© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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