Fashion’s biggest stars bared it all at the annual Council of Fashion Designers of America Awards. (Seriously. We’ll be getting a bit NSFW up in here, if the above image didn’t already give that away.)

RIHANNA
gown, headscarf, and gloves by Adam Selman

How could we start anywhere but with the two biggest stars of the night – ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Rihanna’s Right Nipple and Rihanna’s Left Nipple! I think People Mag mag have photoshopped the celebrities out a bit, because there’s a phenomenal gif with Vogue editor-in-chief and all-around fashion bitch ice queen Anna Wintour shows quite a bit more, but I’ll get to that in a moment.

First, let’s hear it for a gown as political as it is scandalous. A few weeks ago, Rihanna deleted her Instagram account (bear with me, I hate that this is news too, but it has a point, I swear)  after it briefly banned her for showing her nipples. Then last week Scout Willis (as in daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis – again, bear with me) protested Instagram’s policy prohibiting photos of women’s nipples by walking topless through New York City. This lack-of-a-dress is the cherry on top of that completely ridiculous cake. Above all else, fashion should make a statement, and this statement is #FREETHENIPPLE. I don’t even like Rihanna, but I’m on board. Now, let’s dissect this gif:

First: the headscarf is magnificent. This is Britney in the “Toxic” video meets vintage Liz Taylor, and that is a sentence no one has ever said in the history of the universe. Second: she is, in fact, wearing nude underwear, in case you thought she was actually nude under there. Third: if I were making a big nipple statement, I wouldn’t have also gone nearly-bottomless, but then again, I’m not Rihanna:

Blam. Love it or hate it, bitches, it’s there.

OLIVIA WILDE
gown by Mollie Parnis, purse and shoes by Stuart Weitzman

And now for something completely different: gorgeous new mom Olivia Wilde, a month after giving birth, wearing a vintage gown that Anjelica Huston wore to the 1974 Cannes Film Festival. WHAT A DIVA MOVE, OLIVIA, AND I FUCKING LOVE IT. As good today as it was forty years ago, and it’s styled to perfection.

LUPITA NYONG’O
top and pants by Suno, shoes by Sophia Webster

I won’t pretend I love it, but it’s interesting and surprising – or it would have been, if anyone had been able to talk about anything besides Rihanna. But I definitely adore the top and the shoes, even if I’m not sold on the shape of the pants. And the makeup is show-stopping, as it should be for the flawless face of Lancôme.

COCO ROCHA
gown by Christian Siriano, hat by Heather Huey

I find it HILARIOUS that the serifs in the “A” in CFDA on the wall behind her actually look like her hair. Don’t try and pretend that’s an accident, Coco. That’s the skill of a supermodel, right there. She also appears to be sprouting multicolored wings, which I also support. Plus, she’s wearing Christian Siriano and a ridiculous-but-in-a-perfect-way hat. Four stars for you, Coco. You go, Coco.

ANNA CHLUMSKY
top and skirt by Cynthia Rowley

It feels better suited for a movie premiere or a daytime event than the CFDAs, but who the hell am I to judge her for appropriateness when Rihanna showed up naked? This is Veep‘s hilarious Anna Chlumsky bringing her A-game. This silhouette is literally perfect for her, and the shoes are fun and interesting and give the otherwise girly gear a modern kick.

GRETA GERWIG
gown by Zac Posen

I ADORE this gown (which I predicted Dita von Teese would wear), and I think it was a great choice for Greta. A little more oomph in the hair and makeup department, and this would have been a complete show-stopper.

CHANEL IMAN
gown by Monique Lhuillier

She looks good in everything, but she nearly always brings her A-game anyway. The same can’t be said for all runway models, so let’s hear it for Chanel Iman’s slinky, sexy, art deco, awesome-sleeved gown. Also, girl, would you let me borrow that dress for a few days? I’m working on a Bellatrix Lestrange costume for next week, and that shit is kind of perfect.

ALESSANDRA AMBRÓSIO
gown by Nonoo

Not the most surprising thing on earth, but girl does simple damn well. The earrings are what pushed me over into “loving it.” They’re absolutely killer.

JENNIFER HUDSON
gown by Kaufmanfranco

Another fantastic gown that I predicted another star (Evan Rachel Wood) would wear. I’m in love with it on Jennifer, but she could have used a less clunkier shoe. Hair and makeup game are on point, though.

HEIDI KLUM
gown by Donna Karan, shoes by Jimmy Choo

I love this mostly because it’s SO different from the tight-and-sparkly-and-short-as-can-be dresses Heidi almost always opts for. It’s effortless and loose and soft and all-around lovely, if a little long. But the color and shape feel so perfect for a summer night. Kudos, Ms. Klum, for surprising me.

HILARY RHODA
gown by J. Mendel

The jewelry and accessories are only okay, but it’s hard to go wrong with a runway model in a gown like this. Loving the sex hair and bold lips.

EMMY ROSSUM
gown by J. Mendel, shoes by Manolo Blahnik

Cool hair, and I like the idea of this gown, but the many competing details and too-long hemline make it look like it’s wearing her. It needed to lose the cut-out  or the asymmetrical skirt or the black trim or the black lace. It still works, but not as well as it could if it were just a little less complex.

ASHLEY OLSEN and MARY-KATE OLSEN
dresses by The Row; Mary-Kate’s shoes by Christian Louboutin

This is about as form-fitting as the Olsen twins get. At least they’re wearing shoes that actually fit for once. And it’s kind of cute that they’re dressing alike again, which I thought twins stopped doing after they got old enough to feel lame about it.

OLIVIA PALERMO
top and skirt by Ann Taylor, purse by Lulu Guinness, shoes by Aquazzura

Who wears a fur sweater in New York City in June? I’m not a fan of fur to begin with, but this just feels like overkill. And that’s on top of a fringed skirt, shoes with black-and-white trim AND bows,  multiple bracelets… sigh. I’m always exhausted after trying to name every insane overwhelming detail of Olivia Palermo’s outfits.

SOLANGE KNOWLES
gown by Calvin Klein

This is downright boring for the usually unforgettable (sometimes in a great way, sometimes not) Solange. But I guess she don’t want to call too much attention to herself at her first major red carpet appearance since she beat the shit out of her super-famous brother-in-law in an elevator after the Met Gala. I mean, we’ve all been there, am I right?

KARLIE KLOSS
gown by Band of Outsiders

Way to ruin an awesome gown with the worst possible pair of shoes for it, Karlie. How disappointing. This was modern and light and interesting, and then she stole a pair of shoes from a cowboy-by-day, stripper-by-night.

BUSY PHILIPPS
gown by Honor

Everyone stop wearing statement pieces of jewelry OVER clothing, please. It’s just stupid. You get a high neckline that makes you look like you’re bleeding ruffles, or you get the world’s largest necklace. Not both. That’s greedy.

JAIME KING
gown by Calvin Klein

This gown is nothing but is depressing, and the shoes with it don’t make any sense at all.

SOPHIA BUSH
dress by Marchesa, purse by Rauwolf, shoes by Stuart Weitzman

See above re: statement necklaces over clothing. Also, the slightly yellowed color of this dress makes it look like a doily that’s been tucked in some old lady’s closet for the last half a century.

MARION COTILLARD
dress and shoes by Christian Dior

Go home, Marion. You have run out of Dior dresses. Go fly away on your weird little wings.

BLAKE LIVELY
dress by Michael Kors, shoes by Casadei

This is why it infuriates me that Blake Lively is so proud that she doesn’t have a stylist. GIRL. YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT THIS. The headband and giant hoops together make her look like an extra in a 90s girl group video, and sadly, not in a good way. And how many fucking bracelets do you need? Is that a joke? Can you even lift your right hand? And don’t get me started on the giant-toed pumps, which were all the rage like two years ago and I still can’t really bear the sight of them, at least with short dresses at formal events.

KAREN ELSON
dress by Michael Kors

No. I reject this entirely.

KERI RUSSELL
gown by Rosie Assoulin

The look in Keri Russell’s eyes so clearly says “Help me” that I think she may have been tied into this dress involuntarily. I certainly have no idea how she plans to escape from such a mechanism. Good luck and godspeed, Felicity.

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© Democracy Diva, 2014.
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