Front Row: Spring 2016 Fashion Shows

New York! London! Milan! Paris! Mars!  (Oh, are there not fashion shows on Mars yet? Damn. Karl Lagerfeld really needs to get his shit together.)

JANELLE MONAE at the Chanel show
dress by Chanel

Photo: InDigital

I’m not sure it’s possible to go wrong with Janelle Monae in Chanel. It may not even be possible to go wrong with Janelle Monae in anything. There’s only a handful of people on earth who can match her level of fabness, and I can’t think of a single other celebrity who can stick so closely to her own personal aesthetic without becoming boring or predictable. Also: shoes = YUM.

Also, yes, the Chanel show was airport-themed, because OF COURSE Karl Lagerfeld would turn the Grand Palais into an airport. Actually, it’s so crazy-looking that you should probably check out more photos of the insanity here.

JANELLE MONAE at the Giambattista Valli show
dress by Giambattista Valli, purse by Elizabeth Weinstock, shoes by Sophia Webster

Photo: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty

The purse distracts from the funky print of the outfit – and so does the hair. If I were Janelle, I’d have kept the braids, but tossed them behind my shoulders instead of in front, where they obscure the abstract geometric realness of the clothing. But I still adore this.

SOLANGE KNOWLES at the Prabal Gurung show

Photo: John Parra/Getty

This right here? This is why I fucking live for Solange Knowles, despite her penchant for batshit craziness. Armies of basic starlets in little black dresses flood fashion week every season, but Solange is just too goddamn interesting for that shit. She will wear day-glo, and she will wear ALL OF IT, and fuck you if you are blinded by the sight of this much fire-engine red. Solange does not care. She’s too busy being awesome.

SOLANGE KNOWLES at the Milly show
dress by Milly

Photo: Ben Gabbe/Getty

Ok, I may be drinking the Solange Kool-Aid, but I’m not BLIND. Green suede loafers….if that’s not a sign of the impending apocalypse, I don’t know what is.

RIHANNA at the Dior show
coat by Christian Dior

Photo: Rindoff/Le Segretain/Getty

File this under “only Rihanna” and “only at Fashion Week,” because this look could absolutely NEVER work under any other circumstances. I think she’s working the shit out of it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not laughing my ass off at that torso-sized pocket. What purpose could that giant pocket even serve? I’m pretty sure the Game of Thrones giants are too busy riding mammoths to hit up a Dior show, and even Goliath would probably be all, “eh, that’s a tad on the big side for me.”

LÉA SEYDOUX at the Miu Miu show

Photo: Getty

Even though the “jacket hanging off the shoulders” thing is the bane of my existence – for God’s sake, celebrities, you either get to wear a coat, or not wear a coat, BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS – I’m on board. Mostly because when a French woman puts on a coat like this, I really can’t do much more than drool.

MIRANDA KERR at the Louis Vuitton show

Photo: Laurent Zabulon/Abaca/Startraks

JACKET SLEEVES GO ON YOUR ARMS, PEOPLE. THAT’S WHY THEY HAVE THOSE ARM-SHAPED HOLES IN THEM, YOU SEE? But also, why don’t I own an emerald leather jacket? Oh, because I’m not rich? Good call.

KIERNAN SHIPKA at the Valentino after-party

Photo: Francois Goize/WWD/Rex/Shutterstock

Hair: phenomenal. Color: stupendous. I’m not big on dresses that have that dustruffle-looking thing on the bottom, but shit, this is all so gorgeous I don’t even care.

KIERNAN SHIPKA at the 3.1 Phillip Lim show
top and pants by 3.1 Phillip Lim

Photo: Getty

Look at her little quasi-suit! Kiernan Shipka has to be careful – she’s so fucking cute that she may actually turn into a golden retriever puppy. But hopefully she will not accidentally step in her own poop, like I saw the golden retriever puppy that lives in my building do last week. (Although, honestly, in the life of a child star, anything is possible.)

KIERNAN SHIPKA at the Valentino show

Photo: Getty

I cannot justify this many different kinds of lace on one garment – not even for my beloved Kiernan.

ZENDAYA COLEMAN at the Vivienne Westwood show
gown by Vivienne Westwood

Photo: Getty

I can absolutely accept that some people will hate this. But it’s Vivienne Westwood as all hell, so I don’t think there’s really a more appropriate outfit for a VW show than this one. I mean, at least it’s not that strapless, pointy-necklined draped VW dress that every single starlet wore at least eleven times between 2005 and 2010. Also, it takes a bit of a badass to wear this skirt and say, “yeah, there’s a picnic blanket tacked onto my cocktail dress, WHAT OF IT?” So, respect.

ZENDAYA COLEMAN at the Emanuel Ungaro show
dress by Emanuel Ungaro

Photo: celebmafia.com

Fun as hell, but again, don’t try this at home. Some shit needs to stay either on the runway, or within the immediate vicinity of the runway.

ZENDAYA COLEMAN at the Kenzo show
jacket and pants by Kenzo

Photo: Getty

I don’t know who this loony grandma is, but I want to be her bestie.

HAILEE STEINFELD at the Prabal Gurung show

Photo: D. Dipasupil/Getty

I keep forgetting Hailee Steinfeld is all grown up and shit. Good for you, cutie. I think an LBD is a bit of a basic choice – it’s a fashion show! you can wear LITERALLY ANYTHING that designer has ever made! – but at least on the scale of LBDs, it’s not as boring as it could be.

EMILIA CLARKE at the Dior show
dress and shoes by Christian Dior

Photo: Getty

Okay, Daenerys Targaryen deserves something WAY more intricate and fantastic than this – I mean, your medieval-era costumes should not be cooler than your front-row fashion show gear. But I have to say, the sleek long bob (no, I will not call it a “lob,” because long bob does not take that long to say/type, and also “lob” sounds fucking stupid) is really working for her.

DIANNA AGRON at the Marc Jacobs show
dress by Marc Jacobs

Photo: Getty

Sweet and pretty, but a little more “wealthy socialite at an Upper East Side garden party” than you’d normally expect from someone attending a post-“GRACE JONES BUTCH REALNESS” Marc Jacobs event.

CARA DELEVINGNE at the Burberry show

Photo: Rex

I love the expression on her face (“can you believe I still have to pretend to care about shit like fashion shows? I’M A SUPER SRS ACTOR NOW U GUYZ”), and her shoes. But I’m going to need a fully reasoned explanation of why she’s wearing a sweater and some fabric that definitely doesn’t even come close to qualifying as a skirt.

LUPITA NYONG’O at the Boss show
dress by Boss, shoes by Paul Andrew

Photo: Getty

Actually, this is a little disappointing from the fashion powerhouse that is Lupita. I find that she’s often ridiculously phenomenal at major events, but her slightly more casual red carpet gear doesn’t blow me away the way her gowns do.

Also, my big sister used to put bows from birthday presents on her head when she was little, so I’m pretty sure Lupita stole that particular styling choice from her.

NICKI MINAJ at the Givenchy show
dress by Givenchy

Photo: BFA

She is a goddess in this dress, but the shoes are so pedestrian. (Well, I guess it would actually be quite difficult for your average pedestrian to walk around in those heels, but you know what I mean.)

OLIVIA WILDE at the Michael Kors show
dress by Michael Kors

Photo: Getty

I dig the print of the dress, but the accessories feel kind of cheesy. I’ll put the blame on Michael Kors, who hasn’t designed more than two interesting dresses in the last ten years, rather than Olivia, who is generally awesome and lovely.

KATE MARA at the Marc Jacobs show
dress by Marc Jacobs

Photo: Getty

Something about the high neckline combined with the Peter Pan haircut gives me the wiggins.

DAKOTA JOHNSON at the Gucci show
dress, purse, and shoes by Gucci

Photo: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty

I may never decide whether I  actually hate Dakota Johnson’s style, or whether I just hate Fifty Shades so much that I cannot confine my hatred to the actual books/movie.

ALEXA CHUNG at the Gucci show
coat, dress, and shoes by Gucci

Photo: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty

….. someone please tell me the back halves of those hideous old man shoes are not FURRY. SOMEONE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, REASSURE ME THAT ALEXA CHUNG IS NOT WEARING HALF-FUZZY-SLIPPER, HALF-OLD-MAN-LOAFERS TO A FUCKING FASHION SHOW.

JESSICA CHASTAIN at the Ralph Lauren show
jumpsuit by Ralph Lauren

Photo: Getty

Boring. I’m much more interested in how deliciously drunk Alec Baldwin looks in his front-row seat.

JULIANNE MOORE at the Ralph Lauren show
dress by Ralph Lauren

Photo: Getty

C’mon, Julianne. You’re better than this.

CIARA at the Givenchy show
gown by Givenchy

Photo: BFA

Nope. A big bag of nope. Actually, a truckload of nope. No – a LANDFILL of nope.


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