Welcome to the opening ceremonies of Cannes 2017, judgmental assholes! 

Ah, Cannes Film Festival. If you’re here for glamour turned up to eleven thousand, Cannes is your Christmas (and my Hannukah). It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Best Dressed: ELLE FANNING
gown by Vivienne Westwood

Positively regal, from every goddamn angle.

THIS IS WHAT CANNES IS FOR, MOTHERFUCKERS. THIS IS EVERYTHING.

Runner-Up: JULIANNE MOORE
gown by Givenchy

There might be one too many details happening around her shoulders. But overall, I’m very much on board regardless of how many Elmos had to die to fill out the fringe in that skirt.

Honorable Mention: FAN BINGBING
gown by Elie Saab

Fan Bingbing is my personal Cannes hero. Half the fun of Cannes is seeing the international celebrities who are too busy being worshipped in their home countries to hit up cheesy American red carpets. So Cannes is where we go to see the fiercest global starlets work their designer duds. And even though Fan is always hiding a pair of giant platforms that went out of style five years ago beneath her otherwise-flawless gowns, she is my queen.

UMA THURMAN
gown by Atelier Versace, jewelry by Chopard

I love an architectural take on an old Hollywood classic. The way the pleats swirl together at her hip is really stunning.

SARA SAMPAIO
gown by Zuhair Murad

Bad luck that Julianne Moore wore an even more spectacular red gown, or this look would have blown my mind. I’m still living for it, though. The embellishments and the fit are particularly lovely.

JESSICA CHASTAIN
gown by Alexander McQueen

Love the sheer skirt with the velvet (I think?) trim, though I’m not as sold on the big-ass doves. But the funkier-than-expected necklace combined with the soft hair and makeup pull this look together despite the birds.

NAOMIE HARRIS
gown by Gucci

The skirt should start an inch or two lower, and I don’t love the intentionally-sloppy seam where it meets the bodice, but Naomie’s killing it in every shade of sherbert.

MONICA BELLUCCI
gown by Christian Dior

Okay, she looks like she’s carrying two bags of trash around with her, but I still kind of dig this.

DEEPIKA PADUKONE
gown by Marchesa

I wish her hair weren’t covering up so much of the draping that makes this gown what it is, and the styling is all-around disappointing. But I’m never mad at an eggplant gown.

MARION COTILLARD at the opening premiere
gown by Jean Paul Gaultier, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

Surprisingly sleek and modern for a film festival that tends to be all about the old school red carpet glamour.

MARION COTILLARD at the opening dinner
dress by Chanel

Oof. Sorry, Marion, but I’m not sure your costume change was worth it.

ARAYA A. HARGATE
gown by Ralph & Russo, jewelry by Chopard

Now THAT is a motherfucking maternity look. I don’t think it’s possible to wear that many ostrich feathers and not give birth to the fabbest child on earth. That, or an actual ostrich.

ROBIN WRIGHT
dress by Saint Laurent

I dig the boxy shoulders, but the rest is a little forgettable.

BELLA HADID
gown by Alexandre Vauthier, jewelry by Bulgari

Yank it all up an inch and cut a foot off the length, and I’d be willing to give it a shot.

EVA HERZIGOVA
gown, purse, and shoes by Roberto Cavalli

It doesn’t fit, the shoes clash, and something about it just feels very ten years ago.

LILY-ROSE DEPP
gown by Chanel

It’s a glorified bedsheet, but she’s selling it hard.

HAILEY BALDWIN
gown by Twinset

Peplum gowns are over, and royal blue satin is never going to look modern.

DARIA STROKOUS
gown by Christian Dior

This looks like an amateur police sketch of Elle Fanning’s dress.

EMILY RATAJKOWSKI 
gown by Twinset, jewelry by Bulgari

If you want the millions of dollars in gemstones you’re wearing to not look like costume jewelry, you have to pair them with something a hell of a lot more expensive-looking than this gown. This sad cheap silk pulling and wrinkling in every direction? No, Emily. No. Not here. Not at Cannes.

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Coming soon: More Cannes; this time, featuring Rihanna.

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© Democracy Diva, 2017.
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