Pack your couture and some sunscreen, darlings, and let’s go to Cannes.

Best Dressed: AISHWARYA RAI BACHCHAN at the Okja premiere
gown by Michael Cinco

SHUT THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING FESTIVAL DOWN, IT’S NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS. Actually, I think we can cancel the next decade of Cannes based solely on the power of this gown. Aishwarya, you are my shero.

Runner-Up: JESSICA CHASTAIN at the Okja premiere
gown by Givenchy

Love the color, the straps, the fringe, all of it. She’s serving up My Little Pony cosplay realness and I was born for it.

Honorable Mention: TILDA SWINTON at the Okja premiere
gown by Haider Ackermann, jewelry by Repossi

I think America needs Tilda Swinton, androgynous fashion alien time-traveling to us from the minimalist runways of the 25th century, now more than ever before.

RIHANNA at the Okja premiere
gown by Christian Dior, sunglasses by Andy Wolf, jewelry by Chopard

The only bitch on earth who can wear those tanning bed sunglasses on the red carpet and make it look like fashion.

AMBER VALLETTA at the Wonderstruck premiere
dress by Mulberry

Killer dress, flawless styling. I want that necklace and those shoes so badly, it hurts.

JULIANNE MOORE at the Wonderstruck premiere
dress by Chanel, jewelry by Chopard, shoes by Gianvito Rossi

A classic Cannes moment if ever there was one: beading, feathers, and a metric shit-ton of diamonds.

JULIANNE MOORE at the Okja premiere
gown by Louis Vuitton, earrings by Chopard

I’m not particularly sold on the belt or the shoes, but the gown is solid.

WINNIE HARLOW at the Loveless premiere
gown by Zuhair Murad

The only thing I know about Winnie Harlow is that she was in Lemonade, and that’s honestly all I need to know to be obsessed with her. I wish the fabric of this gown looked a little more expensive, but I’m still here for it.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS at the Wonderstruck premiere
gown by Louis Vuitton

Classy and hipster-chic, if slightly underwhelming.

BELLA HADID at the Okja premiere
gown by Christian Dior, necklace by Bulgari

The addition of the signature Bulgari serpent necklace – which I swear gets worn at least half a dozen times at Cannes every single year – makes any outfit looks like it cost three million dollars. It was wisely deployed here, since this weird couch fabric definitely isn’t doing any of the heavy lifting in that regard.

LILY COLLINS at the Okja premiere
gown by Ralph & Russo, jewelry by Bulgari

I’m struggling to make sense out of the shape of that bodice, but at least the styling is heavenly. The necklace is divine, and her eyes are my new makeup goals.

LI YUCHUN at the Okja premiere
gown by Gucci

Aight, everyone put your chunky black platforms back in the closet and give me some more shoe choices. This is Cannes, after all. I expect more, particularly from someone wearing a dress with twenty tiger heads on it.

UMA THURMAN at the Loveless premiere
jacket and skirt by Giuseppe Zanotti, purse by Tod’s

Listen, normal human women are allowed to forego a pedicure. We have limited time and resources, and our jobs don’t require being us to be photographed from every angle and make all the free shit we’re wearing look as expensive as possible. But Uma, you’re on a red carpet wearing thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free clothes. Could you maybe spring for a polish change? Or at least throw on a closed-toed pump?

ADRIANA LIMA at the Loveless premiere
gown by Naeem Khan, jewelry by Chopard

I have a feeling this was much more impactful in person, where you could actually appreciate the texture of the gown. But sadly, in photographs, it’s a plain white gown. Only the collar saves this from being completely ordinary.

ARAYA A. HARGATE at the Loveless premiere
gown by Olivier Theyskens, jewelry by Chopard

God bless you for trying, honey, but this might be overkill.

EMILY RATAJKOWSKI at the Loveless premiere
gown by Peter Dundas

Where was this commitment to volume and risk-taking at the Met Gala, Emily? At least I could have chalked all this hideousness up to the theme. But here… oy.

TALLIA STORM at the Ojka premiere

Full disclosure, I have straight-up no clue who this is, but her dress is pretty! A little bridal, but I’ll forgive it.

DEEPIKA PADUKONE at the Loveless premiere
gown by Brandon Maxwell, shoes by Chloe Gosselin

Great color, but the styling makes it feel a little dated.

THYLANE BLONDEAU at the Okja premiere

She’s only sixteen, so I’ll give her a pass for the fact that this dress is wearing her. It’s hard to really own any gown at that age, unless you’re Elle Fanning or some other magical woodland nymph.

THYLANE BLONDEAU at the Loveless premiere
gown by Christian Dior

This is almost the same as the (disappointing) gown Daria Strokous wore to the opening ceremonies. If we’re doing repeats at Cannes, can we repeat something a little better than these weird doodle-gowns, please?

LILY DONALDSON at the Loveless premiere
gown by Christian Dior, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

Wow, a sheer skirt and a corset! Something new and different! *exaggerated eye roll*

ROBIN WRIGHT at the Loveless premiere
purse by Hayward

This is a whole lot of nothing, and the fit is terrible.

MOLLY SIMS at the Okja premiere

Yank it up an inch and put her hair up, and maybe we can talk.

PETRA NÊMCOVÁ at the Loveless premiere
gown by 2nd Skin Co., jewelry by Chopard

I’ve seen this dress seven thousand times before. No amount of Chopard jewels will make it interesting.

JULIETTE BINOCHE at the Okja premiere
gown by Chloé, earrings by Chopard

I’m here for a Carrie Fisher tribute, but this weak-ass Princess Leia look just makes me sad.

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Need more Cannes? Catch up.

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© Democracy Diva, 2017.
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