Another week gone by, and another zillion starlets to judge.
LADY GAGA // gown by Alexandre Vauthier
This is why it’s awesome to have Lady Gaga around. I love everything about this.
This, on the other hand, looks like some giantess sea creature who has come to gouge my eyes out and steal my soul.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // gown by Viktor & Rolf
Beautiful color. The knot covering her left boob is a little sloppy, but this dress is fantastic on her.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // jumpsuit and cuff by Louis Vuitton
Jessica, I love you enough to tell you that when you wear jumpsuits, you look like a child. Stop it.
LEA MICHELE // gown by J. Mendel, purse by Kotur, shoes by Casadei
Beautiful dress, but it doesn’t fit her well. I’m forgiving that, since the hair, makeup, and accessories are all working.
ELIZABETH OLSEN // dress by Carven, belt by Jimmy Choo, purse by The Row, shoes by Vivienne Westwood
If she took those stupid little fleurshons off her shoes, I’d be fawning all over this look. This dress is phenomenal, and with the exception of the shoes, it’s styled perfectly. Great hair, love the lipstick, love the little pins on her dress.
VICTORIA BECKHAM // dress and purse by Victoria Beckham, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I’m so over minimalism. It’s often just an excuse for being boring.
OLIVIA WILDE // gown by Marchesa
There are Grecian gowns that celebrities wear on the red carpet, and there are robes that look like they were actually worn by the ancient Greeks centuries ago. The former is fashionable; the latter, not so much. And this is CLEARLY the latter.
CHRISTINA HENDRICKS // dress by Vivienne Westwood, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Jimmy Choo
I like the color of this dress – that shiny salmon is really beautiful on her skin, and I like the draping, even if the satin is a little too wrinkled in the skirt. The white purse is precious, but the shoes are not. And I managed to make it three sentences without talking about the two giant elephants in the room – those gravity-defying planets that are Christina Hendricks’ breasts.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL // dress by Collette Dinnigan, shoes by Sergio Rossi
Cute, without being as obnoxiously girly as most of the stuff she wears.
EMMY ROSSUM // dress by Dior, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Stunning, except for the hair. The dress is gorgeous, absolutely perfect for her, the shoes are adorable, and she looks chic and put-together.
CHRISTINA RICCI // dress by J. Crew
Tranny makeup with a babydoll dress, a stripper’s purse and a hooker’s shoes? No thanks.
ASHLEY GREENE // dress by Oscar de la Renta, purse by Swarovski, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
She’s painfully boring, and dresses way too matronly for her age, but this dress is lovely. She needs to learn that not every dress requires a skinny belt.
JENNIFER HUDSON // dress by Giambattista Valli
Not my favorite. The makeup is too heavy, the dress is such an obnoxious color, and I don’t think the length is particularly flattering on her.
JENNIFER GARNER // dress by Valentino, shoes by Casadei
JUST HIRE A STYLIST. IT’S NOT THAT HARD.
BONNIE WRIGHT // gown by Roksanda Ilincic
Ginny Weasley, LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. Look at your choices. LOOK AT HOW LONG THIS STUPID GOWN IS ON YOU! Look at that … gold thing you have bound to your arm like some sort of torture device? Look at your lazy hair and lack of makeup? Why are you making it so difficult for me to worship you?!
RACHEL ZOE // top and skirt by Marc Jacobs
NO MORE SLOPPY FISHTAIL BRAIDS. Hate the little apron thing, but I’m all kinds of loving that skirt.
That is one ugly dress.
ZOE SALDANA // dress by Azzaro, shoes by Sergio Rossi
What on earth was she doing in the limo to make this dress look so wrinkled? If you’re going to fuck in the limo, have some class and do it naked so your clothes don’t look like shit.
MADONNA // dress by Tom Ford, shoes by Brian Atwood
Madonna, I love you, but no matter how young your face is, I don’t want to see you in fishnets and mesh. It’s just sad.
BEYONCE // gown by Michael Kors, purse by Alexander McQueen
Sexy! A gorgeous dress, and she looks super-tiny in it. It’s particularly flattering for her body, and I won’t mock the hair, because she shouldn’t be dying it when she’s pregnant. I’d love some bling though. Beyonce without bling is just unnatural.