ANNE HATHAWAY vs. MICHELLE WILLIAMS
Anne: Oh, um, this is awkward.
Michelle: What’s awkward?
Anne: Well, I thought I was up against Michelle Williams from Destiny’s Child. I have to admit, I’m kind of disappointed.
Michelle: But it’s a Battle of the Pixies! What does Other Michelle Williams have that I don’t have?
Anne: She got shot out of a cannon at the fucking Superbowl. It was basically the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.
Michelle: Has anyone ever told you that you’re, like, a total dork?
Anne: Um, yes. Aaron Tveit and Amanda Seyfried told me that, like, every day on set. How do you think I was able to cry so hard?
Michelle: Wow. I guess I assumed you were, you know, acting.
Anne: I’m just joking, Michelle. Jeez. You’re even more uptight than I am.
Michelle: Let’s just blame the pixie cuts.
ROSE BYRNE vs. ELLE FANNING
Rose: Well aren’t you just an adorable little thing? So you’re the littler Fanning?
Elle: Well, technically I’m taller than Dakota, but yup, that’s me!
Rose: Precious. I love how you’re dressing to match me – it’s just so darling.
Elle: Dressing to match you? You’re dressing to match me! You think an amateur can pull off these boots?
Rose: I suppose you’re right about that. Anyway, how much longer will this take? Me and my comically large envelope clutch have places to be.
Elle: Chill out, Rose. Tension goes really poorly with springtime colors.
Rose: You’re starting to get on my nerves, you brat.
Elle: Doesn’t bother me, as long as you don’t start copying my style again.
Rose: I wear this pink a thousand times better than you could ever dream of wearing it, Little Miss Thing.
Elle: Oh, come on. I’m fucking angelic in this thing.
TAYLOR SWIFT vs. ALLISON WILLIAMS
Taylor: Howdy, Allison! I’m glad to see you brought your shiny hair – you’re going to need that to compete with me.
Allison: Just here to prove that you’re not the only one with luxurious Disney princess locks.
Taylor: Well, you might be able to compete with me in the hair category, but what about bedroom eyes? Sparkliness of dresses? Are you sure you know what you’ve gotten yourself into?
Allison: Is Taylor Swift actually trying to intimidate me? Hang on, this is fucking hilarious.
Taylor: What’s so funny about me being intimidating?
Allison: … Have you ever even SEEN yourself?
Taylor: Alright, bitch, you can go ahead and drop the attitude, since you look like a skin disease and your gray nails look fungal.
Allison: Wow. That was actually really harsh.
Taylor: That’s what you get for laughing at me!
Allison: I’ll have the last laugh after the votes are counted.
CATE BLANCHETT vs. EMMY ROSSUM
Cate: Emmy, I’m sure you’re a very nice and talented girl, but you might just want to quit while you’re ahead. That’s a very cute dress, but you’re dealing with a professional here.
Emmy: A professional what?
Cate: A professional DIVA, darling. It starts with mixed-print dresses no mere mortals could dream of pulling off.
Emmy: Does my apostrophe-print dress count?
Cate: The road to Divahood continues with colorblocking, naturally.
Emmy: Does it always require looking like you’re wearing a cast around your waist?
Cate: Quiet, missy. Then, we move onto something minimalist and vaguely elfish.
Emmy: This is getting weirder and weirder.
Cate: And finally, we go out with a motherfucking BANG.
Emmy: I hear you, Cate. Let’s do this.