Good LORD, do we have some judging to do.
Best Dressed: RIHANNA
gown by Giambattista Valli
Photo: Larry Busacca/Getty
Love it or hate it, this was the only thing besides Kanye pulling a Kanye that anybody could talk about. Every other music star we can count on to bring the drama – Bey, Miley, Gaga, Katy – wore something sadly underwhelming. No one showed up in a statement-making look except Rihanna. And for that, I congratulate her.
Or maybe I just like it because I wore basically the same thing to my bat mitzvah.
Runners-Up: ESTE HAIM, DANIELLE HAIM, and ALANA HAIM
Este’s gown by Chloé
Danielle’s suit and Alana’s jumpsuit by Stella McCartney
Photo: Larry Busacca/Getty
Of all the people to WORK IT OUT on this red carpet, I can’t say I expected the HAIM ladies to blow so many more experienced starlets out of the water. These clothes are tailored FLAWLESSLY, and every outfit is the perfect combination of effort and “who gives a fuck.” I live for a good lady-pant, and there’s no better place to pull one out than the Grammys.
Honorable Mention: RITA ORA
gown by Prada
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
This has Grammys written all over it, and Rita has never looked like more of a superstar.
NICK JONAS
suit by Versace
Photo: Christopher Polk/WireImage
Obsessed with this plaid. Less in love with the buttoned-up shirt and scary cult sneakers, but the suit is so good I can’t quite bring myself to care.
ANNA KENDRICK
suit by Band of Outsiders, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo
Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
More awesome lady-pants. God, that tuxedo jacket is heavenly. And her hair looks particularly Disney-princessy. Ugh, I just want to marry this girl.
HELEN LASICHANH and PHARRELL
Pharrell’s suit by Adidas
Photo: Larry Busacca/Getty
I was skeptical on television, but the fact that Pharrell’s outfit was made of reflective material meant that it was gray on TV and white in photographs, and I kind of love that. And while I hated it that time he wore shorts to the Oscars, I think the Grammys are the right place to whip out those man-calves and show off those fucking fabulous shoes. As for Pharrell’s wife: I’d make fun of her, but she was clearly game to go in on matching outfits with her man, and I for one find that adorable.
CIARA
gown by Alexandre Vauthier, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
Only ranked this high because, let’s face it, the fashion at this event mostly sucked balls.
IGGY AZALEA
gown by Armani Privé
Photo: Christopher Polk/Getty
From the forehead-down, this is everything I could have wanted and more. But those braids… my lord. The hair that launched a thousand memes. I just can’t even look at it without cringing.
USHER
tuxedo by Calvin Klein
Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
Is he wearing fishnet slippers? I hope so.
KATY PERRY
dress by Zuhair Murad, earrings by Sophia Webster
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
There’s nothing wrong with this, necessarily, but it’s KATY PERRY. I know this was the World’s Most Somber Grammys, but jeez, were they not even allowed to have fun on the red carpet? This just emphasizes why I found Rihanna’s dress so mind-blowing – so few people seemed to be enjoying themselves in any way until Ri showed up.
JESSIE J
gown by Ralph & Russo
Photo: Larry Busacca/Getty
Perfect for the Oscars, but again, she could have had a hell of a lot more fun than this if she’d gone for a print or a color.
GWYNETH PALTROW
dress by Saint Laurent, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Photo: Jason Kempin/WireImage
No one cares.
MEGHAN TRAINOR
gown by Galia Lahav
Photo: Lester Cohen/WireImage
Fire your makeup artist, Meghan. I’ll take care of hunting down the person who invented the sheer-gown-over-a-mini-dress trend.
MILEY CYRUS
gown by Alexandre Vauthier
Photo: Kevin Mazur/WireImage
This is painfully dull, and if there’s anything Miley Cyrus should never be, it’s dull.
ZENDAYA COLEMAN
gown by Vivienne Westwood
Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
Aggressively hideous, like almost everything Zendaya wears. I’ll give her points for the lipstick and the rings, though. All gorgeous.
TONI BRAXTON
gown by Marc Bouwer
Photo: Reuters/Mario Anzuoni/Landov
This has to be on backwards, right? Please, god, tell me it’s on backwards.
KANYE WEST
suit by Balmain
Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
I don’t actually hate this outfit, I’m just really, really tired of Kanye.
KIM KARDASHIAN
gown by Jean Paul Gaultier
Photo: Christopher Polk/Getty
Cyclops in a drag queen’s bathrobe.
Worst Dressed: MADONNA
ensemble by Givenchy
Photo: Reuters/Mario Anzuoni
Please excuse Madonna, as she is just stopping by the Grammys on her way to an 18th-century-Spain-themed production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
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© Democracy Diva, 2015.
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The Democracy Diva 
Okay, so Rihanna’s dress reminds me exclusively of those cakes where you shove a doll into a cake. And then I giggle because my mum has a copy of the Kid’s Birthday Cakes cookbook brought out in the 80s by the Australian Women’s Weekly, and the instructions for making one of those cakes include the line “if doll is too tall, trim legs.”
Also, Gwyneth looks like a very shiny balloon. And the light is hitting her dress in such a way that it kind of makes her look pregnant. Or like she had a huge lunch. Either way, it’s probably not what she was going for…
There is basically no way Gwyneth Paltrow has had a huge lunch (or any other meal) in the last decade. I think she subsides on seaweed and being pretentious.
Gwyneth’s dress looks similar to the orange sequinned Tom Ford jersey worn by Beyonce.
And Rita Ora’s dress looks downright trashy. Like her hair.
And I agree, this was such a underplayed/underdressed Grammy. Thank God for Rihanna