Let’s finish up this shit-show once and for all.
Best Dressed: GWEN STEFANI
jumpsuit by Atelier Versace
Low-key but futuristic; fancy yet funky. Girlfriend looked awesome. I mean, sure, it helps to murder baby unicorns on a regular basis so Gwen can drink their blood and look 29 forever, but, you know. Still awesome even without the unicorn genocide.
Runner-Up: JANE FONDA
jumpsuit and necklace by Balmain, purse by Paula Cademartori, shoes by Jimmy Choo
I never knew it before, because I’m too young to have grown up with her as an icon, but JANE FONDA IS FLAWLESS, YOU GUYS. Pushing 80 GODDAMN YEARS YOUNG, and still looking like the hottest bitch at Studio 54. She’s got makeup older than half the bitches on this red carpet and she’s putting them all to shame. I might have cringed if she’d tried to rock a green disco jumpsuit at a different event, but this is what I live for when it comes to the Grammys. Too bad the music stars didn’t get the memo.
Honorable Mention: NICKI MINAJ
gown by Tom Ford, jewelry by Jacob & Co.
Sex hair, mega-cleavage, glitter, and fringe? That’s a recipe for Grammys success. Honestly, I love this new version of Nicki that focuses on shocking the world with her music and videos rather than by bringing a pope as her date.
MARY J. BLIGE
gown by J. Mendel, purse by Amanda Pearl
The bracelet pushes it from perfectly over-the-top to “she may actually be crushed under the weight of all those diamonds before the night is out,” but everything else about this is pretty damn great. The bodice is a dream, the fit of the gown is gorgeous, and Mary J is just generally phenomenal.
gown by Gabriela Cadena, jewelry by Jennifer Fisher, purse by Kotur
Kudos to Miranda Lambert, the only country star who doesn’t dress like a country star. This is more along the lines of what a model who’s not quite sure what she’s doing there would wear to the Grammys, but in a really good way, you know? I’d have gone for more statement-making hair, but I like that the clutch shows some personality. Well done.
suit by Marc Jacobs
Why didn’t anyone tell me that Ne-Yo is one of the most styling motherfuckers on the planet? His midnight-green Marc Jacobs suit was probably my favorite menswear (well, menswear for men, that is) of the night.
MADDIE ZIEGLER and SIA
suits by Armani Privé
Fuck convention. This is awesome, and so was that insane Kristen Wiig performance. And Maddie is werking those shoes like it’s her goddamn job.
suit by Givenchy
gown by Yanina Couture, shoes by Sophia Webster
This has a lot of elements that I detest, but I actually somehow like the end result. I think the white pumps might have sold me on it, as strange as that sounds. They seem like the tacky choice, but they actually pull the look together beautifully.
dress by Mugler, shoes by Prabal Gurung
Appropriate “this isn’t my show, I’m Keith Urban’s wife here, but don’t worry, the Oscars are soon and then BEWARE THE ICE QUEEN” garb. Love the shoes.
gown by Proenza Schouler
Bey has become too much like royalty, in that she wears the same goddamn thing to every event because she knows it’s safe and the Queen Mum won’t get mad at her for it. Maybe when she and Jay met Prince William and Kate recently, some of Kate’s stuck-in-a-rut style rubbed off on Bey. Because, while this dress is beautiful, it’s not different enough from what she’s worn before. Proof:
And that’s just in the past YEAR. There’s easily another half-dozen similar gowns from the year before. I love you, Bey, but I would also love for you to surprise me on the red carpet once in awhile.
gown by Elie Saab
Half kindergarten nightmare; half scuba-suit. And the shoes are just fucking stupid.
dress by Tom Ford
gown by Emilio Pucci
Her hair looked like it was dripping gel all over the red carpet. I really can’t get over that.
gown by Christos Costarellos
Snooze. Also, that belt is dumb.
suit by Dolce & Gabbana
Okay, fine, he looks pretty great. Now let’s get him to start influencing his lady’s style:
gown by Emilio Pucci
From the hair to the underboob to the slits down the side to the bracelets over her sleeves (WHY?), I hate this. And I don’t mind underboob and slits – it’s the Grammys, after all – but these just look terrible.
gown by Versace
No one cares about you, your ponytail, or your inability to enunciate.
gown by Brandon Maxwell, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
How disappointing. It makes you long for the days of the egg, doesn’t it?
Worst Dressed: CHARLI XCX
ensemble by Moschino
This is why a head-to-toe recreation of a runway look is always a bad idea. It’s a particularly bad idea for a Moschino look, because their Spring 2015 models were supposed to look like deranged Barbie dolls. If she had chosen a few elements of it, I could have supported this, but no. She looks like a cater-waiter wrapped in roadkill.