Farewell, Cannes 2017! We hardly knew ye, and yet ye also lasted for like eight thousand years.
Best Dressed: JESSICA CHASTAIN
gown by Prada, necklace by Piaget
Don’t look so surprised that this snagged the Best Dressed spot, dear readers. This is a deceptively simple look. Just a black dress and a weird pearl necklace? Yes, until you get the back view:
It has no right to be this perfect. But this is the magic of styling. Throw on a long tasseled necklace, whatever. Throw that necklace on BACKWARDS, and you somehow up your coolness factor by eleventy billion, and take this look from forgettable to fucking fabulous.
Runner-Up: NICOLE KIDMAN
gown by Chanel, jewelry by Harry Winston
Nicole Kidman embracing her severity can be very hit or miss on the red carpet, but this is a win for me. I’ve seen enough fringe and feathers at Cannes to last me a lifetime, but I love how fucking creepy this is. I should hate the way it sticks out over her neck and chest like supernatural pubes, but somehow it’s thrilling. Very Drusilla-from-Buffy-goes-to-the-opera. And that’s a compliment.
Honorable Mention: DIANE KRUGER
jumpsuit by Alexander McQueen, jewelry by Chopard
The wide-legged pants are ridiculous here – a skinnier leg would have given us the same gown/pants effect and looked far less sloppy – but it’s different from most of what we’ve seen at Cannes. That alone is enough to warrant an honorable mention. And honestly, bitches did NOT bring it nearly hard enough to the amfAR Gala this year. It should be one of the peaks of the Cannes red carpet, but like too many other red carpet events, it has been overrun by models who all wear the same damn sheer bedazzled gown.
gown by Zuhair Murad
Speaking of models in sheer bedazzled gowns… This bedazzle actually has some sense of style to it, and I like the way it sort of fades into tiny sparkles on her cleavage. More things should fade into tiny cleavage sparkles, in my opinion.
gown by Ulyana Sergeenko
The necklace is doing ALLLLL the heavy lifting here, but that was true for Jessica Chastain and I loved that shit when she did it. I think the issue here is that this necklace feels like it belongs with a different dress entirely.
gown by Schiaparelli
This is actually quite pretty, but I just can’t get excited about it.
TRACEE ELLIS ROSS
gown by Jenny Packham
This is INSANE, but I think I would have loved it if it weren’t essentially a bathrobe. Those ridiculous Muppet sleeves could have worked with a gown more fitted, or even just more artfully draped. But the proportions here make everything go from risky to cartoonish. Also, diamond studs would have helped. They help most things.
dress by Saint Laurent
Looks like it was taken out of the 2012 Lady Gaga reject pile, but points for wearing something different, I guess.
gown by Boss
Athletic, California-girl faux-natural chic in a way that almost nobody does anymore. It’s not my favorite aesthetic, but it’s a refreshing break from everything else we’ve seen. Plus, the colors are fantastic.
gown by Redemption
The hair, earrings, and lipstick are to die for. I could take or leave everything else.
gown by Prada
She gave birth like ten minutes ago, so she gets credit just for showing up.
jewelry by Chopard, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING FRINGE ALREADY.
gown by Elie Saab, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
I hate this for making me type the phrase “bejeweled harness.”
gown by Prada
Boring and terribly fit.
gown by Jean Paul Gaultier
Is that blush, or is Coco a chimney sweep in an old-timey film?
gown by Elie Saab
Well, she’d be the most stylish girl at the prom.
Sorry, sweetheart, but I maxed out on sheer bedazzled gowns a few looks ago.
gown by Ralph & Russo
WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
dress by Chanel
This is an assault on all of my senses. (Yes, I can smell how terrible this dress is. It smells like desperation. And Chanel No. 5.)
gown by Jean Paul Gaultier
IT HAS EYES.
gown by Marchesa
Oh my GOD, models. Get it together! What are we even DOING right now?
gown by Elie Saab, jewelry by Damiani
Well, at least it’s not sheer.
gown by Roberto Cavalli
dress by Chanel, shoes by Paula Cademartor
Worst Dressed: UMA THURMAN
gown by Armani Privé
I saw many a blogger hail this as genius. It is not genius. It is a poorly-cropped button down over an evening gown, with terrible hair and equally bad shoes. Stop smoking meth, everyone.
The festival may be over, but Cannes coverage lives on forever.