Alright, dear readers. Hollywood’s biggest night finally comes to a close.
Best Dressed: ELLEN POMPEO
jumpsuit by Azzaro, purse by Jimmy Choo, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Whaaaat? Meredith Grey, of all people? I’ve never known Ellen Pompeo to have a big footprint on the red carpet, but that was before she hit the Oscars party circuit in this divine jumpsuit. Now, I’m reevaluating everything I thought I knew about the universe. Because this is undeniably awesome.
Runner-Up: ALLISON WILLIAMS
gown by Jean-Louis Sabaji, jewelry by Forevermark, shoes by Christian Louboutin
She gets my “most improved” sticker, after her disappointing gown from earlier in the night. I love the weird petaled skirt, and the pared-down styling to let the boldness of the dress do the talking.
Honorable Mention: GRETA GERWIG
gown and purse by Christian Dior, jewelry by Tiffany & Co.
Love. The checkered purse was a perfect choice.
gown by Ronald van der Kemp, purse by Judith Leiber
I’m here for the sheer weirdness, the pockets, the shape and length of those sleeves, and just everything about the vibe of this dress. The lipstick is wrong, but everything else really pops.
gown by Ralph & Russo, jewelry by Anita Ko, shoes by Stuart Weitzman
Gorgeous. Wish she’d saved it for Cannes. Something about a sheer cape sleeve and a breezy oceanic color just screams “mega-fancy film festival on the French Riviera” to me.
gown by Ralph Lauren
Props for the Time’s Up tattoo; points deducted for forgetting the apostrophe. Hermione would NEVER. (Don’t worry, the tattoo is temporary.) Anyway, the dress is awesome, but I will never stop hating those bangs.
gown by Armani Privé, jewelry by John Hardy
suit by Alexandre Vauthier, jewelry by Bulgari
Power suit + statement necklace = unbeatable combo.
gown by Atelier Versace
Objectively, I know I should hate this, but Paris Jackson might be the only woman alive capable of pulling this off. I kind of love that you can’t tell what’s a tattoo and what’s the dress. The shoulder pieces are amazing, and her makeup is incredible. In any case, I’ll take a not-perfectly-executed risk like this one over a boring dress any day of the week.
gown by Prada, purse by Tyler Ellis
A tad on the ordinary side, but Gabrielle makes it shine.
gown by Andrew Gn, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
I actually think this dress is really lovely, especially the color, but the hair and makeup are all wrong.
B.J. NOVAK and MINDY KALING
gown by Prabal Gurung, purse by Roger Vivier
I swear, that sparkle-buckle Roger Vivier purse has been on every red carpet for the last decade. I think I was sick of it in like, 2013. And even if it weren’t Hollywood’s most overworn accessory, it wouldn’t really go with this dress.
gown by Valentino
Hipster-chic, or weird Ambien nightmare?
dress by Redemption, earrings by Lorraine Schwartz, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I just rolled my eyes so hard, I think they got stuck up there.
gown by Schiaparelli
Um… what? And also, why? But most of all – what?!
dress by Zuhair Murad, shoes by Stuart Weitzman
Not right for the venue, and the styling doesn’t work.
gown by Oscar de la Renta
Those bangs are so terrible, I actually find myself hoping they’re clip-ons, just to spare Jaime some very awkward months of growing them out.
gown by Ralph & Russo
A model in a sheer bedazzled gown. How revolutionary.
Well, to be fair, if I had that ass, I’d never put it away either.
dress by Nina Ricci, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
She looks like a melted Barbie doll.
romper by Saint Laurent
Weirdly enough, the romper could have actually worked! But unfortunately, St. Vincent appears to be part centaur, and that’s not really working with the rest of this aesthetic.
gown by La Perla, jewelry by Neil Lane, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Again, I was sick of Lea’s extra-plunging, extra-wide, extra-sternum-displaying necklines at least five years ago. There is nothing wrong with a plunging neckline! But the way she stretches these out to be as wide and unflattering and confusing as possible is painful to my eyeballs.
suit by Ermanno Scervino
It’s rare I hate a suit, but I hate this suit. The shirt underneath is terrible and the embellishments on the sides of the pants are distracting.
Worst Dressed: ZOOEY DESCHANEL
No comment. If she’s not going to bother trying, why should I?