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ELIZABETH BANKS vs. COBIE SMULDERS
Elizabeth: Hello, March Fabbers! Effie Trinket is here, so let the 3rd Annual March Fabness battle begin, and may the odds be ever in your favor!
Cobie: Robin Scherbatsky prefers to keep things a little more NYC-chic, but I’m sure someone appreciates your over-the-top Capitol fashions.
Elizabeth: Right! Over-the-top fashions are why I’m awesome and going to defeat you easily. Oh, and you’re boring.
Cobie: I prefer understated, actually. And you can drop the attitude, Sparkles.
Elizabeth: Sparkles? Why Sparkles? Aren’t you Robin Sparkles?
Cobie: Yes, but have you seen yourself? You’re glimmering more than a stripper’s body glitter, for God’s sake.
Elizabeth: Why, thank you! One of Effie Trinket’s Laws of Fashion is to never leave the house unless at least 83% of your body is covered in something shiny.
Cobie: Oh, so THAT’S why you always dress like a drag queen! That makes much more sense now.
Elizabeth: I’ve had enough of your sass, Canada. I dare you to out-dress me in orange formalwear.
Cobie: Challenge accepted.
KAROLINA KURKOVA vs. JULIANNE MOORE
Karolina: I’d greet you hello, Julianne, but it takes 100% of my focus to look this fierce and smize this hard while holding my tuxedo jacket with an iron grip.
Julianne: That actually does look like a lot of work. Why not let your hair down and gaze dazedly out into the ether, like me?
Karolina: No! I am a model! I am contractually obligated to smize at ALL TIMES!
Julianne: Fine, fine. I’m just saying, you can be fabulous and laid-back, like moi!
Karolina: Fine, darling, I’ll try it your way. Look, I’m actually smiling, and my gown is flowy and breathable!
Julianne: Ha! I’ve tricked you into smiling so that I can steal your serious model-face! You really are as dumb as you look, you know.
Karolina: How dare you! Who the hell are you to give me such an attitude, Miss Thing?
Julianne: I was totally joking, but since I’ve clearly hit on a sensitive issue, I suppose I’ll apologize. But only because I like your dress and it would sound really insincere if I was making fun of you while I said that.
Karolina: Of course you like my dress, darling. I’m a model. My JOB is to make you like whatever I’m wearing.
Julianne: Yes, but I do that for free. And by “for free,” I mean for the total cost of this gown and all its accessories, which probably totals in the tens of thousands of dollars. But I digress.
ANDREW GARFIELD vs. CHLOË MORETZ
Andrew: So this is March Fabness, hm? I sure hope me and Emma Stone don’t get matched up against each other, or that will make for some awkward dates!
Chloë: Seriously? I actually thought you two were just faking it for the cameras. Is that still a thing?
Andrew: Of course it’s “still a thing!” We’re like, redefining hipster cuteness!
Chloë: Yeah, I really don’t think that’s true.
Andrew: But what’s the point in wearing all this plaid if I can’t redefine hipster cuteness?
Chloë: I don’t know, I just know I’d like you a lot more if you stopped using the word “hipster” to describe yourself.
Andrew: Well, that’s fair. But I won’t stop wearing plaid. That’s an absolute dealbreaker.
Chloë: I would never DREAM of asking you to give up plaid. I know better than to think you’d even be capable of such a thing.
Andrew: You’re not so bad, you know. You clearly have a strong appreciation for color, because you and I are rocking the same shade of cranberry. Do you want to be shopping buddies?
Chloë: Totally! I mean, you’re like kind of old, but you look like an overgrown child, and I’m fabulous beyond my years, so maybe we should be shopping buddies!
BEYONCE KNOWLES vs. DAKOTA FANNING
Beyonce: Hi, Dakota! Are you ready for a fun and fabulous competition?
Dakota: Why, of course I am! And can I just say, Beyonce, I didn’t expect you to be so nice and polite!
Beyonce: Dakota, I am literally a superhero. I’m technically no longer mortal, since I use unicorn blood as conditioner. Why on earth would I waste all this fabulousness on being mean to people?
Dakota: Um, that unicorn shit sounds kind of fucked up, actually. You’re kidding, right?
Beyonce: You’ve got a lot to learn about celebrity cure-alls, little girl. If you’re not stockpiling unicorn blood for hair shininess and phoenix claws for general luminescence, you’re doing it wrong.
Dakota: Wow. That sounds disgusting – and I was in Twilight. So I know a little something about disgusting.
Beyonce: Fair point, Dakota. And might I congratulate you on your ability to shimmer and sparkle like a diva? I mean, you’re no me, but you’re getting there.
Dakota: Yes. And this look was brought to you 100% unicorn blood and phoenix claw-free.
Beyonce: Well, if you’re going to get sassy about it, allow me to pull out the big Givenchy guns and destroy you in the blink of an eye.
Dakota: I’ve got Gucci on my side, Bey. Bring it on.
© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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