CATE BLANCHETT vs. DITA VON TEESE
CATE: I so do not have time for a fashion battle today. Can we just get this over with and crown me the winner already?
DITA: Do you see the massive stink-eye I’m giving you right now? What, you think winning an Oscar makes you automatically better than everyone else?
CATE: No, of course not. But winning two Oscars does.
DITA: You don’t need any awards at all to dress like an old Hollywood movie star. I mean, have you seen me?
CATE: I have. And to be honest, I’m not particularly impressed.
DITA: No? Well, just wait until I kick your uptight little ass in this battle, and then we’ll see just how impressive I am.
CATE: I don’t think you understand who you’re dealing with. I’m wearing some sort of abstract watercolor silk bedsheet AND I STILL LOOK FUCKING AMAZING. You’re just not at a level where you can compete with the likes of me.
DITA: Hm? Sorry, I wasn’t listening. I’m too busy eye-fucking the shit out of this camera lens and practicing my signature “What, this old thing? Just something unstoppably fabulous that I had lying around” face.
CATE: Your confidence is positively adorable, Dita. Now it’s time to surrender. Your March Fabness career ends here.
DITA: You can take my life, but you cannot take my Fabness.
EMMA ROBERTS vs. OLGA KURLYENKO
EMMA: Olga, I’ve always wondered – what’s it like to be a Bond girl?
OLGA: I get free Chanel clothes. There is no greater job perk than that.
EMMA: Amen, sister. Also, do you think I could pull off a chartreuse dress like yours?
OLGA: No. And definitely not with that hair.
EMMA: What’s wrong with my hair?!
OLGA: Well, the bob is fine. But the longer you grow it, the faker those terrible blonde highlights look.
EMMA: How dare you! I just naturally have chocolate-brown roots and sunflower-yellow tips!
OLGA: That’s not a thing.
EMMA: Well, whatever. It’s irrelevant, because I have this fierce bob now, and that guy standing behind me can’t even handle how fabulous I look.
OLGA: Talk to me when you’re actually invited to the Oscars, and not just an after-party, okay, sweetheart?
KATE MARA vs. EMILIA CLARKE
KATE: I will never be able to recognize you without white-blonde hair and a baby dragon draped around your shoulders.
EMILIA: And I’ll never be able to recognize you without Frank Underwood’s dick in your mouth.
KATE: That was really unnecessarily vulgar, Emilia. I expected better manners from the rightful heir to the Iron Throne.
EMILIA: Really? You must not know a lot about Westerosi history, because its rulers are not really known for their manners.
KATE: Well, are they known for sharing fabulous shoes? Because you and I should definitely be able to trade our Charlotte Olympias when we’re in the mood for something new.
EMILIA: I’m hoping to soon be famous enough to have a free pair of Charlotte Olympias in every color and style, but for now, I’d be down for such an arrangement.
KATE: Until then, let’s agree to share our B-lister shoe collections, shall we?
EMILIA: I’m all in. But you can keep those chunky round-toed pumps.
KATE: Fine. What do you think you are, some kind of faux-punk prom queen?
EMILIA: Um, I’m at the punk-themed Met Gala. So, yes. That’s kind of the point.
ELIZABETH BANKS vs. HAILEE STEINFELD
ELIZABETH: You’re awfully chic for such a young lady, Hailee. I can’t imagine I had a fraction of your style when I was seventeen.
HAILEE: Well, in your defense, you probably hadn’t already been on the red carpet for a few years when you were seventeen. After awhile, style just kind of comes with the territory. And by that I mean, stylists just kind of come with the territory.
ELIZABETH: Too true, Ms. Steinfeld. Don’t you find it hilarious when stars pretend to take credit for their own fashion choices? As if they have any say in the matter whatsoever?
HAILEE: Oh, it’s beyond hilarious. Like anyone believes that bullshit anyway.
ELIZABETH: Right? Who among us would even have time to style ourselves, anyway?
HAILEE: I barely had time to sit through this red-and-blue manicure, let alone make the decision to get the matchy-matchy manicure in the first place.
ELIZABETH: Exactly. For instance, I doubt the fact that your cat-printed coat matches the backdrop at the event you’re attending is mere coincidence.
HAILEE: Like I’d even wear a cat-print unless someone told me to. Who else but a stylist would ever think of wearing a cat-print?
ELIZABETH: God only knows, Hailee. But we smile and pose and wear what we’re told, and in Hollywood, that’s all that matters.