MICHELLE DOCKERY vs. CAREY MULLIGAN
MICHELLE: Carey, you’re positively darling, and a wonderful actress. But your wardrobe is just too boring to compete with mine.
CAREY: It’s classic, not boring. And you’re not exactly reinventing the fashion wheel yourself, Michelle.
MICHELLE: At least I have a bit of fun with my personal style. Is this the only dress you’ve worn this year that isn’t black or white?
CAREY: Who knew a stuck-up princess like Lady Mary could be so sassy about monochromatic clothing?
MICHELLE: First of all, Lady Mary is not a princess. She’s a Lady. IT’S RIGHT THERE IN HER NAME. And second, I have no problem with monochromatics, as long as you wear them in an interesting way.
CAREY: And my little tuxedo isn’t interesting enough for you? Posh Spice designed it; what more could you want?
MICHELLE: Well, you could consider styling your hair or putting on some makeup when under the harsh bright lights of the cameras. It would help you avoid looking like a corpse.
CAREY: But corpse-chic is in this year! Everyone says so!
MICHELLE: Um, ew. That’s just gross. And also a complete lie.
CAREY: Whatever. I’m wearing lipstick. Can you leave me alone now?
HELEN MIRREN vs. KIERNAN SHIPKA
HELEN: Alright, sweetheart. I’m the oldest March Fabness competitor; you’re the youngest. I’m sure you think that gives you some sort of advantage, but –
KIERNAN: OMG, Helen! Did you know you’re fifty-four years older than me? That’s like, an entire already-old-person older than me!
HELEN: Ahem. Yes. I suppose that’s true, but –
KIERNAN: Do you know that means you were my age – fourteen – in 1959?! That’s before the first season of Mad Men is set! That’s like, literally ancient history!
HELEN: Well, I suppose to someone as young as you, it might seem –
KIERNAN: So, like, I play a 1960s kid on TV, and if Sally Draper grew up and like still existed now, YOU’D STILL BE OLDER THAN HER!
HELEN: Yes. I understand how math works. Now please, would you kindly shut the fuck up about our age gap?
KIERNAN: You brought it up! I’m just sharing fun facts!
HELEN: Yes, well, I think we’ve had enough “sharing” and “fun” for one day.
KIERNAN: Ugh. Whatever. I’m over this. You’re old and mean.
ASHLEY MADEKWE vs. KERRY WASHINGTON
ASHLEY: ZOMG OLIVIA POPE IS PREGNANT!!!!!! Is that a Fitz baby, or a Jake Ballard baby? PLEASE SAY JAKE BALLARD.
KERRY: … What the fuck is wrong with you?
ASHLEY: I just fucking love Scandal! I want to be a white-hat-wearing gladiator too!
KERRY: Um, okay. But Olivia Pope isn’t pregnant – I am.
ASHLEY: Is that, like, a riddle? Am I supposed to hack into some CIA files to figure out what that means? Is the head of B-613 even allowed to have a baby? PLEASE TELL ME IT’S JAKE’S.
KERRY: I don’t even know how to talk to you.
ASHLEY: You should just know that Fitz is the fucking worst, his Vermont dreams are bullshit, and you should obviously have this baby with the super-sexy Jake Ballard.
KERRY: Fine. Whatever. Are we done yet?
ASHLEY: You can’t really expect me to believe you’re not Olivia pope. You’re wearing white. That’s like, her signature color.
KERRY: Yeah, she’s definitely the only woman on the planet who wears white, you fucking moron. I think we’re done here.
OLIVIA PALERMO vs. ZOE SALDANA
OLIVIA: I must say, it’s a relief to be up against a fashionista who even comes close to matching my level of fabulousness. I know it’s only Round 2, but there are still far too many basic bitches here for my liking.
ZOE: Oh, that’s funny. I actually think you are one of those basic bitches. But it’s absolutely adorable that you consider us equals, Olivia, it really is.
OLIVIA: Me? Basic? Have you even met me? I’m front row at basically every major fashion show, every single season. Who the fuck are you?
ZOE: I’m a fucking movie star. Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for you.
OLIVIA: What, you think a few major blockbuster hits will make us forget that you were in Crossroads with Britney Spears? WE WILL NEVER FORGET.
ZOE: I will never be able to live that shit down. Listen, it was 2002, I hadn’t done much since Center Stage, and I needed a fucking job, okay? And clearly, it didn’t ruin me, since I’m way more famous now than I was back then.
OLIVIA: Crossroads might not have ruined you, but it certainly ruined all of us who had to watch it.
ZOE: I take no responsibility for that. Put that shit on Britney’s plate, not mine.
OLIVIA: Whatever. I guess it doesn’t matter, since I’ll be murdering your ass in this battle anyway.
ZOE: Oh, Olivia. I would simply love to see you try.