Let’s get this bitchfest started.
LILY COLLINS in London
gown by Solace London, shoes by Charlotte Olympia
Lily Collins is back on the red carpet, and I am thrilled. She’s got some of the best eyebrows in the business. (My celebrity Eyebrow Rankings are as follows: 1. Cara Delevingne, 2. Peter Gallagher, 3. Lily Collins.) And she’s always wearing black, white, or red gowns with cut-outs and sexy backless detailing, but somehow I never get sick of them. Even the shoes aren’t bothering me, and you know how I feel about that matchy-matchy bridesmaid shit. Let’s take a look at the back:
It’s a surprising shape, that back cut-out. I’m kind of obsessed with the combination of the long sleeves and the turtleneck with the exposed back, even though there is like no temperature in which it makes sense to wear this. But whatever. When you’re famous, you can pay people to carry around a space heater perfectly sized to warm just the middle of your back.
EMILY BLUNT at the BFI London Film Festival
gown by Roland Mouret
Serving up Creamsicle realness, which I did not know was a thing until right now.
MARION COTILLARD in New York City
coat, blouse, shorts, and shoes by Christian Dior
Is it weird that I love this? Maybe, but I’m standing by this strangely shaped coat, the textured shorts, and the IDGAF makeup. The pointy pumps elevate the look, but they don’t look out of place with the outfit’s casual vibe. Still, this should probably be filed under “don’t try this at home unless you’re French.”
KRISTEN STEWART in New York City
dress by J. Mendel
Kristen Stewart is being forced to put on heels and promote her new movie, so you can look forward to a whole lot of that facial expression over the next few weeks. Color me surprised, but I actually think the hair, makeup, and dress are REALLY working. The eyeliner matching the blue-green color of her eyes is pretty fucking captivating, and this print is a dream on her. She’s still standing like she has a peg leg, because this girl just straight-up refuses to learn to pose, but all things considered, I’m kind of loving this.
JENA MALONE in New York City
gown and purse by Valentino
Nothing brightens my day like Jena Malone. Her style can be divisive, but she is NEVER boring, and as a person who has to come up with shit to say about celebrity fashion on a regular basis, I FUCKING LOVE THAT ABOUT HER. Also, she has that “fuck off, I’m fabulous” attitude that makes her able to easily pull off outfits that would make other celebrities look like mental patients. Case in point: those granny panties, which I would probably be bitching about on anyone else, but on her? Fantastic. The not-quite-matching blue purse, shoes, and eyeliner were strokes of styling genius. Nobody does “weird in the good way” better than Jena.
JENA MALONE in New York City
dress by Thom Browne, purse by Lee Savage
Funky and sexy, yet somehow demure. Who’s joining me in a Jena Malone movie marathon this weekend? And by that I mean I’m probably just watching Saved! and The Hunger Games: Catching Fire over and over again because Stepmom is too depressing.
DEMI LOVATO in Los Angeles
top and skirt by Philip Armstrong, purse and shoes by Saint Laurent
Demi Lovato has never looked happier, healthier, or more chic. It’s a simple look, but it’s fun and mega-flattering and just makes her look like a girl I want to hang with. And I’m kind of a bitch, so if I want to hang with you, you must be pretty awesome.
LEIGHTON MEESTER at the Mill Valley Film Festival
top and pants by Narciso Rodriguez, shoes by Brian Atwood
I NEED THOSE PANTS IN MY LIFE IMMEDIATELY. Also, the pop of blue in the waistband paired with the blue shoe is flawless.
BONNIE WRIGHT at the BFI London Film Festival
dress by Christian Dior
Darling Ginny Weasley usually looks like a hot disaster on the red carpet, but I’m thinking she hired a new stylist or got a partial lobotomy. She’s wearing one of my favorite looks from Dior’s fall 2014 collection (this was actually my red carpet prediction for Jennifer Lawrence), and she’s looking pretty damn good in it. The purse and shoes seem a little bit random, but not so much that they’re distracting from the excellent dress. Someone give her a “most improved” button and a big hug.
HILARY SWANK in Los Angeles
dress by Nicholas Oakwell, shoes by Gianvito Rossi
Hate the length; love everything else about this. I think a tea-length dress that has a narrow, tailored skirt is usually a bad idea. If the skirt poofed out even slightly, it would make that length look infinitely less awkward.
NAOMI WATTS in New York City
dress by Jason Wu, purse by Lee Savage, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I have to adjust my laptop screen to a blinding level of brightness in order to really see this dress, because the detailing is almost invisible. I do love it, but I also wish it were in an actual color so that we could appreciate it a bit more. And I hate that Gwyneth Paltrow basic bitch hair. Naomi, you can do better than that.
LEA MICHELE in Los Angeles
dress by Cushnie et Ochs, shoes by Chelsea Paris
The fact that this dress is ever-so-slightly askew is bothering the shit out of me, but I’m still a big fan of this gorgeous teal velvet fabric. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be thrilled if I never had to see Lea Michele’s sternum or upper thigh again, but this delicious little dress was my red carpet prediction for Lily Collins, so I’m biased in its favor.
SARAH PAULSON in Los Angeles
dress by Zac Posen
I love excellent tailoring, and funky shapes, and cape inspirations, yet somehow the combination of all of that is not even remotely working on Sarah Paulson. I think it looks very severe and bizarre on her – and she’s one who can pull off some outside-the-box stuff. But something about the combination of the seams and the shape of that skirt is just off-putting to me.
CHLOË MORETZ in Los Angeles
top and skirt by Donna Karan, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Sorry, Chloë. Your outfit is fine, but those faux-naked shoes that just look like your feet are being eaten by shadows are maybe the worst thing to happen to footwear since the rise of flatforms.
GWYNETH PALTROW in Los Angeles
dress by Versace, shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood
Because it’s always summer when you’re Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s also always 2001.
GWYNETH PALTROW in Los Angeles
dress by Roland Mouret, shoes by Paul Andrew
The dress is nice enough, though a bit of a bore. And the shoes – well, they just make me angry that I already used my “worst thing to happen since flatforms” line in this post.
DIANE KRUGER in New York City
dress by Michael van der Ham, shoes by Christian Dior
She loves those pink and black Dior sandals, but someone needs to remind Diane that 1) they really do not go with everything, and 2) she has an infinite amount of shoes at her disposal and should maybe switch things up once in a blue moon. Also, I’m usually on board for whatever weirdness Diane is serving up, but this just feels more awkward and random than anything else.
BELLA THORNE in Los Angeles
gown by Alberta Ferretti, shoes by Stuart Weitzman
Orange is not the new black. Because black looks good on everyone, and Bella Thorne is living proof that orange does not.
MEGAN FOX in Berlin
gown by David Koma, shoes by Brian Atwood
Wow, that wax replica of Megan Fox almost looks human, doesn’t it?
ELLE FANNING at the Mill Valley Film Festival
gown by Rochas
It’s not terrible, and it’s not great. It’s the most nothing look I’ve ever seen. C’mon, Elle! Where is your weird baby-hippie ethereal-wind-goddess aesthetic? It wasn’t perfect, but at least it was worth discussing. This? This just makes me sad.