I hope you’re ready for a metric shit-ton of models in terrible outfits.
JOAN SMALLS at the Youth premiere
top and skirt by Azzedine Alaïa
Joan Smalls is so other-worldly fabulous, she’s almost making me forget she’s wearing granny panties and some fishing net. Almost.
KARLIE KLOSS at the Youth premiere
gown by Louis Vuitton
Karlie deserves better, and double-sided slits are the work of the devil.
DOUTZEN KROES at the Youth premiere
gown by Mugler
Does every dress have to be held together with grommets, string, and a prayer? I’m all for showing skin, but this has been an exhaustingly nude film festival.
RACHEL WEISZ at the Youth premiere
gown by Prada
I could have loved the color, but in this shiny fabric, it’s screaming 80s prom, and it’s screaming it LOUD.
IRINA SHAYK at the Sicario premiere
gown by Versace, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Those straps are insane and also completely ugly.
LI YUCHUN at the Little Prince premiere
jumpsuit by Jean Paul Gaultier
Points for creativity, but no. She looks like the love child of Cruella De Vil and Victor/Victoria, except not awesome.
NATALIA VODIANOVA at the Calvin Klein party
gown by Calvin Klein
Please, fashion gods, hear my prayer: don’t let heroin chic be back in style.
EVA LONGORIA at the Inside Out premiere
gown by Gabriela Cadena
Dear Hollywood: we know you have a butt. We will still know you have a butt even if we cannot see it at all times. So maybe sometimes you could just not show your butt! Just occasionally. Like at formal events, or family barbecues.
KENDALL JENNER at the Youth premiere
top and skirt by Azzedine Alaïa, jewelry by Chopard
This is a perforated disaster, and all the diamonds in the world can’t save it.
PETRA NEMCOVA at the Youth premiere
gown by Zuhair Murad, jewelry by Chopard
It’ll take less time to discuss what I DON’T hate about this look, which is pretty much just her hair.
PETRA NEMCOVA at the Sicario premiere
gown by Zuhair Murad, jewelry by Chopard, purse by Paula Cademartori
There should be laws against this neckline. Not because it’s revealing, but because it is the most unflattering thing I’ve ever laid eyes upon.
ANJA RUBIK at the Youth premiere
gown by Atelier Versace
I wish I could look at that hair and see anything but Cameron Diaz in There’s Something About Mary, but alas. I cannot. And now, neither can you.
LARA STONE at the Youth premiere
gown by Gianni Versace
Only the top half of each of her breasts actually fits in this thing. That’s not a good start, and it only gets more unfortunate from there.
NATASHA POLY at the Carol premiere
gown by Atelier Versace
Oh, cool, so we’re just wearing bedazzled leotards and some straight-off-the-rod curtains haphazardly belted around our hips? Great. Awesome. That doesn’t sound like the worst idea in fashion history at ALL.
JANE FONDA at the Youth premiere
gown by Schiaparelli
Even Jane Fonda is not Jane Fonda enough to pull this off.
SONAM KAPOOR at the Inside Out premiere
gown by Elie Saab
Trend alert: Big Bird drag impersonators are all the rage this summer. Dress accordingly.