Welcome to the amfAR Gala, or as it will now be known, Shameless Sideboob for a Good Cause!
Best Dressed: MELISSA GEORGE
gown by Schiaparelli, purse by Roger Vivier
Starlight, star bright, first starlet I rank tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, bring the old Hollywood glamour queen realness that Melissa George brings tonight.
Runner-Up: CHANEL IMAN
gown by Zuhair Murad, purse by Edie Parker
Sideboob Factor: 5/10. Inner side boob is still side boob, after all.
Overall Performance: Disney princess fierceness for days and days. The cascading white embellishments are just to die for.
Honorable Mention: KARLIE KLOSS
gown by Tom Ford, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Sideboob Factor: 10/10. That is the most perfect side of a boob I’ve ever seen.
Overall Performance: Futuristic, effortlessly cool, impossibly glam.
gown by Maison Margiela
Sideboob Factor: 1/10. There’s a glimmer of it, though!
Overall Performance: She looks a thousand feet tall and utterly magnificent. The “just had sex on a Monaco beach” hair is fantastic as well.
suit by Salvatore Ferragamo
Sideboob Factor: 0/10, needs more sideboob.
Overall Performance: I want to lick his beard.
gown by Jean Paul Gaultier
Sideboob Factor: 0/10, because French actors are too sophisticated for sideboob.
Overall Performance: I don’t know what I love more – this color, her necklace, or the fact that she’s FINALLY not wearing Dior.
gown by Vionnet
Sideboob Factor: 0/10, because Zoe is too cool for basic bitch things like ‘trends.’
Overall Performance: I have a huge, huge style crush on her. She brings a one-of-a-kind casual glamour to everything she wears.
DITA VON TEESE
dress by Ulyana Sergeenko
Sideboob Factor: *cartoon character with its eyes popping out, accompanied by the noise A-WOOGA, A-WOOGA*
Overall Performance: I love the truly bizarre print, the unique shape, and the jaw-dropping necklace. The platforms make me sad, though.
gown by Elie Saab
Sideboob Factor: Like the other Serious Actors/People Who Don’t Walk on a Runway for a Living, Aishwarya neglected the sideboob trend.
Overall Performance: A basic dress in a breathtaking color.
gown by Elie Saab, jewelry by Chopard
Sideboob Factor: 5/10. Her neckline plunges practically to her navel, and she was still more covered up than half the women at this event.
Overall Performance: I’m not a fan of the mullet skirt, and I could not find a single photo where she was not lifting the skirt up. But the print is undeniably awesome.
gown by Alexis Mabille, jewelry by Harry Winston
Sideboob Factor: 2½/10, with the extra half coming from her right boob.
Overall Performance: A nice color, and I adore the pockets, but things get kind of sloppy in the middle there.
dress by Chanel, shoes by Gianvito Rossi
Sideboob Factor: N/A, Serious Actor here.
Overall Performance: Not nearly formal or memorable enough.
gown by Givenchy
Sideboob Factor: 4/10.
Overall Performance: I don’t love the shoulder cut-outs and I damn near hate the shoes, but she makes even ordinary outfits look incredible.
MARY J BLIGE
gown by Versace
Sideboob Factor: 1/10, but she makes up for it with top-boob.
Overall Performance: I think the art deco beading on this dress is so magnificent, I’m keeping it in mind for my wedding. But the yellow nails are killing me.
gown by Saint Laurent
Sideboob Factor: 11/10. She’s a sneeze away from being topless on the red carpet.
Overall Performance: Not the most interesting gown in the world, but the neckline definitely brings the drama.
gown by Vera Wang, jewelry by Chopard, purse by Christian Louboutin
Sideboob Factor: 2/10, with sideboob downsized in favor of that celebrity-beloved but Diva-loathed cut-out just under her cleavage.
Overall Performance: Hate the sternum cut-out and the mermaid shape; love the color and the draping.
gown by Ralph Lauren, jewelry by Swarovski, purse by Nathalie Trad
Sideboob Factor: 6/10.
Overall Performance: It apparently took 700 hours to embroider this gown with all those beads… and what a waste of time that was, when the gown doesn’t even fit her.
gown by Calvin Klein, jewelry by Chopard
Sideboob Factor: 6/10, which is surprisingly tame for a Kardashian.
Overall Performance: Too casual, and I’m not a fan of the styling.
gown by Marchesa, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Sideboob Factor: N/A, because Rita’s breasts are in the process of transforming into wilted roses.
Overall Performance: Tacky and dated.
gown by Dsquared²
Sideboob Factor: 0/10. At least one model managed to escape this trend!
Overall Performance: This looks like a late-season Project Runway entry, and there is no worse insult than that.
gown by Alexandre Vauthier, jewelry by Chopard, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Sideboob Factor: 3/10, cleavage game on fleek.
Overall Performance: Stop wearing bracelets over sleeves, Hollywood. You look dumb.
gown by Georges Hobeika
Sideboob Factor: 4/10, because Eva Longoria didn’t get the memo that the actresses all decided they were too cool for sideboob.
Overall Performance: This is the world’s ugliest lingerie.
gown by Tom Ford, shoes by Aquazzura
Sideboob Factor: ∞/10.
Overall Performance: Good LORD, this is difficult to look at.
gown and shoes by Atelier Versace, jewelry by Harry Winston
Sideboob Factor: Her boobs don’t seem to have sides, as they are perfectly concentric circles.
Overall Performance: This is Jennifer-Lopez-performing-in-Vegas levels of tacky.
Worst Dressed: LINDSEY WIXSON
Sideboob Factor/Overall Performance: Irrelevant. Little Black Riding Bra is just trying to find her way to grandmother’s house before she trips over her hideous skirt.