I swear, I’ll get this blog back to covering events that actually happened this month.
Best Dressed: KATY PERRY
gown by Marchesa, jewelry by Harry Winston
Aight, it’s not every woman who can wear foot-wide sleeves made of flower petals and not look like she’s being held hostage by an extremely aggressive florist. But for Katy, who is capable of true red carpet magic but too often half-asses her gimmicks, I think this works stupendously. Keeping the styling slick, sleek, and glam was a great move, from the hair to the lips to those earrings that are probably worth the combined student loan debt of everyone I know.
Runner-Up: NATASHA POLY
gown by Roberto Cavalli
I know, I know, this is pretty much the only gown models wear anymore. But if you’re going to go for the trend, you better nail it 1000% percent, which Natasha definitely accomplished. I think the bell-bottomed sleeve really ties this whole thing together for me. It’s just the right kind of detail that makes you forget that this is practically a uniform for runway models right now. Plus, when you have an accessory as fantastic as those cheekbones, it’s hard to go wrong. And it looks like it has glittery snakes. I support glittery snakes.
Honorable Mention: KARLIE KLOSS
gown by Marchesa, jewelry by Marchesa, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
I know, I’m usually too busy cheering on some over-the-top weirdness to give a lot of love to subtlety. But if you’re gonna go minimal, this is how you do it. (I.e., with enough diamonds that it can’t possibly qualify as “minimal.”)
gown by Valentino
That choker/belt/harness thing is a disaster of truly epic proportions, but I love the peacock skirt so much that I’m trying VERY hard not to care.
gown by Chanel, shoes by Jimmy Choo
The styling is only okay, but that dress is truly a work of art. And, unlike most of the outfits in this post, it really doesn’t look like many dresses I’ve seen before.
gown by Marchesa
Overall, I think this is kind of great. But I also think there’s a fine line between fishnets and literally being trapped in a fish net. I hope Bumblebee Tuna has a policy against including supermodel meat in their canned tuna.
gown by Elie Saab
This kind of looks like window dressing on a Gatsby mansion, but who am I to say that’s a bad thing?
gown by Temperley London, jewelry by Harry Winston, purse by Jimmy Choo
idiots: WOMEN OVER 60 CAN’T GO SHEER!
queen helen: lolforever
other idiots: WOMEN OVER 60 CAN’T SHOW CLEAVAGE
queen helen: hahahahah u dum
even more idiots: WOMEN OVER 60 HAVE TO DRESS EXACTLY THE WAY I TELL THEM TO BECAUSE I HAVE A PROBLEM SIMPLY ALLOWING WOMEN TO AGE AND REMAIN THEMSELVES
queen helen: peace out bros
gown by Galvan for Opening Ceremony, earrings by Chanel
That bodice is straight art deco FIRE, but I don’t understand why it’s tacked onto that pale blue Disney-On-Ice skirt.
gown by Armani Privé
I like the texture of that tulle, but the combination of the silhouette and the black color make this look like a giant misshapen ball of fabric.
gown by Dsquared2
Been there, done that, over it.
dress by Christian Dior, jewelry by Chopard
Not formal enough for a gala. Love the coat, but would love it even more if I never had to see a celebrity with a coat draped over her shoulders instead of WORN ON HER SLEEVES THE WAY COATS ARE MADE TO BE WORN again.
gown by Georges Chakra, earrings by Chopard
It’s not impossible to wear red and pink together without looking like a Valentine exploded all over you, but I can probably count on one hand the number of times this has been deployed successfully. This? This is not one of them.
suit by Chanel, jewelry by Fred Leighton
Weirdly stuffy and fussy. This is Kate Middleton at a funeral, not a Hollywood star at a Cannes gala.
dress by Elie Saab, jewelry by Piaget, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
gown by Miu Miu
For the eight thousandth time, you cannot pair a full glam gown with no discernible hair or makeup. You can go styling-free if your whole look is minimal, but a bejeweled gown means you better be wearing some fucking eyeliner.
dress and shoes by Tom Ford
You look like a 1960s Playboy bunny, except in a terrible way. This just sort of makes me cringe and go, “stop pouring cocktails for Don Draper and put some less hideous shoes on, please.”
gown by Redemption, shoes by Jimmy Choo
I honestly don’t know why she bothers with clothing anymore. It just seems wasteful, to know how much time and money goes into making a dress that covers absolutely nothing.
dress by Armani Privé, jewelry by Harry Winston, shoes by Tamara Mellon
It’s the wrong color, the wrong silhouette, the wrong size, the wrong styling… it might actually be harder to get this many things wrong than it is to get this many things right.
gown by Christian Dior
This is what you see when you google-image “basic.”
gown by Prada
This is by far the most hideous Christmas ornament I’ve ever seen.
jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
WHO IS STILL WEARING TURQUOISE JEWELRY ON THE RED CARPET?!
earrings by Chopard
The sartorial version of manic depression.
jewelry by Chopard
I know eight-year-olds who would look at this dress and be like, “ugh, bitch, GROW UP.”
Up Next: Democracy Diva takes on the Tony Awards. Stay tuned!
Respond to Cannes 2016: amfAR Gala