2016 MTV VMAs

Welcome back, motherfuckers!

RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE ALL STARS

sub-buzz-26195-1472426005-1

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

We live in a reboot culture where reality TV has become reality and anything dated by even a couple of years is worthy of a revival. With that in mind, it should be mandatory for the 2017 VMAs that every attendee wear an homage to a previous VMAs look.(If only because the rest of this post proves that no one attending this event has any fucking imagination anyway.) Thank the gawds for the cast of Rupaul’s Drag Race All Stars, who all (except Detox) donned VMAs looks of the past. I want to see how many of these references I can actually name without googling, so let’s play Name That Lewk!

  • Coco Montrese, werqing the shit out of the infamous Lil’ Kim pastie dress. You know, the one that prompted Diana Ross to jiggle Kim’s boob on television. (I swear, I remember the 1999 VMAs like they were yesterday. That boob jiggle was a formative moment for an 11-year-old girl. I don’t even think I knew boobs could DO that until that moment.)
  • Alyssa Edwards: I had to google this one. According to her twitter, she’s “serving Miss Britney Jean Spears realness, mawma!” I guess this could be an artful interpretation of Britney’s denim patchwork gown, and Alyssa looks spectacular, but it’s impossible to tell at a glance that she’s supposed to be Britney.
  • Roxxxy Andrews: Kim Kardashian, at a VMAs in the last three years. (Checked on google: it’s Kim at the 2014 show. Guys, I might be TOO good at this game.)
  • Phi Phi O’Hara in Lady Gaga’s meat dress. This was the free space in your Name That Lewk bingo card, readers.
  • Ginger Minj as me at my bachelorette party, which is also Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” lewk. I mean, you probably can’t even tell us apart.
  • Katya: My gut wants to say Sia, but I truly have no clue. Google tells me I’m right, but I can’t actually find the Sia look this specifically references. It doesn’t matter. Katya is still the best. (And so is Sia.)
  • Detox is dressed as herself. No homage required when you’re wearing a hat like that.
  • Tatianna had me stumped, but smarter bitches than me realized this was a pitch-perfect Aaliyah at the 2000 VMAs throwback.
  • Alaska is “I’m a Slave for You”-era Britney, but even better. Because she has TWO giant snakes. (Think about it.)

I scored 6 out of 8 in Name That Lewk, and I am proud. Now, let’s move onto Beyoncé, people who came out of Beyoncé, and then all the vastly less interesting people at this event.

BEYONCÉ KNOWLES and BLUE IVY CARTER
Bey’s gown by Francesco S
cognamiglio
Blue Ivy’s dress by Mischka Aoki, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

beyonce-zoom-f46c6b6d-9314-4eda-b7f3-527aac1b1a33

Photo: Kevin Mazur/WireImage

GODDESSES. I’m not even sure if I actually like what Bey is wearing, or if it’s irrelevant because she’s Beyoncé and she’s going to wear feathered wings that make her head look like it’s on stilts regardless of what we say. But I fully adore Blue Ivy’s entire ensemble, from the tiara to the FUCKING FABULOUS dress to the sneakers. I might as well just throw out my wedding dress and call my flower girl to let her know that this is our new wedding aesthetic.

BEYONCÉ KNOWLES
jumpsuit by Elie Saab

2016-mtv-video-music-awards-the-show-stage-performances-fashion-tom-lorenzo-site-4

Photo: Getty

Let’s just be real and say that the vulva-adjacent portion of this jumpsuit is a nightmare.

BEYONCÉ KNOWLES
gown by Yolan Cris

2016-mtv-video-music-awards-the-show-stage-performances-fashion-tom-lorenzo-site-6

Photo: Getty

Hideous bridal nightmare.

CHLOE BAILEY and HALLE BAILEY
ensembles by Rodarte

gettyimages-597194146

Photo: Getty

I’ve never heard their names before, but Chloe and Halle are very clearly the most interesting people attending this event. I may be too old to understand their face jewelry, but I’m not so old that I can’t recognize its coolness even while admitting I’m not cool enough to “get” it. And their clothes are straight-up fantastic. A fascinating girl can never go wrong in Rodarte.

JADEN SMITH
coat by Undercover

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

You can file this coat under “shit I don’t understand but I know I love.” It was really not that long ago that every man on every red carpet wore a black suit, unless he was like a member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and then he’d occasionally wear a dress just to be “hilarious.” The fact that we live in a world where Jaden Smith dresses like this actually makes me happy, even if that comes with the burden of having to hear about Jaden Smith’s tweets.

NICKI MINAJ
gown by Bao Tranchi

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage

We’ve seen her in about a half-dozen different incarnations of this dress. And if you tried to count the number of celebrities in sheer side-cut-out gowns over the last two years, you’d approach infinity. I still think she looks basically flawless, but not in a way that gives me any kind of joy or excitement.

ASHLEY GRAHAM
gown by Naeem Khan

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

Again, I’ve seen this dress too many times to be blown away by it, but I can’t deny she’s fucking gorgeous in it.

NICK JONAS
jacket by Louis Vuitton

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

I love this jacket and would wear it every goddamn day.

RIHANNA
gown by Alexandre Vauthier

2016-mtv-video-music-awards-the-show-stage-performances-fashion-tom-lorenzo-site-13

Photo: Getty

YAAAAS.

RIHANNA

2016-mtv-video-music-awards-the-show-stage-performances-fashion-tom-lorenzo-site-10

Photo: Getty

NOOOOO.

ALICIA KEYS
maxidress by Just Cavalli

alicia-keys-zoom-48c2d365-8bac-4772-86ad-72694aa8a397

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

Makeup-free Alicia is my favorite Alicia. I honestly had no idea how spectacularly beautiful she was until she stopped wearing makeup. (I knew she was gorgeous, but not like next-level other-worldly ethereal woodland nymph beautiful.) And she was smart to go with a boho-chic dress. There are some outfits that just look crazy if you don’t pair them with equivalently dramatic makeup. But a leaf-printed flowing maxidress is definitely the correct pairing for a bare, beautiful face.

AMBER ROSE

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

When did Amber Rose become the adult in the room? She looks downright elegant, but in a way that’s still youthful enough to be at the VMAs. Mazel tov, Amber.

ALY RAISMANMADISON KOCIANLAURIE HERNANDEZ, and SIMONE BILES
Simone’s dress by Sherri Hill

082816-vmas-olympians

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

FUCK YOU IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING NEGATIVE TO SAY ABOUT THESE AMERICAN HEROES THEY ARE FLAWLESS ALSO I’LL HELP THEM PICK OUT BETTER SHOES

CHANCE THE RAPPER

sub-buzz-25942-1472428622-10

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

I don’t know why this is happening, but I actually think this is weirdly chic. I know he’s wearing taupe overalls. But compared to the rest of the hot bullshit on this red carpet, I’m kind of okay with that! And I think the paint-splattered white denim jacket slung over his arm is cute and would also make Jon Bon Jovi proud.

Or maybe I’m drunk.

BRITNEY SPEARS
dress by Julien Macdonald

britneyspears-597563512

Photo: MTV

Some of you may not have been particularly cognizant about Britney’s shenanigans just under a decade ago, but I feel like all present-day opinions about Britney need to be filtered through the lens of 2007. What I mean by that is, yes, I’d probably write a paragraph of rage about this if anyone else were wearing it. But my standards for Britney are just, “does she look like she’s mentally healthy and safe?” And the answer is yes. Therefore, I have no complaints.

BRITNEY SPEARS

britney-spears9

Photo: Theo Wargo/Getty

This is a straight-up awesome performance look. MTV might have fucked her over by making her perform after Beyoncé, but at least she looks like an explosion of Vegas fabulosity. Not an aesthetic I’d recommend for most, but for Britney, it’s perfect.

HAILEE STEINFELD
dress by Balmain, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

Okay, that’s it. I think we’ve seen all the Balmain dresses we will ever need to see. THEY (clapping emoji) ARE (clapping emoji) ALL (clapping emoji) THE (clapping emoji) SAME.

HEIDI KLUM
dress by Roberto Cavalli, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

heidi-klum-zoom-bb0e115a-28e5-4729-91b8-228f849afd47

Photo: Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic

I’m not sure her aesthetic has changed even slightly in the last 15 years, but I don’t hate this dress as much as I do most of the garbage she wears. So that’s something.

HAILEY BALDWIN
jumpsuit by Georges Chakra, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

gettyimages-597194052

Photo: Getty

If you squint, it looks like she’s being attacked by flesh-eating bacteria, so that’s kind of fun.

JOJO
pants by Erika Cavallini

jojo-zoom-0f90981a-a286-4b7e-84d4-838073d65ca6

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

My mind is blown. Guys, did you know JOJO was still a thing?!

Also, I’d gladly die in a fire before wearing those pants, but she can almost pull them off. Almost. Maybe if she weren’t wearing a Mr. T bracelet over her sleeves.

QUVENZHANE WALLIS
jewelry by Erickson Beamon

082816-vmas-quvenzhane-wallis

Photo: Getty

She’s going to be embarrassed about this very soon. There is no child in the universe who could pull off this much STUFF. It’s too much look for any kid to pull off, with the possible exception of Blue Ivy and maybe Will Smith’s kids. Sorry, Q. I still love you!

HOLLAND RODEN
jumpsuit and cape by Kayat, shoes and purse by Stuart Weitzman

holland-roden-zoom-8551d168-3874-472e-b8ba-2de0fab57f21

Photo: Nicholas Hunt/FilmMagic

There’s a place on the red carpet for humorless intensity. It’s called front row at a Chanel show. The VMAs, in any iteration, in any generation, is the last place on earth I want to see your self-serious “look at my snobby alien wardrobe” bullshit. Also: I took a months-long blogging hiatus, and everyone is still wearing either sheer gowns or weird capes? That didn’t die yet? I guess the fashion industry needs me around to tell them to stop wearing stupid shit.

RITA ORA

ritaora-597560790

Photo: MTV

This might have worked five years ago, but now it just looks tired.

ANSEL ELGORT
coat and pants by Dior

sub-buzz-1731-1472431511-1

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

There is so much to say about exactly what makes this such a disaster – much of it involves the word “thirsty” and also some references to Rhythm Nation – but I think I can sum this whole thing up in five words: CERSEI LANNISTER WORE IT BETTER.

964958

ARIANA GRANDE
top and skirt by Alexander Wang

gettyimages-597563258

Photo: Getty

I have always loathed pretty much everything about Ariana Grande, though my biggest issues are with her complete and utter lack of elocution and her high ponytails. This just gives me so much more fuel for my fires of hatred. The bangs, the ombre ponytail, the peasant crop top, the world’s least flattering pants, the choker – I hate it all, my friends. I hate it all.

KIM KARDASHIAN and KANYE WEST
dress by John Galliano, shoes by Manolo Blahnik

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty

Uninteresting people wearing uninteresting clothes. Happy VMAs, everybody!


© Democracy Diva, 2016.
. facebook . twitter .

Advertisements

5 responses to 2016 MTV VMAs

  1. CaelumCouturier

    A part of me wonders what would happen if someone were to throw a lump of mad at Kanye’s shirt that he’s worn for the past century. It’d probably look nicer, if only because it’d be something different. Happy VMAs!

    • CaelumCouturier

      *mud. Though I suppose a lump of mad wouldn’t be too hard to find in Mr. West’s vicinity after the Taylor feud.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s