The Best Dressed

I honestly did not think I’d live to see the day that Mila Kunis topped my best dressed list, but this is proof that even the bitchiest Diva must admit when they’re wrong. This look is the textbook definition of red carpet GOLD. The hair walks that impossibly thin line between perfectly styled and completely relaxed. The makeup? Dramatic, yes, but she’s never looked more beautiful. And the dress. The DRESS. So few women know how to rock a beautiful, unique print on the red carpet. Mila in particular has always seemed afraid of prints, as evidenced by the array of LBDs (“little black dresses,” for my token straight male readers – yes, they exist!) she wore on the red carpet while promoting Overrated Lesbian Snuff Film about Ballerinas Clipping their Toenails. I just can’t stop staring at how the red melts away into mauve; it makes the dress look like liquid instead of fabric. Check back in December and I bet you’ll see this on my Best Dressed of the Year post.

The #2 spot on my list goes to 14-year-old Hailee Steinfeld, star of a movie I haven’t seen and probably won’t see (because it suffers from a lack of self-mutilating lesbian ballerinas). This girl is FOURTEEN and completely rocking a daring, totally out-there, super-mod Prada gown like it is her JOB. I’ve never seen a teenage girl look so chic while maintaining an unforeseen level of age-appropriateness. Usually, we either get girls in prissy, frou-frouy, glittery cocktail dresses (age-appropriate, but boring) or mega-sexy glam gowns (chic, but creepy on an underage girl). Hailee Steinfeld gets all my love for a) wearing something so daring and fabulous b) matching her nail polish to her dress in a totally endearing, high school kind of way and c) having an awesomely Jewish name.

Number three with a bullet, and winner of the Most Improved award – the hilarious, the brilliant, and finally, the stylish TINA FEY! Not only has Tina never looked better, but at last I don’t feel like I’m saying “She looks great – for a comedian” or “she looks great – for a writer.” No, Tina looks great for a fucking STARLET, rocking Oscar de la Renta the way so few women can. Perfect color, perfect fit, and further proof that a classic silhouette with an interesting print or unique texture is usually a home-run. Loving the bling, too.

All Hail Queen Annette. Gorgeous, and I’m dying to see The Kids Are All Right.

It’s Brittany, bitch! I feel like Heather Morris has taken all the advice I’ve given her via this blog over the past year (or, you know, finally started making enough money to hire a stylist). She was by far the best dressed of the Glee cast and one of the most beautiful women on the red carpet.

Stunning. It ain’t easy to wear white silk with a baby bump, but she looks like a fertility goddess.

I hate jumpsuits and I hate Catherine Malandrino, but goddamn do I love a woman in pants on the red carpet – at least, when she adds enough bling to really make it fabulous. Nice work, Mama Dunphy!

Bellatrix, you will never believe who wore this dress before you: Blair Waldorf! And Dakota Fanning’s little sister! I loved it on them, and I love the Death Eather version of it that you’re rocking! (And let’s be honest, for Mrs. Tim Burton, this look is downright normal.)

Near-Misses

I’ve looked at this picture dozens of times and I still can’t figure out if I like this dress or not. I know I liked it better when I thought it was mint green (it’s actually white). And I know I didn’t like her ponytail. But something about this was simultaneously intriguing and not-quite-right.

This has all the makings of something good, but when you’ve been on the red carpet as long and as often as Hilary Swank, if you don’t take a risk, you just kind of look like you’re wearing the same dress over and over again.

If her left boob-holster fit a little better, I think I would love this gown. But that weird, wiggly fabric laying haphazardly across her boob is just strange.

Beautiful color, sexy slit, and a cute shoulder thing, but what the hell is happening with that draping? Why does it look like she’s grown unsightly warts all over her torso? Surely Emma Pillsbury would not stand for this sort of nonsense.

We get it. You’re Latina and you have great tits. Now can you wear something that doesn’t make you look like a walking stereotype?

Snooze. It’s like she took a beautiful, boring dress, decided it didn’t show enough tit, and yanked a few seams out in the limo on the way to the show. I hate the way it fits her upper half. And if you have to put a regular old belt on a gown, you’re wearing the wrong gown.

Also, I have nothing bad to say about Oscar, but there are other designers on the planet, Princess Lea. I know that wearing Oscar de la Renta gowns exclusively must make you feel quite posh, but get over it and take a fucking risk.

This is a bathrobe. A goth bathrobe that fits her fabulously, sure, but it is still a bathrobe and it still has no place on the red carpet.

That shoulder piece and embellished skirt are so something Beyonce’s mother would design, and that’s about the worst insult I can give. But the middle of the dress is flattering and lovely, Amber’s hair and makeup are perfect, and she’s posing like a diva, so who cares?

It’s hard to wear a pink feathered ball gown after the age of eight, unless you’re Cinderella. Or maybe Elle Woods. Angie Harmon is neither of these women. And that baby pink clashes horribly with your fake tan, sweetie. Also, this hasn’t been an interesting red carpet look for like a decade.

Simple and Beautiful (and Increasingly Boring)

Simple but FIERCE. Her guns look amazing! Great hair, too.

Incredibly beautiful, but she couldn’t have picked a safer dress. Love the earrings, though.

Almost as standard as one can get until that fabulous color fade kicks in, and suddenly I can’t stop staring at her.

A really boring dress in a really amazing color.

Great color, but now that she’s seen her share of red carpets, she needs to step up her game.

SLUT! Sex on a stick (if an old stick). Nice color. And the hair is sloppy-sexy.

Cute, but there are ways to dress age-appropriately and not look like a little girl (see: Hailee Steinfeld).

Snooze. This needs to be yanked up two inches, and someone needs to tell Katrina that she needs to tan nude or go pale, because the bikini lines do not go well with a strapless gown.

I really want to say you can’t go wrong with vintage Chanel, but if you do goth makeup, chunky shoes, and ugly hair, I guess you can.

Great hair, makeup, and accessories, but this doesn’t fit her right. Apparently you could see her bellybutton on TV. And again, if you’re going to wear a dress that almost matches your skin tone, it better be a little more interesting than this prom dress.

The Straight-Up Ugly

Oof. Batshit crazy past-their-prime actresses should not wear wedding gowns on the red carpet.

That is the stupidest fucking hairdo I’ve ever seen, and this print is just too much. She might as well be wearing a couch.

An ugly dress with an uglier belt and an even worse shade of lipstick? What would Ricky say?

We haven’t even gotten rid of J.Lo yet, and we already have another dress-alike running around? I can’t fucking take it.

Ugh.

Oh, let’s just say it. She looks like a fucking disco ball.

Awful color, hate the tiered skirt, and that hemline should be ashamed of itself.

I still can’t over how shoddy the handiwork on this is. That seam down the center? The ripples in the fabric? How about that god awful bustline? She looks like a skeleton with breast implants. And what kindergartner ran past her with a pair of scissors – or does she have some other excuse for those bangs? And how many times have I warned starlets against letting heavy-handed drag queens do their makeup?

I don’t know who the fuck this is, but someone needs to tell her that she’s birthing fabric.

No witty comments. This is actually just the ugliest dress I’ve ever seen.

That is possibly the most obnoxious color in the history of rainbows. And chunky black accessories just make it worse.

I think this is what Mormons wear when they go to Vegas.

And of course, the boys!

YUM.

Cute, but a little disheveled, no? Kurt would not allow his hair to look that sloppy on the red carpet!

Eh. The shininess of the lapel and that red tie – it’s kinda trashy.

We get it, Artie. You’re a hipster. Now put on a fucking tie.

Kudos to Other Asian! He always goes for something a little more interesting than basic black, and he always pulls it off.

Delicioso!

Awkward but cute, like Cory himself.

I now present… Persian night club owner Will Schuester! For God’s sake, button another button and put on a fucking tie! You’re an adult!

Can’t wait to see him and Anne Hathaway host the Oscars. They sure are going to bring the pretty.

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© Democracy Diva, 2011.