Spoiler alert: That’s Lady Gaga under there.
FLORENCE WELCH at a Harper’s Bazaar event // gown and purse by Alexander McQueen
I bow down to you, Flo. This gown is a personal favorite of mine, and you’re one of very few women who can wear it well. I’m never into the bare hair and makeup, but they do sort of work on Florence in that too-ethereal-to-care sort of way. The dress is exquisite; the purse, divine. I don’t even like trains, and I love this goddamn train.
LADY GAGA at the European Music Awards // gown by Paco Rabanne
It’s a little more Nicki Minaj than Lady Gaga. That’s not a compliment. It just looks kind of cheap.
LADY GAGA at the European Music Awards // ensemble by Paco Rabanne
To borrow a phrase, Gaga, you’ve left me speechless. I have no words; I just needed my dear readers to see this with their own eyes.
EMMA STONE at a Glamour event // gown and shoes by Lanvin
This Lanvin Resort 2012 gown is a favorite of mine – it was my red carpet prediction for January Jones. I am so close to loving this on Emma, but there are a couple of details destroying it for me. First of all, this is at least a full size too big on her. It’s too long, it’s too loose in the bust and shoulders, and in the runway version, the slit came up to Daphne Groenveld’s hoo-ha, not to the mid-thigh like it does on Emma. And I think one less yellow accessory would have been a good idea. The belt works, and I think the shoe would work too if the dress weren’t so damn long. But she could certainly do without the necklace. However, endless kudos to her hair and makeup team, because this is how she should always look. She’s positively glowing.
LEA MICHELE at a Glamour event // gown by Jenny Packham
Lea, no matter how famous and thin you get, you will never be tall. We’re petite girls and there are some gowns we just cannot wear because they make us look like children playing dress-up. This is one of those gowns.
JENNIFER LOPEZ at a Glamour event // gown by Atelier Versace, shoes by Jimmy Choo
She looks thin as hell, I’ll give her that. The divorce diet is a sad diet, but it’s effective. As for the gown? It’s like someone started a half-assed McQueen knockoff and forgot to finish it. The slit is trashy, and the shoulder embellishment is too Carrie Bradshaw.
KERRY WASHINGTON at a Glamour event // gown by Marchesa, shoes by Christian Louboutin
It’s such a fucking prom dress. I honestly think that if I flipped through my prom photos right now, I could find someone wearing something nearly identical to this dress. And that train is depressing me.
JESSICA ALBA at a Glamour event // dress by Tory Burch, shoes by Jimmy Choo
This Peter Pan/nun trend has got to end. And although I’m all about black tights, they should at least be sheer if you’re on the red carpet. Also, her shoes are invisible. That’s a problem.
SIENNA MILLER // romper by Twenty8Twelve
INVISIBLE SHOES!! I smell a trend, dear readers, and I don’t like it.
NICOLE RICHIE at the ACE Awards // gown by Antonio Berardi, purse by House of Harlow
Totally fierce. Nicole Richie has made a huge red carpet turn-around for me lately. She’s dropped that starved hippie Rachel Zoe thing and gone a little more glam, and I so appreciate the refreshing change.
FREIDA PINTO at the Los Angeles premiere of Immortals // gown by Antonio Berardi
It’s just a tiny bit over-designed – one less cut-out or embellishment or detail would improve things. And, as usual, I don’t like the train. The color works on her, but I wish she picked a slightly more interesting shade.
KIRSTEN DUNST at the AFI Festival // dress by Dolce & Gabbana
Adorable. A dress covered in tomatoes shouldn’t work, but it totally does. Looking fabulous, Kirsten!
AMBER HEARD at a Paris photocall for The Rum Diary // dress by Reem Acra, shoes by Christian Louboutin
For God’s sake, smile! I know your shoes are invisible, but it’s going to be okay. Just stand in front of a less distracting poster so your dress doesn’t blind me anymore, mmkay?
TAYLOR SWIFT at the BMI Country Awards // dress by Emilio Pucci
Oh, what else is new.
ZOE SALDANA at a Lanvin party // dress, necklace and shoes by Lanvin
A much better flapper dress than the Gucci one she wore to the LACMA gala, that’s for sure. The necklace is cool, but a little too clunky with this dress. And I hate the shoes with a burning, fiery passion. Love the lipstick, though!
ANGELINA JOLIE at the Tokyo premiere of Moneyball
She’s worn this dress at least sixty times before. I think she’s intentionally trying to bore the shit out of me.
OLIVIA WILDE at a screening of Butter // dress by Louis Vuitton, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Nope. Looks like a homesewn hot disaster, dear.
CHLOE MORETZ at the Versace for H&M launch // dress by Versace for H&M, shoes by Versace
Bow down, bitches! Chloe Moretz is fourteen years old and more fabulous than half of Hollywood. Love the dress, obsessed with the shoes, perfect hair, makeup, and nails. So glad she didn’t wear any more accessories, because it would have been overkill.
BLAKE LIVELY at the Versace for H&M launch // dress by Versace for H&M
We get it, Blake. You have tits.
EMMA ROBERTS at the Versace for H&M launch // bustier and leggings by Versace for H&M
FIRE. YOUR. STYLIST. In fact, fire your entire staff. Fire any person, employed by you or not, who even glanced in your direction before you arrived at this event. Because if they’re telling you to dress like this, they’re mentally deranged sociopaths, darling. Anyone who witnessed you putting on this tragedy of an outfit should have tackled you rather than let you get your picture taken in it.