It’s time to finish this bitchfest, dear readers.
Best Dressed: LIZZY CAPLAN
gown by Donna Karan
GO ON AND GET IT, JANIS IAN. YOU ARE THE MASTER OF SEX. And if you think this is too plain from the front, suck it, because the back view is HEAVEN:
I love EVERY SINGLE DETAIL. The cat-eye makeup; the sleek, chic bun; the earrings; the straps; even the white train, and I hate trains as a rule.
Runner-Up: VIOLA DAVIS
gown by Escada, shoes by Stuart Weitzman
LOVE. The sleeves are a fantastic length, the tits are perfection, the color is a dream, and she has never looked more statuesque.
Honorable Mention: ROBIN WRIGHT
jumpsuit by Ralph Lauren
Robin Wright does menswear better than anyone else on earth, and that includes men. Her tuxedo-inspired jumpsuit was a breath of fresh air, and probably would have looked silly on anyone else. But nothing is impossible when you’re serving up this much Lady Macbeth fierceness. Normally I’d have recommended earrings or a subtle necklace, but it’s the minimalism and lack of adornment that somehow makes this look shine.
gown by Kaviar Gauche
It’s Game of Thrones‘s favorite betraying prostitute! Three cheers for Shae, whose real name I had never even heard until the other day. She might be nowhere near the A-list, but you’d never know it from this fabulous fucking dress.
gown by Christian Siriano
I’m not usually a fan of those mermaid skirts, but the bright color saves this from looking old-fashioned or stuffy. She was born for a shade like this, but when you’re wearing a ball gown, a bit more jewelry couldn’t hurt.
gown by Carolina Herrera, purse by Lee Savage
She could have pushed herself a little further, especially now that she’s the president, but goddamn if she doesn’t look gorgeous.
gown by Atelier Versace
This looked gorgeous in some angles (like this one), and absolutely ridiculous in others. But Gwen Stefani carried around what looks like thirty pounds of tiny little Swarovski crystals all over her body for the entire night, so she deserves some applause for that.
gown by Giambattista Valli
This is sweet and lovely, and it makes her look eleven feet tall. It’s not exactly mind-blowing, but it stays true to her preppy style without making her look too boring.
FRED ARMISEN and CARRIE BROWNSTEIN
Carrie’s gown by Halston Heritage, shoes by Jerome C. Rousseau
Adorable. I LOVE when weirdo comedians out-dress A-list stars. There’s something so gratifying about funny people looking more chic than, like, the cast of Scandal, or whatever. Kudos to these two.
gown by Octavio Carlin
One of my favorite reds of the night, because it’s got that slight coral edge to it that keeps it a little different from the red carpet. Love the sleeves, but I wish the dress was pulled up, or the undergarments pulled down, so you couldn’t see the latter underneath the former.
tuxedo by Giorgio Armani
This looks like a cartoon suit, but I think that’s actually a point in its favor.
gown by Elisabetta Franchi, purse by Oroton, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
56 years old, and hotter than all the basic bitches at this event. The shoes are not my favorite, but the rest of the gold accessories are delicious. This is bringing the 70s back in the best possible way.
gown by Stéphane Rolland, purse by Jimmy Choo, shoes by Stuart Weitzman
I wanted to applaud this for the color alone, but even though it’s interesting, it’s not quite right for Kate’s coloring. The peplum would have been fresh and cool a few years ago, but at this point, it’s just too tired for such a major red carpet event. And the sparkly embellishments on the skirt and under the peplum… oy. Those definitely bring this to a cheap-Belle-Halloween-costume place.
gown by Oscar de la Renta, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Basic and not worthy of my utterly hilarious commentary.
gown by Marni, purse by Jimmy Choo
This color popped a bit more on television than it does in pictures – it’s a lot drearier in photographs. And of course, the whole thing was wrinkled the moment she hit the red carpet, because Sarah Silverman has no fucks left to give. But she was high as a mother-fucking kite and handed Giuliana some liquid marijuana live on the E! red carpet (for real), so, as far as I’m concerned, she’s doing the Emmys right.
gown by Marchesa, purse by Lee Savage
NOOOOOO JOANIE WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! This is a horrifically dated look, and the bottom part of the skirt is straight-up stupid on her. The eight thousand pounds of gold jewelry make her look like she’s trying to sell homemade accessories on Etsy, and the hair is just upsetting. Don’t make me use a gif of YOU to express how much I am judging you right now:
Get your shit together, Joan.
gown by Vera Wang, shoes by Prada
She’s not just even remotely trying, is she?
gown by Elie Saab, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Whatever. It’s fine. I can’t get worked up about it, because Julia Roberts stopped being interesting at least a decade ago. As did those shoes.
gown by J. Mendel, purse by Thalé Blanc
Well, at least it’s thematically appropriate, since it definitely looks like she got hit by a subway train on the way to this event. This dress just has eleven or so too many details for its own good – the pleating in the skirt is lovely, but you can hardly see it around all the asymmetrical layers and cut-outs. And the bodice shouldn’t have had embellishments AND trim AND rouching AND cut-outs. Pick two of those trends and save the rest for another dress. Also, white platforms in general give off a stripper vibe, and these shoes in particular are just terrible for a formal event. It’s a shame, too, because this was quite pretty from the back:
Oh, did I not mention the peplum? Yeah, it also has a peplum. Anyway, it’s a much better look when half the details are hidden, but that hemline also looks pretty ragged from this angle.
BEHATI PRINSLOO and ADAM LEVINE
Behati’s gown and Adam’s tuxedo by Prada
Congratulations, you two! At an event attended almost exclusively by douchebags, you were the two douchiest people on the red carpet. You must be so proud. I hope you display your Douchey Award on the mantle with pride.
Worst Dressed: LENA DUNHAM
top and skirt by Giambattista Valli
I’m sure Lena Dunham thinks it’s utterly charming that she has the fashion sense of a stoned pre-schooler, but honestly, it’s just exhausting. The saddest part is, I think there’s a universe in which that skirt would have worked on her – a few less layers, and a little less width, and she might have rocked it. But the wrinkled little blouse paired with it? It’s terrible on its own, and it REALLY doesn’t work on her. Also, someone please tell me that hair is for a role, because if she chose to do this acid-washed mushroom cut on her own, I might actually explode.