From this side of final exams, readers, you look simply ravishing.

ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO in Dolce & Gabbana

I can no longer keep track of the number of celebrities who have worn this and similar dresses from Dolce & Gabbana’s Spring 2011 collection. But I’m about one more red carpet away from getting completely sick of these white lace micro-minis. Celebrities, be warned.

ALEXA CHUNG in Chanel

This dress is inappropriate on anyone over age seven. The length is strange and the poof on the bottom of the hem is killing me.

ALEXA CHUNG

When Alexa stops trying so hard to be a hipster, and actually does her hair and dons a normal dress (instead of one clearly made for the runner-up in a toddler beauty pageant), she can look so beautiful.

ANGELINA JOLIE in Salvatore Ferragamo

Oh, shocking. Ange is in a nude, boring wrap dress. I swear, if this bitch ever wears something I find both interesting and beautiful, I may die of shock.

ANNA DELLO RUSSO in Reed Krakoff, with an Alan Journo pineapple. (Yes, you read that correctly.)

When you’re the editor of Japanese Vogue, you get to wear a pineapple on your head. Just one of the many job perks. But seriously, Anna Dello Russo is such an amazing fashion character. She’s always in something ridiculous, but it’s always so joyful – she, unlike her American Vogue counterpart Anna Wintour, seems to understand that fashion is about fun. Also, those shoes are divine.

ASHLEY GREENE in Fendi

One-shoulder dresses tend to bother me – some can be lovely, but most of the time it’s like, what weather could possibly cause you to want to cover up one arm but not the other? So between that, and Ashley’s insistence on wearing a gown that precisely matches her skin tone, and the fact that her one sleeve is draped around her arm like it’s there for medical instead of aesthetic purposes . . . let’s just say I’m not a fan. The length and the fit are also problematic. Work harder, random Twilight biddie.

ASHLEY TISDALE

What a sorry shoulderpad. What did Ashley’s left arm do to deserve a shoulderpad that makes her look like a linebacker?

BLAKE LIVELY in Chanel

If a doctor can perform a full gynecological exam without removing your clothing, YOUR SKIRT IS TOO SHORT. Jesus CHRIST, Blake. What, did you think that if you didn’t show off your tits we would somehow be fooled into thinking that you’re appropriately dressed? And more importantly,  how did she get out of the limo in this thing? Seriously. I’m not a lawyer yet, but I’m pretty sure she’s a strong breeze away from public indecency.

BONNIE WRIGHT in Pringle of Scotland, with Miu Miu shoes

Just checking in with the lovely Ginny Weasley. Love the skirt, love the shoes, hate the top with a fiery passion. And I’m not sure the red lipstick works with her particular shade of ginger.

BRITNEY SPEARS in Herve Leger

Unequivocally the best Britney has looked in five years. I mean, sure, the hair is plainly fake, but at least it’s fake and styled, instead of laying their like a rat tied to her scalp.

CLEMENCE POESY in Chanel

Another Harry Potter lady – this time, Ms. Fleur Delacour – hits the Chanel Resort 2012 show in the most delicious tweed dress. You probably have to be a leggy French part-veela to pull this off, but Fleur is KILLING it. It’s one part mod, one part flapper, and all parts fierce as hell.

CLEMENCE POESY in Calvin Klein

Understated but lovely. I’m into the pairing of that simple little shift dress with the chunky, rectangular purse and the gorgeous gray sandals. And the sex hair, needless to say, is AWESOME.

CLEMENCE POESY in Yves Saint Laurent

Ick. Those shoes were such an obvious mistake, I kind of can’t believe she looked at herself in the mirror before she left the house. And they’re really not helping that sad little Disney princess dress.

DIANE KRUGER in Calvin Klein

She looks bangin’, but if I see one more “ooh, look how minimalist I can be!” Calvin Klein dress on the runway, I’m going to barf. Even though she looks like she’s made of liquid gold.

EMMA STONE in Lanvin

I would never have paired those shoes with that dress, but I respect the decision, because it was a risk. She could have easily looked unremarkable in a black shoe, but went for more contrast to her hot pink dress in her tan shoe. She’s been rocking a whole lot of Lanvin lately, which I love, and even more bright pink lipstick, which is about to become her shtick, and thus is about to become completely tired.

EMMA WATSON in Azzaro

She’s probably the only woman alive who could look good in what is clearly a stupid fucking dress. I think if the sleeves weren’t ruffled, and that tacky black bow was gone, I’d be able to support this. But as it stands, she looks like a child.

FREIDA PINTO in Peter Pilotto, with Nicholas Kirkwood shoes

Beautiful dress, but why on earth would you put a belt on it? I’m not a belt person, so I’ve never quite understood women’s desires to wear belts over dresses that don’t require them, but this just seems superfluous. It’d be wrong to wear any belt over that little drape of fabric in the front, but how did she land on that color? You can wear accessories that don’t match your dress, but not when they come close to matching, AND you pair it with a different color shoe that ALSO comes close to matching. Freida is beautiful, but bitch needs to fire her stylist.

GISELE BUNDCHEN in Emanuel Ungaro

Fucking gorgeous. The fit is absolutely impeccable, and that lipstick is delicious.

GISELE BUNDCHEN in Victoria Beckham, with Christian Louboutin shoes

Also stunning, but when you can wear and look amazing in literally anything, why choose something so basic? I know that this is Gisele’s go-to aesthetic, and it’s classy and beautiful, but I can’t help but encourage those who really can wear anything to take more fashion risks.

GWYNETH PALTROW in Roksanda Illincic, with Christian Louboutin shoes

I hate any and all dresses that emphasize the sternum. Like, who decided that the area between and below the boobs was the appropriate body part to emphasize? Also, this dress looks like it’s made of what I pull out of my shower drain. But the shoes are cute.

JENNIFER LOPEZ in Jenny Packham

What is happening with adult women trying to rock communion dresses? This is absolutely absurd for a woman in her twenties, let alone one in her forties, to be wearing. J.Lo can’t be counted on to dress age-appropriately, but there is no excuse for this flower-girl-with-tits aesthetic.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY in Valentino

Beautiful. Very Valentino, and very Keira. Great shoes, too.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY in Valentino, with Tabitha Simmons shoes

Also adorable, but I’m getting concerned with Keira’s addiction to Valentino.

LADY GAGA

I love this pose – like she’s saying, “Relax, guys. I’m not wearing another egg – I’m just dressed up as a hybrid of the moon and a medieval nun.”

LADY GAGA

Listen, I of all people understand a hatred for pants and bras. But I think you kind of need at least one or the other. Sadly, a green tulle blanket will not suffice as a valid substitute for clothing.

LADY GAGA

I love whatever the hell that shirt is.

LADY GAGA

Just chillaxin in my limo, wearing my favorite pair of studded horns. Wait, what?

MANDY MOORE in Jenny Packham

It’s not my favorite, but it’s a great color, I love the neckline, and it’s a nice improvement over the stuff Mandy usually wears. So I’m satisfied.

MIA WASIKOWSKA in Roland Mouret

Absolute perfection.

MIA WASIKOWSKA in Valentino

Gorgeous, but she’s indistinguishable from Dakota and Elle Fanning when she wears pink lacy Valentino.

PENELOPE CRUZ in Marchesa

Oh, look! It’s every dress Penelope Cruz has ever worn! Fascinating! Seriously, girl, pick a new look, because this is not just tired. It’s exhausted. It’s a single mom, in law school, with mono.

PENELOPE CRUZ in Givenchy

The hair looks completely fake, the fit of this dress is completely awful, and there’s something so senior-citizen-in-Boca about this look that I just can’t ignore. The gold zippers just look tacky, the point where the zipper stops is awkward and throws off the proportions of the whole outfit. And those sleeves are textbook mother-of-the-bride.

PENELOPE CRUZ in Emilio Pucci, with Casadei shoes

If it’s not a Christmas party, and it’s not a New Years’ party, why the fuck are you wearing a dress with SNOWFLAKES all over it?

PENELOPE CRUZ in Stella McCartney

Hate the matchy-matchy shoes, and I don’t think this dress fits her right at all, and her hair extensions still look like they’re made of a horse’s tail, but it’s an improvement.
PENELOPE CRUZ in Marchesa

Please excuse me while I throw up all over my laptop. I remember this dress from the Marchesa collection – I thought it was absurdly tacky and completely fugly then, and it’s even worse now. When will celebrities learn that poorly-draped tulle at the bottom of a dress, especially in a color with a lot of gray tones in it, always looks disgusting? All that crinoline on the shoulders, draped over the bodice, and mermaiding out under the knees is just awful. This looks like it was made for some sort of beauty pageant/bridesmaid/flamenco dancer/ice skater hybrid.

I just hurled.

RACHEL BILSON in Chanel, with Christian Louboutin shoes

Rachel Bilson can work street style like no other woman on earth. Seriously, this girl looks so at home in blazers, it’s absolutely amazing. This is exactly what a stylish young woman should wear to the Chanel Resort 2012 runway show. Let’s see it without the blazer:

Gorgeous. The proportions are better suited for a supermodel’s measurements, but for such a tiny girl, she manages to look awfully leggy. Those shorts are just too cute.

RACHEL BILSON in a Vanessa Bruno blazer and Derek Lam dress

Not nearly as cute. The purse and dress are both a little grandma, and the chunky necklace doesn’t really work with the dress. But once again, Rachel shows off her awesome blazer-rocking skills. How ’bout without the jacket?

Still not digging the dress, but her hair has never looked better!

RACHEL MCADAMS in Monique Lhuillier

Wow. Penelope Cruz wore a periwinkle tulle drag show nightmare, and Rachel McAdams still managed to be my least favorite of the week. Let’s start from the top – platinum blonde has never been Rachel’s best look. I understand she may be doing it for a role, but she either needs to touch-up those roots constantly or don a wig for the movie, because this ain’t working. The little glittery corset doesn’t fit her at all – her boobs don’t actually seem to be where this top demands that they be. And then we get to the pants, which have the ugliest crotch I’ve seen since whenever this season of Project Runway ended. I’ve never appreciated high-waisted, wide-legged pants, because I’m five feet tall and such things would just be clownish on my body. But Rachel isn’t faring much better, because her vagina looks like it’s ten feet tall.

RACHEL MCADAMS in Maxime Simoens, with Salvatore Ferragamo shoes

But this is totally lovely. It’s Anne Hathaway meets Reese Witherspoon, and it’s summery, simple, and lovely. The hair is much better, and the makeup is flawless.

RACHEL MCADAMS in Marchesa, with Casadei shoes

Yes, that is Woody Allen and Owen Wilson pointing at and commenting on Rachel’s dress, which is kind of too hilarious for words. I mean, it is a whole lot of dress, and I know y’all will probably want me to hate on it, but I think she looks amazing. I did not think she’d be able to pull off this kind of drama, but there’s a lot happening here that I like. She picked the right hair, makeup, jewelry, and shoes. I find trains to be almost always unnecessary, and I usually find that they distract from a dress’s beauty rather than emphasize it. But this sheer, lace-hemmed train is actually lovely. And although the dress does bare her clavicle (or appear to – I’m nearly certain there’s a fair amount of nude netting happening where there appears to be skin), it doesn’t EMPHASIZE it. I had to talk myself into it a bit, but I’m finding myself in love with this dress.

RAVEN-SYMONE

Raven, put your breasts away. It makes me feel old and sad.

RIHANNA in BCBG Max Azria

Rihanna has clearly been reading my blog and has thus shed her uber-tacky, half-nude ball gowns that show more skin than they cover. But now she’s too far in the opposite direction. This is Rihanna, the young Mormon bride crossing the prairies in her covered wagon.

SALMA HAYEK in Gucci

Are shoulder pieces made of feathers becoming the new thing? News flash, starlets: you will not be able to actually fly no matter how many feathers you attach to your arms.

SALMA HAYEK in Gucci

The dress is too similar to what Ashley Greene and Ciara wore to the Met Gala, but that’s my sole complaint. This is a classic Hollywood glam look.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER in Halston

I have a Jewish nose, so I of all people understand the power of adding extra volume to your hair to distract from some of your less fabulous features. And I’m a Jersey girl, so my appreciation for big hair is twofold. But this. Is. RIDICULOUS. There are drag queens selling their bodies for crack who would look at this and say, “Girl, that’s tacky.”

SARAH JESSICA PARKER in Valentino

I don’t know if she’s wearing a cross-body bag (why would she?) or if that gray diagonal line is part of the dress, but it’s ruining this dress for me. As are the sleeves, which look like they were added as an afterthought to an otherwise exquisite gown.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER in Elie Saab

This is another dress that I remember well from the runway, but it’s not translating well to the red carpet. Maybe it’s just too much pattern for such a small woman, but this dress just looks like it’s eating Carrie Bradshaw.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

It’s okay, it just seems not at all her style. She’s such a New Yorker, and her fashion reflects that. And white lace dresses (even if, like this, they appear to be made from the curtains in my grandmother’s Queens apartment) don’t really reflect that Sex and the City flair that Parker has stuck with for so long.

SELENA GOMEZ

The dress is understated, but funky. LOVE the pockets. And those sandals are beyond gorgeous.

TILDA SWINTON in Roger Vivier shoes

I think Tilda Swinton looks like one of the most miserable creatures on planet earth, but she’s all over the Cannes film festival, so I guess we have to talk about the stupid shit she’s wearing. This blouse is actually atrocious. And the roses on her shoes look hot-glue-gunned on.

TILDA SWINTON in Haider Ackermann

Blech. Reminds me of the two-tone Lanvin dress that Julianne Moore wore, just flipped on its side. And I still hate it.

UMA THURMAN in Dolce & Gabbana

STARLETS! What did I say about those white Dolce & Gabbana dresses? We have had enough! Pick a new collection!

UMA THURMAN in Versace

Well, this is lovely. The runway version had some more cut-outs that gave the bodice a little more intrigue, but she really looks amazing, and the green jewelry is pulling the whole look together nicely.

UMA THURMAN in Chanel

Oy. There’s not much worse than an ill-fitting, ugly dress. The shoulders are askew, the bust and tummy pucker awkwardly, and the whole thing is kind of a wrinkled disaster. And what’s with the fur trailing around the right side and the satin strip of gray fabric behind her left leg? Is there a well-accessorized animal hiding behind her?

Maybe it’ll make sense from the back…

Well, this just got even worse. What is that hot mess of fabric happening around her feet? I just can’t believe this is a Chanel gown. How disappointing.

UMA THURMAN

Shapeless, ugly hair and a shapeless, ugly dress. Go figure.

VANESSA HUDGENS

It’s fine, but this girl loves her black Diane von Furstenberg-looking dresses way too much.

VANESSA HUDGENS in Calvin Klein

Atta girl! This dress is fucking awesome. The color is great, the texture is fabulous, and it fits her like a dream (except perhaps in length, but it’s tough to be a tiny girl, so I’ll give her a pass). I’d have chosen different shoes, and don’t get me started on gold accessories with a yellow dress, but she’s working it! And considering how many starlets are wearing Calvin Klein dresses lately, this is the first one I’ve actually liked in a long time.

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© Democracy Diva, 2011.