I know you’ve missed your weekly fashion recaps, dear readers, so grab your snuggie and a cappuccino.
President BARACK OBAMA and First Lady MICHELLE OBAMA// gown by Doo.Ri
Bow down, dear readers, to the ferocity of our First Lady. Politics aside, I’m always happier with a well-dressed couple in the White House, and these two rarely disappoint. That purple is literally perfect on the First Lady’s skin, the draping of the bodice is beautiful and flattering, and the jewelry is fabulous and on-trend without being gaudy or showy. Great earrings, great hair – whatever gay you’re consulting, First Lady, keep him close, ’cause he’s making you even more fabulous.
PRINCE WILLIAM and CATHERINE, DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE // gown by Beulah
Is it just me, or do Will and Kate look older than Barack and Michelle? The Duchess’s dress is just matronly. Here’s a rule: if it’s appropriate for Betty White at the Emmys, it’s probably not right for a 29-year-old princess. And the hair is a little too beauty pageant for my taste.
KIM KARDASHIAN // gown by Alexander McQueen
Love the dress, but it doesn’t fit her at all. The placement of that belt make her breasts look awfully droopy and sort of make it look like she’s wearing MC Hammer pants. And, are we seriously still wearing those silly putty platforms?
KIM KARDASHIAN at an event in New York City // gown by Roland Mouret
Kim, when will you and your curves learn that there is no shame in going a size up? Here’s another rule, dear readers: if I can see the shape of your kneecaps, your dress is too tight.
AMBER HEARD at the Los Angeles premiere of The Rum Diary // gown by Elie Saab, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I’m full of rules today, darlings: if you need to get a bikini wax in order to wear a gown, that slit is too fucking high.
Also: jewelry. Consider it. And you know what I’m going to say about those shoes.
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES at a benefit in Culver City, CA // gown by Elie Saab
Beautiful gown, but I just find CZJ painfully boring.
CHLOË MORETZ in Universal City, CA // dress by Dolce & Gabbana
There’s a tiny bit too much going on – black lace, white underlay, black underlay, stripes at the bottom, crazy belt – but the effect is kind of fabulous, if a little overwhelming. I’m jealous of her Disney princess hair.
TAYLOR SWIFT // dress by Contrarian, shoes by Jimmy Choo
JUST WEAR SOMETHING SLUTTY FOR ONCE. You’re not fourteen anymore, no matter how much your publicity team makes you try to act fourteen so you don’t lose your tween fans. I’m so sick of her literally always looking the same.
ELLE FANNING at a party in Los Angeles
She always wears super-ugly platforms but manages to make them look adorable with whatever she’s wearing. It’s good to be thirteen.
LADY GAGA in New York City
I would give literally anything to make those shoes mine. Mother Monster, hear my prayer.
FERGIE in Los Angeles // dress by Georges Chakra, purse by Hervé Léger, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Fergie looks more and more like a wax figure of herself every day. It’s a little off-putting. The dress is cool, but the shoes matching the purse is sort of old lady. Black accessories would have been way sharper with this dress.
MICHELLE WILLIAMS at a New York screening of My Week With Marilyn // gown by Christian Dior
Gorgeous gown, phenomenal color (I love that mint/seafoam green), fits like a dream. But you need a necklace, darling!
EMMA STONE at the London premiere of The Help // gown by Luca Luca, shoes by Brian Atwood
Oof. That is one ugly dress. Emma, you seem to mostly have your shit together, so don’t start surrounding yourself with a team of yes-men who will tell you that you look like a movie star no matter how cracktastic you actually look. The polka dots, the belt, the slit, the arm and cleavage cut-outs – it’s too much, and white isn’t really your color to begin with.
EMMA STONE at the German premiere of The Help // gown and purse by Lanvin
Oh my GOD, is this delicious. Emma at her absolute best – the gown is stunning, the color is PERFECT iwth her skin and hair, the metallic mustard purse is totally awesome, and the hair is perfection.
EMMA STONE at the Giorgio Armani dinner in Los Angeles // dress by Giorgio Armani, shoes by Brian Atwood
Love the dress, but the shoes are ugly and the hair and makeup are even worse.
EMMA ROBERTS // dress by Miu Miu
Stop dressing like a little girl on Christmas morning and maybe people will take your acting career seriously.
EVAN RACHEL WOOD at the New York premiere of The Ides of March // dress and hat by Gucci
Evan Rachel Wood, you’re not a drag queen, so stop dressing like one. Love the shoes, though.
UMA THURMAN in Milan // gown by Ralph Lauren, purse by Chanel
What the hell happened to Uma on the way to this event? Did she get hit by a car? Did she stick her head out of the roof of the limo, pretending to be the kids in Center Stage? Did a mugger come and steal her right sleeve? Did the gods of hair see how hideous her dress was and, in a fit of rage, blow her hair into a hot disaster? The possibilities are endless, dear readers.
ELIZABETH OLSEN at the New York premiere of Martha Marcy May Marlene // dress, purse and shoes by Alexander McQueen
Starlets need to learn that there is a unique woman who can wear head-to-toe McQueen, and that they are not that woman. Sorry, third Olsen twin, but this is WAY too much look for you. Leave it to the professionals.
DEMI LOVATO in Los Angeles // dress by Isabel Marant, shoes by Christian Louboutin
She’s kidding, right? Tell me she’s just got an early start on Halloween and her costume is Jersey Shore‘s Snooki, after she time-travels to 1971.
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY in Milan // dress by Richard Nicoli, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
Proof that even the hottest women can look busted if they style themselves badly enough! The hair is a mess, the makeup looks like it was applied two days before, that dress is fucking hideous, and those blue satin shoes are just the cherry on top of the tacky, ill-fitting sundae.