Welcome, dear readers, to my favorite red carpet event of the year! This year’s Met Gala theme was Punk: Chaos to Couture. Let’s mock the starlets who were too chicken to go all-out and praise those who brought out their “punk” side. (Or as “punk” as a bunch of actresses and models can get at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.)
Best Dressed: MADONNA
jacket by Givenchy by Riccardo Tisci, shoes by Casadei
All hail Madonna. Whatever you may think of Madge, the woman commits to a look like nobody else. The gray tartan jacket, replete with gold spikes, is to die for; a magnificent piece worthy of the Costume Institute exhibit. All the studded, chained, and fishnetted accessories work brilliantly, and I love the bob wig if only because it’s so unexpected. My favorite accessory?
Ah, the ass-chain crucifix. A wardrobe staple for us all.
Runner-Up: ELIZABETH BANKS
dress by Atelier Versace, jewelry by Kara Ross, purse and shoes by Brian Atwood
Elizabeth Banks gave us a solid gold/punk hybrid, working this absolutely killer studded and pinstriped Versace jacket as a dress. The purse and shoes are absolutely perfect, the eyeliner looks stunning, and the earrings are fun as hell.
Honorable Mention: CAMERON DIAZ
gown, purse, and shoes by Stella McCartney, jewelry by Stephen Russell
I love this gown on Cameron in general – this royal blue suits her, and the cape is weird in a really good way. And though the picture doesn’t do it justice, that spiked belt looked absolutely killer even via livestream. What a great way to keep the paparazzi at bay!
tuxedo by Christian Dior
Eddie Redmayne is smart enough to know that he is Marius and therefore any attempt at punk would be laughably ridiculous. He does give us a bit of navy-on-black fabness that I’m completely eating up, though. And I’m pretty sure his pocket square had a skull on it, which is pretty adorable.
dress by Erdem
Alexa, KEEP THIS HAIRCUT FOREVER PLEASE. She has never looked even close to as beautiful as she does with this bob. She went more dark and romantic than punk, but actually being able to pull off granny panties on the red carpet is pretty punk rock to me.
gown and necklace by Thakoon, shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood
I probably wouldn’t like this dress at a normal event, but for the punk theme, I think it’s perfectly awesome. A black embellished clutch would have been a better choice, though.
jacket and gown by Moschino
This is almost a hot disaster, but I have the utmost respect for those few people who committed to the theme. The blue streaks in Lily’s hair are fantastic, the eye makeup is awesome, and the jacket is literally perfect. I like the lace at the top of the dress, especially against the jacket, but the rest of the bodice is kind of hideous, where it points into the skirt. Still, major points for enthusiasm!
gown by Louis Vuitton
I expected a little more in the way of punk from Kirsten, but the gown is interesting and beautiful and the lipstick is gorgeous.
dress by Donna Karan, jewelry by Eddie Borgo, purse and shoes by Jimmy Choo
She’s more princess than punk, but of all the people who rocked seriously heavy eyeliner for the occasion, Hailee’s makeup was one of my favorites. The outfit looks more glittery than gritty, but I can’t say she doesn’t look totally fucking awesome in it.
SOFIA COPPOLA and MARC JACOBS
Sofia’s top and pants by Marc Jacobs, Marc’s suit by Comme des Garçons
As far as I’m concerned, there is nothing more punk than wearing pajamas to the Met Gala. I would have screamed my head off at her if this were any other Met Gala, but when else can you wear Marc Jacobs pajamas?
gown and purse by J. Mendel, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz, shoes by Givenchy
I can’t even say “Taylor Swift” and “punk” in the same sentence without laughing, but Taylor has finally integrated some much-needed coolness into her wardrobe. I think slick-backed hair would have brought this to a whole other level, but it’s my favorite thing she’s worn in a very long time.
gown, purse, and shoes by Oscar de la Renta
An important rule of the Met Gala, particularly this Met Gala: if what you’re wearing looks like something you’ve already worn to the Oscars, DON’T WEAR IT. This is the time to try something new and daring and ridiculous, so I was pretty disappointed in Claire Danes’s dress, mesh and chainmail-looking embellishments and all. It looked like everything she’s ever worn with slightly heavier eyeliner, and that’s just too boring for this event.
gown and purse by Emilio Pucci, jewelry by Pomellato
Sadly, this is actually an awesome gown on her. But girlfriend didn’t even try to make a subtle reference to the theme. You should have saved this for the Vanity Fair Oscars party, Amber.
gown and purse by Diane von Furstenberg, jewelry by Jennifer Fisher
In all fairness to Emma, she came as Diane von Furstenberg’s date (all the big stars accompany the designers who dress them to the event). And Diane von Furstenberg isn’t going to be able to make anybody look punk. But I felt this was kind of lazy and underwhelming, which it really didn’t need to be. The fit of the gown isn’t particularly good and the jewelry is unimpressive.
gown by Christian Dior, shoes by Manolo Blahnik
News flash: mustard burlap sacks are not punk. They’re hideous, but they’re not punk.
dress by Alberta Ferretti, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
This pink satin screams nothing but 1985 Prom Queen to me.
gown by Calvin Klein, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
Painfully boring, and the train is ripped to shreds in a way that is supposed to be interesting but really just looks like toilet paper.
jumpsuit, purse and shoes by Stella McCartney
This was one of the biggest disappointments of the night, because Kristen would have looked SO GOOD in a patched-and-studded leather jacket over, like, tartan skinny pants with crazy safety pin accessories and all that shit. Instead, she went for sickly eyeliner and a jumpsuit that makes her vagina look two feet tall.
gown by Donna Karan, jewelry by Jherwitt, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
You cannot take a basic ball gown, add a mohawk, and expect that to work as a look. First of all, there were a lot of faux hawks on the runway that looked fantastic or at least interesting; Jennifer’s looks like there was an explosion on top of her head, and not in a good way. And it’s just so incongruous with literally everything else she’s wearing, because she couldn’t bother to commit to the theme from the neck-down. This is why half-assing it never works, dear readers.
gown by Tommy Hilfiger
Once again, Tommy Hilfiger isn’t going to be able to design anything particularly punk, but Nicki Minaj, how DARE you wear something this boring to this event! Out of all the times you actually look normal from the neck-down, you chose THIS NIGHT? It’s insanity. Oh, and “Lady Marmalade”-era Christina Aguilera called, and no, she doesn’t want her nasty decade-old French hooker wig back.
Worst Dressed: HEIDI KLUM
gown by Marchesa, jewelry by Harry Winston
Wearing a wedding dress to the punk-themed Met Gala is a sure sign that you’ve given up completely.