Welcome, dear readers, to the most self-congratulatory event on earth – the Screen Actors’ Guild Awards!
Best Dressed: LUPITA NYONG’O
gown by Elie Saab, jewelry by Fred Leighton
Impeccable alien life form that will take over and destroy Earth with her fabulosity Lupita Nyong’o DID THE THING, Y’ALL. Lupita topped my best-dressed list easily, because 85% of the SAG attendees either looked basic as hell or straight-up terrible. But even without grading on a curve, this is one of my favorite red carpet looks of all time. And, continuing to prove that she does everything better than everyone, she chose a mini version of this look for the SAG after-parties:
Like, COME ON. That is the most brilliantly divalicious move of ALL TIME. “No, no, that gown is too hard to dance in and I really want Jared Leto to be able to take my clothes off with ease after this party. Can’t Elie Saab just whip me up an identical version of my red carpet gown? Oh, they can, because I am basically God? Awesome.” (That gown and this dress were actually shown together in Elie Saab’s collection, but let’s just pretend they made it just for Lupita to get wasted in, because that’s so much more fun.)
Runner-Up: JULIANNE MOORE
gown by Givenchy, jewelry by Chopard
Perfect color. Perfect beading. Perfect jewelry. All on this goddamn American treasure. Julianne Moore is 54 years old and at the TOP of her motherfucking game, both in terms of style and career. There is no stopping this woman.
Honorable Mention: EMMA STONE
gown by Christian Dior, jewelry by Repossi, shoes by Christian Louboutin
The Emmas, both Stone and Watson, are the queens of bringing pseudo-menswear to a formal red carpet place. And I for one am always on board, mostly because it is quite nice to break up the endless sea of bold red gowns and flimsy white dresses that are epidemics at events like these. As is often the case with unique silhouettes, I wasn’t actually all that sold on this from the front angle (though, of course, I liked the pocket), but the side glance did it for me:
Glam and interesting. Sure, it’s a sheer skirt tacked onto a tuxedo jacket, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s a point in its favor. Also: ear cuff game is on point.
gown by Armani Privé, jewelry by David Webb, purse by Edie Parker
This is sleek and chic and lovely, but it says a lot about how terrible the fashion at this event was overall, that this look is getting placed so high up on this list. I’m a fan of Sarah Paulson’s sometimes-quirky fashion choices, and I like her badass bracelets, but this wasn’t exactly revolutionary.
suit by Saint Laurent
Only Panem’s greatest stylists get to hit up black-tie events in sunglasses and no ties. Bow down to Cinna, bitches.
gown by Naeem Khan, jewelry by Kimberly McDonald
That is some mightily basic bitch hair, but at least Queen Margaery’s gown has a little bit of interest (color! print! what new, strange concepts!) to it. And she’s not making that “I’m currently eating a lemon but only on one side of my face” face, so that’s a victory all by itself.
gown by Giorgio Armani, jewelry by Harry Winston
Yeah, yeah, she looks gorgeous and whatever, but I am so goddamn tired of all these plain white gowns that have been infecting awards season. Again: COLOR. PRINT. It’s not that hard, you guys.
gown by Honor, jewelry by Jacob & Co., purse by Salvatore Ferragamo
A little plain, but Joanne Froggatt is my bitch, and she’s not famous enough to get the really, REALLY good dresses for free, so I’ll consider this a job well done.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY and CAMILA ALVES
Matthew’s tuxedo by Brioni, shoes by Tod’s
Camila’s gown by Donna Karan
He: can wear color like no other man on earth. She: was the only person at this event to take a basic Donna Karan gown and make it look like something special. Well, a little bit special, anyway. Maybe just “spec.”
gown by Emanuel Ungaro
This is basically terrible. It’s this high up on the list because it doesn’t look like half the other gowns on the red carpet, and I award dresses that keep me awake more than anything else because it saves me money on coffee, but this is a mess. The print is cool, but that light-blue trim really cheapens this look. And Rashida could have still made the gown work in a formal setting if she had amped up the hair and jewelry, but aside from a lovely pair of earrings, she failed there too.
gown by Balenciaga, jewelry by Bulgari
I’m already asleep.
gown by Donna Karan, jewelry by Cartier
Khaleesi, you are not a 70-year-old actress getting her lifetime achievement award, so stop fucking dressing like one.
gown by Donna Karan
It’s not blowing my mind, but it’s not a mermaid shape. For Sofia Vergara, that’s about as much as I can possibly hope for.
gown and purse by Proenza Schouler
Snooze. Cute purse, though.
gown by Dennis Basso, jewelry by Solange Azagury-Partridge, purse by Edie Parker
I hate the dirty gutter water color, and the length doesn’t really make any sense to me. It’s a shame, because I think the neckline and sleeves of this gown are extraordinary. I would have loved to see it in eggplant or cranberry, and in a length that actually works for her.
gown by Romona Keveza
Your dress is boring and your Kate Gosselin hair is embarrassing. (Fun fact: This may be the only thing I’ve ever said about Kaley Cuoco, but I don’t give a shit about her enough to actually check.)
gown by Giambattista Valli, jewelry by Fred Leighton, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Phenomenal color; truly horrific shape. But at least she could store lots of candy in those skirt-flaps and snack away on York Peppermint Patty minis all night long.
gown by Marc Jacobs
Buckle your seatbelts, dear readers. Because Claire Danes has already buckled hers.
gown by Christian Dior, jewelry by Fred Leighton
File this one under “Muppet Couture.”
gown by John Galliano, jewelry by Fred Leighton
I don’t think I could hate more things about this. She looks the illegitimate child of a snake and a cougar.
gown by J. Mendel
What… what am I even looking at? Are minuscule kangaroo pouches the new black?