And now, let us celebrate the Golden Globes winners and losers at their drunkest, accompanied by the bitches too basic to be invited to the actual awards.
dress by Giamba
You can spot the actual Golden Globes attendees from a mile away at these afterparties – they’re generally the ones not wearing gowns. For some reason, those who lack invites to the main event always hit the after-parties in mega-gowns, which to me just screams, “WELL I HAD TO WEAR THIS COUTURE SOMEWHERE DESPITE MY LACK OF IMPORTANCE TO THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION, DIDN’T I?” With that in mind, no one nailed their outfit harder than Diane Kruger. This dress is interesting and sexy, the styling is formal but fun, and she’s making tights work on a red carpet, which is no easy feat. And more importantly, the whole vibe says, “Lol, it’s cute that you basic bitches feel the need to take this event so seriously, but I’ll be over here getting fabulously drunk with Pacey Witter.”
gown by Stella McCartney, shoes by Stuart Weitzman
It’s funny, because I’ve spent FOREVER railing against these hideous curved-and-paisley-and-cut-out Stella McCartney prints (as seen on Solange, Gwyneth, Brooklyn, and like every other starlet circa 2012). But with a bit of distance from this particular trend, and when it’s worn by a star I love, and the chic factor is improved by about eleventy thousand percent, guess what? I actually love this look. And bonus points to Hailee’s expression, which is just so, “Whatever, I was invited to the Globes when my classmates were having their bat mitzvahs. I’m only hitting the after-parties so I can chill with Lorde.”
gown by Luis Antonio
I have no idea who this is, but her print game is on point. Mazel tov, relative* nobody!
*Relative to actual famous people, that is. Relative to me, you’re Oprah fucking Winfrey.
gown by Escada, purse by Lee Savage
Awesome dress, cool color, A+ IDGAF vibe. The newbies are really tearing it up, aren’t they?
gown by Zac Posen
I adore this gown (my red carpet prediction for Dita Von Teese). The funky earrings and purse keep Rita from looking like she’s taking this shit too seriously, but the gown and matching lips are still glam as fuck.
gown by Jenny Packham, purse by Jimmy Choo
Simple but lovely, and a killer color on her. And for a girl who’s never camera shy, it’s kind of refreshing that Taylor didn’t do the solo step-and-repeat on the red carpet. Also, hi Lorde, I see you there! We’ll get to your adorable self in a moment.
gown by Zuhair Murad
top by Narciso Rodriguez
I love that she traded in the crop top from her red carpet ensemble for an identical one in white. The pants are cool as all hell and fit her like a dream, and the shoes are awesome. I’m not sure what tragedy occurred on top of her head, but the rest of this is party-perfect.
dress by Valentino, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Stuart Weitzman
I can’t recall anything Brittany Snow has ever worn, but she’s working that ethereal-meets-adorable vibe in this floral Valentino frock. The hair and makeup aren’t doing her any favors, but at least the outfit is surprisingly solid.
gown by Elie Saab, shoes by Jimmy Choo
She should have saved this gown for Cannes. She looks glorious in it – though I’d switch out the shoes – but it feels so out of place for a goddamn Globes party.
gown by Christian Siriano
EVERYONE NEEDS TO TAKE THIS LESS SERIOUSLY.
gown by Balenciaga
Please, God, tell me Nicola did not actually pay someone to do that to her hair.
gown by Kaufmanfranco, purse by Lee Savage
Selena Gomez has been dressing like a post-menopausal movie star lately, and I just can’t get on board. I understand that Disney stars in particular feel the need to dress in a ridiculously naked or mature way as soon as they’re free from their Disney chains, but this is just a dress that Angela Bassett rejected first.
gown by Lisa Perry
This is one of the most aggressively offensive things to ever happen to my vision, but Molly is a thousand months pregnant and clearly having a good time, so I’ll give her a pass. This time.
gown by Gucci Première
The dress is basic and the jewelry makes her look like a toddler playing Pretty, Pretty Princess.
gown by Thierry Mugler, shoes by Tabitha Simmons
From the waist-up: awesome. But this is a scrolldown fug if there ever was one. The beige lining on this dress is maybe the saddest thing in the universe, the peep-toe booties are positively crack-induced, and the camera angle makes her look like she doesn’t have legs. I mean, that last one isn’t Cara’s fault, but still, it’s creeping me out.
gown by Carolina Herrera
I guess the gown is okay, if you like those Frankenstein dresses that seem to be made of the discarded parts of other gowns. But the Great Golden Globes 2015 Hair Epidemic clearly affected the after-parties as well. Unless Katharine literally surfed to this event, there is no excuse for that hair.
top and skirt by Emilio Pucci
I wanted to like this, but these proportions make Sarah look like a hungry alien.
gown by Katharine Kidd, purse by Edie Parker
Oh, honey. No.
gown by Emanuel Ungaro, earrings by Lorraine Schwartz
Well, it’s not truly a party until Lea Michele reveals her sternum and a little crotch-adjacent thigh, right?
gown by Zuhair Murad
SERIOUSLY, WITH THAT NUDE UNDERWEAR? Get a lining that’s dark enough to conceal your lady-bits, or wear underwear the same color as the dress, or say fuck it and show the world your glorious vulva. But do NOT wear nude underwear under these circumstances.
top and skirt by Amanda Wakeley
The bad news is that Jennifer Lopez was attacked by a wild animal en route to this event. The good news is, she won herself a new pelt!